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Feeling lost and hopeless after my girlfriend broke up with me!

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Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • July 29, 2015 at 9:27 am #80740
    CT
    Participant

    Just wanted to get things off my chest

    Feeling very lost and hopeless after my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. We met at gradschool and for the past 2 years we’ve both been focused on finishing our studies. She graduated this year and then broke up with me just over 2 weeks ago. She told me that we are incompatible after over 2 years together. She kept saying we were very different and she couldn’t see it working out in the long term. She wants to go out all the time and see her friends, which I didn’t mind or ever stopped her from doing, but she told me she doesn’t want to have to worry I’m not enjoying myself all the time.

    I feel like I have changed during the last year of our relationship. I have just finished being a medical intern this year and move on to residency soon. I feel as if she has been quite unfair to me as the last year has been so tough emotionally and physically I’ve just not been myself. I thought she would understand as she is also about to start her medical intern year but she says I’ve worn her down when I’ve been low. Keep thinking it’s my fault but when I look at all my other friends who are also medical interns they’ve all been exhausted and miserable too.

    I feel rather lost at the moment. I was saving up to buy an engagement ring and had plans for the future to move to another city with her, we talked about these things and now I don’t know want to do with myself. I have been numbing myself with doing extra moonlighting at work. It distracts me from thinking about things when I’m looking after patients but I really struggle being alone at the moment.

    July 29, 2015 at 11:36 am #80761
    Adam P
    Participant

    Hey there cst,
    First, don’t bring me down lol. I’m really excited to enter med school/ residency, just as soon as I handle my “obstacles and setbacks”. As well I want to say thank you to you because as a doctor you are teaching me something about the stress of residency and handling a relationship. How much is the copay? My insurance should cover the rest.
    Anyway regarding your situation, it’s good that you have stayed busy to keep your mind off of the relationship. From your post, it seems as if your girlfriend is quite a free spirited and independent woman who wants to better her education and mingle with her friends. Now as an intern, you do have a right to feel tired and exhausted, but it seems that whenever you were “low” around her, she was not comfortable herself. You stated that she has yet to start her internship. I’m sure when she goes through it, she’ll understand what you went through, but maybe she is the type of person that enters situations with a positive energetic attitude and can keep it going. I know I know how can a person maintain energy and excitement during the hard times of intern/residency.
    But if you’re feeling lost and hopeless regarding the situation with your girlfriend, just remember you would not say it to any of your patients, so why say it to yourself.
    Thank you and take care.

    July 29, 2015 at 8:12 pm #80795
    Jan DeAndrea Lemoine
    Participant

    Dear Adam,

    It hurts when you feel as though you are in things together, as a “we” rather than simply a “you.”

    It does sound like long term goals got lost in the sauce of the short term stressors. That said, although it is hard to hear or process right now, it is most likely the result of an inability to truly see each other in the process. She may have been lost in her head and in how things affected her (either because she is too immature to see beyond her own scope or because the connection became too strained), while you were lost in the immediacy of your process.

    I do know, firsthand, what a terrible feeling it is to be the one who goes through a rough place, only to see that the one you considered your partner can’t see the forest through the trees. Sadly, it is something you may never get back as, even if she does catch a glimpse of your reality when she goes through it, you will still be in different places. Also, it may provide a sneak peek into the way she handles change/challenges.

    Wishes for peace and clarity,

    jani

    July 30, 2015 at 2:25 pm #80885
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Cst,

    My heart really goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel. It is actually crazy how similar our situations are.

    I’m recovering from a breakup. It’s been 2 months so far. He had just graduated, He got a job and we broke up the next day because he “didn’t want to be in a rship anymore”.

    I too felt very lost and hopeless because it was so unexpected. 5 years of investment, gone. I truly thought he was my soulmate, we had planned our future for years. Felt like the proverbial love rug was pulled aggressively from under my feet.

