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My ex was very insecure and jealous.

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • July 26, 2015 at 8:38 pm #80545
    Annie
    Participant

    Hello lifejourney,

    You seem like a very kind and caring person. It really seems like you’ve done the best you can to try to make her happy. The fact that you even asked what you could do to make her feel more secure and happy shows that you are mature and deeply care about her. It seems as if she hasn’t been able to separate her relationships from the past. The fact that she thinks you may cheat on her as well. She is only 23 and may not be ready for an adult relationship. Since you have been together for 2 years, she must have been 21 or 22 when you guys met.

    The relationships seems very co-dependent and it seems as if neither of you can properly move on from each other. You have reassured her on and on again and even let go of the fact that she has looked through your personal messages. To ask why your child’s mother is in a photo is absurd. You two obviously have a child together and she doesn’t seem to understand that connection. Because you have children with another woman, your partner will have to accept that she will be in your life to some degree. You said, “she is being tough outside and stubborn but i know she misses me.” She has clearly told you that she can not go back. However, I can see why you would be confused. One minute she wants to be with you and the next she wants to leave you. To block someone only to unblock them and block them again seems very immature. Your children may be confused and even harmed because of this relationship if they form some type of bond with her.

    She still has a lot of growing up to do. The longer you stay in her life, the more control she will have over you. She will continue to behave this way as long as you allow her to. For the sake of your children, leave this girl. I know it’s difficult to move on because you feel like you’ve invested a lot into your relationship. This relationship is not making you happy and she is confused or intentionally manipulating you to keep control. Stop responding to her and cut all ties. Do things that make you happy. I promise there are other people in the world who may be better suited for you.

    Annie

    July 27, 2015 at 11:42 am #80577
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lifejourney:

    You asked if you should try to go back with her.. you mean back and forth back and forth, on and off on and off? Do you want that?

    You told her that you want to help her, to fix her problems, to earn her trust. My feel is that as willing as you may be, you are not able to help her. You don’t have the resources to do so. Or the objectivity needed. The only way to help her and to make a relaibly ON relationship, a healthy relationship possible is to have good psychotherapy, for her separately and for you together as a couple. If you are able to encourage that or provide that and attend such- then it can work out, over time and with work.

    Frankly, you don’t have what it takes to fix it. Not without good professional help, and with that good professional help, invest the time and the great work required.

    anita

    July 27, 2015 at 6:51 pm #80602
    Brandon
    Participant

    Hi Annie and Anita,

    First off all, i want to thank you for all your amazing insights. It truly does put everything into perspective and I am on the same page as both of you. I truly want to help but as Anita mentioned, it may take professional help in order to fix this.
    I think that reading both your feedbacks, has cleared my mind and I am no longer blinded by just craving the familiarity and comfort that she provided in our relationship. So because of it, it made me want her back. Even during the relationship, I had wanted to leave because we would always argue and when we do, its always about her accusations of me. So i really got so mad and yelled at her and it takes me a lot to yell at someone since i am a very calm person. She apologized every time after the argument. It’s like she cant control her jealousy. Even when i pay for an item when buying something, she thinks im flirting with the cashier or thinks that the cashier is flirting with me, so she would go pay for me instead. She even thinks my friends girlfriends are after me or i want them. I can’t believe that, its my friends.
    I think i am doing the right thing and with both of your feedback and insights I feel a lot more at ease and a confirmation that I am on the right path to happiness.

    Thank you to you both. Its an amazing feeling to know that there are strangers who care!

    July 27, 2015 at 7:14 pm #80604
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lifejourney:

    You are welcome. Anytime. Add to this thread or start a new one and I will follow those. I like your insight about your attachment to the familiarity and comfort in that familiarity which drew you before. You describe some more behavior on her part that is pathological. It is unfortunate. But your job is to take care of yourself, to protect your calm, not to endanger it (again). And I am glad you are doing so.
    anita

    July 27, 2015 at 8:59 pm #80619
    Brandon
    Participant

    Thank you once again Anita. I appreciate all your input and dedication in helping others like myself. I am so much happier to finally start thinking about what “I” deserve. My calmness is one of my best qualities. To endanger it, is to endanger my well being. Thank you Anita for that point.

    I wish you both so much happiness.

    July 27, 2015 at 9:46 pm #80621
    Annie
    Participant

    Hello again lifejourney,

    I’m glad you have come to the realization that you have done as much as you can to support the relationship. Sometimes we feel like there’s one more thing we should try before moving on, but deep down we know that nothing will change and that we are just hanging on to hope. There’s a great article on tinybuddha about losing hope. Here is the article: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-losing-all-hope-can-be-freedom/

    Feel free to return if your “calmness” or “patience” is endangered again and you need outside support. Good luck.

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