Hello patientobserver,

It seems as if you have done a great deal of self-reflection. It’s great that you’ve found something you are passionate about (i.e. helping others). If you WANT to be single then that’s okay. There is something special about everyone, including you! I’m not convincing you to be in a relationship, just letting you know my perspective if you’re open to listening. What i’ve found is that physical appearences are completely subjective. While some consider one type of person attractive, another does not. Some people prefer brunettes over blondes, while others prefer red heads over brunettes. Of course, this is just an example, but i’m sure you are beautiful in your own way. Besides, once the attraction phase is over, what’s left is who the people are and what they have to offer other than looks. If you say you don’t find yourself attractive, then how will someone else? It’s difficult, but I think when we learn to love ourselves, then we learn to accept love from others as well rather than just giving. To need connection is part of being human, so it’s okay to get emotionally attached, but maybe try to keep some emotional boundaries and slow yourself down? I totally get confusing sexual attraction in place of intimacy. I don’t think I completely understand intimacy myself and I too thought I was being intimate when all I had was a physical relationship. Some degree of attraction is needed for any relationship, but maybe we should hold off on the physical until we can really get to know the person emotionally and see whether they are right for us?

I have had 3 disastrous relationships myself and have a dysfunctional family. However, i’ve learned that we don’t have to be whatever happened to us. We can learn to process those feelings and move on from them. The best way to understand and move on is to let yourself feel those emotions and then slowly let go of them. Seeking male validation and affection makes sense at least to me because we never got that from our loved ones, so we continuously try to find it even though it will never make up for what we never got in the first place. I’m 21, so I’m around the same age as you. After losing so many relationships and feeling so much heartache, I learned to slowly let go of things and love myself so that I can be happy. I hope what I said does not come off wrong in any way. I am just sharing some of my feelings on the pieces of writing that resonated with me. You’re still young and very smart and driven it seems, so don’t give up hope and just accept everything as it happens in the present. The 20s are for being single and finding yourself. 🙂

Dear patientobserver:

no, you did not at all come across as sad or bitter and yours is not at all a sob story. I like your spirit! As far as not being physically attractive: according to your description you are not the classic beauty, that is, what the media tells us in our current times about what is a beautiful woman. When I look in the mirror, way more often than not, I do not like what I see. In certain dim lights, certain angles, after a good night sleep, sometimes I like what I see (Wonder if sometimes you too like your reflection?) In any case, I accept it that most often i do not like my looks. Fortunately, as you look around, many less than beautiful women do carry on relationships, so the two are not mutually exclusive. On the other hand, my sister who is – classically- been a beauty on the level of movie stardom beauty (I am not exaggerating, she was even involved with an international movie star of the 1980s/ 1990s) – she hasn’t had a relationship for ages, and those she did have were quite dysfunctional. So, evidence, real life evidence indicates the two: physical attractiveness and romantic/ love relationships are not related.

Plus, your share, that you believe you are not physically attractive- in itself- attracts or has the potential- if read by enough men-0 to attract to you plenty of men who are turned off by women who think they are attractive… men who feel more comfortable with women who think they are not “all that…”

Regarding being single- we are social beings, genetically, biologically, seeking contact: this is why you had the 4 one night stands- seeking contact. I hope you don’t ignore this HUMAN need to seek contact, to connect and do so- seek contact and connect enough, to your satsifaction, in ways that make you feel good- win/ win situations, whatever they may be. But to connect, to be connected, to love and be loved in return, ah…. this will keep being in your genes, in your chemistry, in your blood for as long as you are alive.

anita