Dear melissa:

You wrote that your are close to your mother, that it is just you and her and that she is “so angry and vengeful.” Can you tell me more about this… the nature of your relationship with her: what is “close”- has it always been the way it is now- and what is the nature of her anger and her vengefulness: what does she say to you? What is she communicating to you?

anita

Dear Melissa

Two months is still a short time in the grand scheme of things. You were together for a long time, you invested in the relationship and you had plans for the future. You loved your boyfriend and when someone you love so much hurts you it’s natural to feel a lot of mixed emotions. You may feel betrayed, abandoned, and rejected. You still feel all these feelings of love towards them even though they hurt you and that creates a lot of conflict internally. These are feelings you need to acknowledge and accept. That they may well be there for a while and that’s ok but you’re only human.

I’m still fresh from my breakup, just over a month and I have been up and down like a yo yo however the greatest thing I’ve learn is that it’s actually forced me to look at myself and the things I can do to be happier in myself. I really like this great quote by Christine Caine ” Sometimes when you’re in a dark place and you think you’ve been buried you’ve actually been planted”. It’s incredibly difficult but now is the time to focus on you. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do but never managed to do because you were thinking about him? Are there things in your own life aside from this you’ve always wanted to change? Now is the time to look at them

These questions of reaching out and telling him, how do you think they would affect you? Are you trying to seek answer when you have them already for closure? Don’t spend time caring about someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same about you. If you don’t get the response you want you will only end up being more hurt.

About finding someone else. It’s easy for others to be judgemental. Do what you think feels natural to you but bear in mind if your heart is not fully healed it may be very difficult to accept someone else. It may not be fair to the other person if your ex is still on your mind so much.

I wish you all the best, I’m sorry you’re going this pain right now

Dear Melissa:

When you are able and willing to learn more about what happened, the truth of what happened, you can email or otherwise as your ex bf. Not that he will tell you the truth, not even his truth, but you can ask in the most un-threatening way, just so to get information and when he answers you, if he does, you can learn from his answer, not taking it on face value but examining it. Maybe asking questions based on his answer, to learn. If you communicate to him that you are only interested in understanding.

There is a line in that famous movie: “You can’t handle the truth.” Most people can’t handle some truth, often a lot of the truth. So it is up to you, to figure out if and when you are able to look objectively enough at what was and what is so to learn. Your mother will not be helpful in such learning because her rage and vengefulness is based on her projections, probably not accurate. I am assuming so because you and her clash so much, as you wrote, so I am imagining her feeling so protective of you does not mean she knows you very well. And I doubt she knows him or even you.

Once you feel confident enough in being able to “handle the truth”- you will seek it.
anita