    I can further relate because prior to the breakup, I was emotionally dependent on him too. I’m in my final year of law school and it’s been hectic for me. I needed him to be there for me. I expected that he would want to. I too didn’t anticipate that it was burdensome on him or “wore him down” to support me and be understanding. It shouldn’t be. You shouldn’t blame yourself for her inability to show up in that respect.
    She abandoned you at a time when you needed her. She didn’t show up. And she might have her own reasons for not having done that. Her not showing up doesn’t mean that she didn’t love you but maybe just that she wasn’t ready for the magnitude of your love. She wasn’t as ready as you are.

    My favourite poet explains what I’m trying to say to you in the best way by stating that the reality of love is that someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons, you must leave. Because you never have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. So don’t feel guilty.

    On the point of not dealing with the breakup,
    I always use an analogy when I explain to my friends what I’m going through by saying that I feel like my ex and I had agreed to jump off a plane together, sans protection. Just go for it. And we were both so committed to doing it, we held hands, counted to 3, took the leap of faith and it was amazing. and while we were still in the air, he let go of my hand and pulled out a parachute. Completely betraying me. There are no words for how badly it will hurt. It hurts. And I know it’s fresh for you, and I tried to avoid dealing with it as well, but you’re only prolonging the inevitable. I still cry IN my sleep over it. It feels like a nightmare. No one wants to go through it, but you have to. Face your feelings, whatever they may be. You will be better because of it.

    Love and light to you ❤️ I wish you the greatest peace in your heart. I hope this helps somewhat,

    Tay

    July 31, 2015 at 5:20 pm #80970
    CT
    Participant

    Thanks for your replies. Adam I wish you every success at med school. It is tough but my advice is to enjoy the process. You will never get that time back again when you can have fun with your friends without the responsibility of the job.

    I think you are right in saying that may be from her perspective she cannot see the clearly through the chaos of the last year. I have been going to counselling recently and I have now started to realise that there are many things that I cannot control or influence. Her decision is one of these things. I’ve actually been a few long term relationships on and off for the last 13 years. I know when something is worth holding on to and the bad relationships. I guess I’m so cut up because I feel that this one is worth fighting for. I’ve made mistakes in the past and given up perfectly good relationships because I felt there was more out there. She is inexperienced. Although she is late 20s I am the first serious relationship she’s ever had. I’m not sure she realises beyond the honeymoon period we have to keep working to keep the romance going. Marriages are built on hard work. But I cannot do the work alone or give her the insight to realise what the grass is like on the other side.

    Tay I fully understand the pain that you are going through. I understand the sense of betrayal. I keep asking myself how can someone who says they love me just abandon me like that. I’ve always supported her through med school. But then I realise now that this is so much more than that. I cannot be responsible for the way that others feel. Yes I’ve made mistakes but we all do in relationship. Maybe the right person is the one who will stay with me through the good times and the bad.

    Thank you all for your kind words. I know in my head that things should improve with time but right now I’m really struggling with my feelings. Waking up feeling like there should be someone lying next to me, missing my best friend, not having her to come home too after a hard days work, nights and weekends are the worse. I can’t seem to let go at the moment.

    August 1, 2015 at 10:48 am #81006
    Adam P
    Participant

    Hi there CT,

    Thank you very much for your wishes.
    Ah, yes the dreaded thought that all medical students have. (Yes, it has even crossed my mind.) I’m giving up spending time with friends/ social life to become a doctor and fulfill a dream. But remember, it’s not high school where friends live across town or another nearby town, people move on. Even if they live nearby, other things are placed higher on the list; career, marriage/kids, etc. Remember CT, just because it may look as if everyone else has their act together, they don’t. While you’re pushing through school and residency, other friends are getting married, buying homes, having children, etc. But what you don’t see is how they may not be happy in their marriages, stress from work impacts and disrupts family life. Divorce, job loss, debt and death affect us all. Yes, I know the 20’s and 30’s are the years to get a job and enjoy life. But why can’t it be the other way? Enjoying life in your 40s and 50s while others are picking up the pieces and are “starting over and feeling behind”. Get it?
    Anyway, regarding your girlfriend, it’s good to see you are talking about your problems. I like your description about lying in bed with nobody next to you. Remember, your career will never wake up one day and tell you that they don’t love you anymore.
    All the best
    Thank you and take care

