How to face fear of abandonment?

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This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 13, 2015 at 5:43 pm #83270
Annie
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Hello all,

I’ve lived a self-fulfilling prophecy by acting in controlling and jealous ways. I’m single now and gaining self-awareness, but I still find myself trying to cling on to the thoughts of a relationship. I am attracted to smart, intelligent, attractive men and other women are too. Of course, not everyone is going to be loyal, but we should start by trusting our partners. I lost trust in my family and friends because they kept breaking it. I don’t know how to trust. I challenge my thoughts on jealousy and am working on my self-esteem. I’m afraid when I am in another relationship, I will sabotage it again. Being jealous and controlling and crying are not good for a relationship and can make both people feel miserable. It’s very difficult to let go of bad habits especially when we become aware of them through pain. How can I face my fear that my partner will leave me or cheat on me with someone else?

I also attracted a partner who could not communicate his needs. I find myself attracted to nice, shy, and quiet guys, but they just end up being emotionally unavailable. I can’t seem to find a balance between being assertive and letting someone know that I am interested while not coming on too strong. I am currently afraid that I will become invested in someone and move too quickly, while they may only want a physical relationship.
- This topic was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Annie.
September 13, 2015 at 7:06 pm #83281

jock
Participant

Might it be a good time to have a break from relationships?
I know if I had the opportunity I might go on a meditation retreat for a few weeks.
Possibly you need to build up your self-esteem, through following your passions. I know mine is music as I try to improve my guitar skills. Also I do a public speaking course.
The thought of us being alone, without a partner can be scary I admit. But if we can learn to be happy alone, then we bring that happiness to a relationship. Expecting a partner to make you happy can create problems, in my view.

September 15, 2015 at 12:01 am #83366

Ponnara
Participant

Hi Jack.

I have a complicated relationship as well. My boyfriend asked me to have a break for our relationship, I don’t understand exactly what does it mean?

September 22, 2015 at 9:44 am #83844

Nadia
Participant

Hi guys!

I recently ended a relationship where the person wasn’t sure of what they wanted and was emotionally unavailable. Even though my intuition kept telling me he wasn’t right for me I kept trying to make it work, but it was like trying to make a square peg fit into a circle shape, useless. Finally, I decided I needed to honor those feelings and myself and confront him about it. I told him he knew who I was and continuing to date like this was not going to help him make up his mind. So I walked away.
I realized the fear of abandonment, of not finding someone better also kept me in this situation pass the expiration date.
So how do we deal with these feelings and trust that we are enough alone but also not to settle for “good enough”?

September 22, 2015 at 1:47 pm #83858

Anonymous
Guest

* nacm86: I don’t think we can be “enough alone”- we are just too social- it is in our genes, a result of millions years of evolution. No way, says I, can I ever be enough alone. It is my prediction that you too, fellow human, will continue to reach out to connect with another person for as long as you live, never enough being alone. I like having realistic expectations, makes life easier.About settling for “good enough”- when you do settle for good enough (good enough is all you can get, isn’t it? I mean ecstasy is not going to be ongoing)-

I suggest taking responsibility for your feelings, your cognition, your behaviors and not expect your partner to fix you, nor will you try to fix him, each taking responsibility for the thing between one own ears, then you can judge if the relationship is good enough.

anita

September 23, 2015 at 9:26 am #83921

Anonymous
Inactive

I’m single for the first time in my life and I find it freeing. Yes I miss the last chap and I happen to be going over to New Zealand to see him again and we’re both incredibly excited but there’s a good chance it will be closure and I’m going with my own needs in mind. I entered his bubble last time but now if he wants to see me he can come into my bubble. #

What is amazing about being single though is learning about what make you happy? You don’t realise until you’re ion that situation how long and how much of your life you’ve spent making someone else happy in the mistaken belief that that was what YOU wanted. Ha! NO!

Yes there are the things about having to smell someone else’s farts in bed. Revolting! suddenly never being allowed to cook carrots for dinner because he doesn’t like them. so what if you want to watch three hours of crap tv. and no football. never worrying if you’re being cheated on because there’s no one to cheat on you

so… what do I like? you think ? Do I like walking> we never did when he was around.. I don’t know, let’s put the wellies on and see,
Do I want to learn something? um.. I might just do a night class. I didn’t know I wanted that for myself.

I think… I wonder what it feels like to take a newspaper and sit quietly in a sunny pub garden and drink a slow pint? (A LOVE OF MINE) – he was always with me and chatted endless boringness – I wont miss that.

stuff and stuff and stuff

these teeny little scientific experiments of life will show you the way – it might just show you what you don’t like but even that’s big progress.
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