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Is my dad a horrible father?

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  • September 25, 2015 at 11:00 am #84092
    Anonymous
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    I’m am a 17 year old girl currently living with an abusive mom and non abusyve dad. I won’t go into to many details regarding the abuse, but it was verbal and physical and it made me deforested and suicidal for 5 straight years (it’s mostly just verbal now on a few occasions). I often begged God to kill me. My mom says that she never abused me, and when confronted by everyone, says how God loves her and he will bring her happiness. She even makes jokes about its saying how I deserved the beating, and laughs about it with her friends. She’ll probably never change, and I’m aware of that. Regarding my dad, we were always close. He would play with me all the time as a kid, and even take of work just to some degree time with me. When my mom would act abusive, he would stand up to her, only to get verbally abused as well. She tells him to die, calls him a nigger and a faggot, and follows him if he ignores her. He would sometimes not intervene, I assume since he’s scared. My mom treats him bad, as if he has to I’ve perfect. My dad has made mistakes, cheating and watching porn, but it was his escape from the horrible marriage. Sometimes, he would stick up for my mom. But I spoke to him at some point a while ago, and he says he stays in the marriage so he can be with me and my little brother. My mom is controlling, and has the “they are my kids you didn’t birth them” mentality. So divorce would not be an option. He also had a bad past. His parents and siblings thought he was weird for being introverted, so they made him feel like an outcast. His mom is rude and fake to him, and so they don’t talk. He also doesn’t speak to his dad, and his siblings put him down and exclude from activities. He was also married before he met my mom, but it ended quickly, he told me. He doesn’t have friends since he is quiet, and my mom has a problem with him having friends. We get along well still and have much in common, but people tell me that he is a bad father. I don’t want to believe this since, although he could have done more, he never abused me and is nice to my brother and I.

    September 25, 2015 at 11:57 am #84094
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pikachumew2:

    There is much value in that your father did not and does not abuse you and your brother, that he has often been kind to you and honest as well: much value in that and I like him for that, so I can understand you liking him for the same things. He does understand being rejected and abused in his own childhood and by his own wife, and he didn’t go on to take it out on you. He didn’t turn from abused to abusive and in so, he is a good role model for you and for your brother.

    it would have been better of course, if he was able to remove you and your brother from your mother- but that is legally impossible unless the mother is blatantly abusive, that is bone breaking or so. He would need physical documentations and hospital record and lots of legal maneuvering and money to do all that.

    Sure, it would have been best if he was careful to begin with about who he married.

    Could have/ would have- and there reality is what it is. As to your question, my answer is: no, your dad is not a horrible father. In the situation you are in, you and your brother being minor, without blatant horribly visible abuse by your mother, there really is nothing he can do.

    anita

    September 25, 2015 at 12:09 pm #84095
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you. I often think over this a lot, with most people saying how he is horrible. He is weak, which is a reason why he sometimes does nothing or stand by mom in some situations. But, if I were to really talk to him, he would understand my side if the story and apologize. However, I often don’t tell him how i feel. If I tell him, my mom will pester us until someone says everything, resulting in a horrifying situation. My dad is also sensetive. My brother and I are all he has. If we were gone or he had to live in his own, I believe he would either fall into a depression or commit suicide. It’s sad, since my dad always notices when I’m sad. Our conversations usually goes.
    Dad: “Jess, you look sad. Are you happy?”
    Me: “Yes dad, I’m happy.”
    Dad: “No your not. I can tell. I want you to be happy. Tell me.”
    Me: “Dad really, I’m happy.”
    Dad: “But Jessie, I hate seeing you sad. Your my little girl, and I want to see you happy. Tell me, is something bothering you? Did mom do something?”
    Me: “Dad really, I’m ok.”
    Dad: “Jessica, if something is bothering you, tell me.”
    Me: “We can chat later, Im just tired.”
    Dad: “Ok sweetie. Remember, always pray to God. I love you,
    Me: “I love you to dad.
    I wish I could really tell him about my mom, but she’ll hurt us badly.

    September 27, 2015 at 4:37 am #84207
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita, my new gmail is toussjess5457!

    September 27, 2015 at 8:26 am #84211
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pikachemew2:

    i sent you an email to the old address I had and then to this new one above, I hope you got them? If you got the gmail to the address above I will write future ones to the one above. Please write me back.
    anita

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