    August 1, 2015 at 12:02 pm #81010
    CT
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply Adam

    I’ve had a weekend of reflection. Saw some good friends who had got married and have had kids whilst I went back to medschool. I’ve realised that they aren’t happy either. You are right, every one seems happy on the outside. Especially if you look at social media. No one posts that they are struggling with their mood or that they had a difficult day at work.

    I’m being to be more grateful for the things I do have. Yes I still experience up and downs but I feel as if I am privileged to be a doctor, to try my best to make a difference to people lives. I think things could always be worst. I could have found I’m going into a mundane desk job on Monday instead of going into the hospital.

    You’re right about the whole career thing. It will never “leave” me, it is one of the things I actually have control over. although I have had a rollcoaster of a few years at medschool I can say it was worth it. Sometimes it is difficult to see but I know in 5 years time I will be grateful I put the work in. Good luck with medschool, remember to enjoy the journey.

    August 2, 2015 at 5:53 am #81049
    Adam P
    Participant

    Hey CT,

    That’s great to hear. Regarding social media posts, I guess I am the outlier by that I have posted once or twice about my insecurities. I got no comments or likes, but I sure got people talking and made some waves.
    Thank you again for your wishes for me with med school. I do ask you to pray for me, etc right now because I’m comfortable spending 15 hrs in the hospital working going back and forth dealing with patients. It’s just now is the most difficult part. I know many doctors would laugh at this, but it’s only because I have been working on myself (asking for help, putting pride aside,etc.)
    Thank you and take care

    August 2, 2015 at 9:48 am #81059
    CT
    Participant

    Adam

    I think it takes an incredible amount of courage to admit your insecurities on any kind of social media. People only want to hear good things all the time. I wish you all the best for medschool. Remember don’t let anyone tell you that you that you can’t do anything. There will be times ahead where you worry about whether you have made the right decision, but stick it out, this is normal for the vast majority of medics. I will pray for you. I wish you every success and if you ever need any advice let me know.

    Take care

    August 14, 2015 at 12:04 pm #81838
    CT
    Participant

    Just wanted to share an update in my progress. I’ve been mainly focused on work over the last couple of weeks. Been socializing a lot with friends. They have been amazing and really looking after me. Most of the time when I’m occupied I don’t really think about the relationship I’ve lost but nights, mornings, and weekends are very difficult. Some days it’s as if I wake up and feel it’s just been a bad dream and that were still together. I’ve been feeling less hopeless about the future, although it has been very difficult getting used to being on my own again. Forward planning becomes really important so that time alone isn’t spent wallowing in days gone by.

    She text to ask me how I was doing a week or so ago and I didn’t really know how to respond. Felt like saying to her I’m really struggling and miss her immensely but didn’t want to seem weak and pathetic. I kept quiet and just asked her when she would be free to take her stuff back. She agreed a date and then cancelled on me saying she’s stressed at work (she’s just started her intern year) and that it would be too difficult and could I ask our mutual friends to drop stuff off. I felt like saying to her, I’ve been telling her for the past year the intern year is horrible and may be now she would understand why I’ve been the way I have. But again I kept my mouth shut, I prefer to take the high road.

    Friends helped to take things back today. Feel a great sadness in my heart, as if over 2 years of a relationship got packed away in 20 minutes. I would have liked proper closure, I wasn’t about to go over and beg, I’m better than that but would have like to have had the chance to say goodbye properly. Either way I guess sometimes we create our own closure.

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