Dear micro14:

Your question is too easy to answer. The thing is, if you do the wrong thing and go on the vacation with him, for a short while he will be happy with you for choosing to take him and you will feel GOOD about it. If you do the right thing and cancel his ticket, he will continue to be upset with you and you will feel badly about it. The real question, as I see it, is are you willing to feel badly for doing the right thing for you?

anita

Hello micro14,

My sympathies to you and your bf. After reading your story, it’s good to see you and your boyfriend are going to therapy and right now that’s the best “vacation” for the two of you because you can already see the viscous cycle forming when it comes time for a new vacation and your boyfriend tells you he won’t behave like that anymore and surprise….the same drama and frustration on vacation. Don’t feel bad about going on vacation with one your friends instead of your bf and enjoy your trip to Europe. One suggestion to you would be to sit down with him before you leave for Europe and assure him that there will be other trips to Europe, Caribbean, etc. and that you are looking forward to sharing new memories with him. Ask him as well when you go on vacation if there’s is anything he would like over there. As well keep in contact with him and along with anything he mentioned as a gift, go the extra mile and bring back a surprise for him. That way he won’t feel abandoned by you and he’ll feel excited for your return. (Since you mentioned he was suicidal, you know him better than us so it’s difficult to give the best advice since he could act out even when you are on vacation).

All the best to you and have a safe and enjoyable vacation to Europe.
Take Care
Thank You

Dear micro14:

You wrote at the top that you like to PLAN trips. later you wrote to me that you agree with my input that the right decision for you involves you feeling badly (following his response to your right decision). I was just thinking that you may need to PLAN how you deal with these expected bad feelings so that you can adhere to the right decision for you. Planning is important, isn’t it? Can make a huge difference in the execution of a trip to Europe- or the execution of anything else.

If you let the turbalance in your brain hijack you, take you places you do not want to go to (giving in to his manipulations)- then how do you not go to those places, or move yourself away from those places?

How important it is, I am thinking as I type this, to travel RIGHT in our own brains… instead of changing your decision so to stop the bad feelings in you, maybe you can re-focus your brain on the correct thoughts (the thoughts that fit reality), re-focus as in meditation (on breath, on sounds, so you dis-engage your brain from the distressing activity)?

anita