Hi Art,

Thank you so so much for your reply! It’s good to know that there is someone out there experiencing something similar but making progress to improve themselves and their situation. I definitely feel like I’ve done the same as you in regards to working really hard and excelling at something you weren’t necessarily passionate about. It’s ironic that we can’t apply that same drive to things we know were passionate about! And I completely understand the whole not expressing yourself freely thing around certain people because I feel the same way about working in a corporate environment. I feel like I’m not being authentic and not being myself and it’s constricting and stressful to constantly have to monitor yourself so that you fit in.

“So I thought changing organizations would help and I did that, about 3 times. I realized that the structure of the 9-5 job was really getting to me. I have discipline, but I really wanted to daydream more. I wanted to create ideas. I didn’t know if that meant I was just being lazy or just..weak. I felt no one took me seriously, I felt guilty, like it meant that I was being selfish because 9-5 was hard for me. ”

This is exactly how I feel. I feel like I’ll wind up getting a new job and it may just be the 9-5 job that is the problem and if I don’t stick with the 9-5 that everyone will view me as lazy or incompetent.

From your reply I’ve gathered the following suggestions here are my comments on them:

Take time for yourself
• I agree this definitely a necessity and it has been my stress management method in the past. Last year I decided I was going to make better choices to be happier. I changed my eating habits, started running, doing yoga, doing the insanity work out program, reading about mindfulness, practicing affirmations, and trying new things that pushed me out of my comfort zone. It worked for about 10 to 11 months when I started to relapse into my current depression onset by my new work situation. I got the new job with the higher pay but a more stressful situation and less time to do those stress management/self-care activities I had when I worked closer to home. I went from 5 hours of time after work to max 2 hours 45 minutes. Instead of doing these self care/stress management things I find myself eating dinner, preparing for work tomorrow, and just mindlessly watching tv and surfing the internet.
• I do have the weekends which I do dedicate to socializing and again relaxing or doing chores around the house that I couldn’t get done during the week. I should dedicate some of this time to my personal growth and need to commit to doing so.

Rid yourself of the energy/motivation suckers in your life (haha)
• I have a close friend who recently went through a personal transformation that I used to reach out to for support or resources since she was always constantly working on herself. Last year during the time I was doing really well with myself and my growth I told her about my changes and she said “I’m glad you’ve made changes I honestly thought you’d never change” and it really bothered me at that time and still does to think that someone who is supposed to be your close friend would say something like that when I’ve been trying my best the whole time despite my depression to change. More recently she was talking to my best friend and hinting at that she’s giving me resources/tools to make changes and I haven’t taken advantage of them and basically don’t seem as though I’m trying to make changes. I haven’t spoken to her at all since then and I’m not sure if I even want to.

Surround yourself with positive people or read about them
• I originally thought the friend above was one of those people but not so sure at this point. Will definitely attempt to do this. I try to listen to positive pod casts or read articles online or self help books.

Journal
• Journaling honestly scares me. Growing up I filled tons of notebooks with nothing but negativity berating myself for all the things I did wrong and how I’m a terrible person. I think it may help me to get to know the real me but I’m afraid of journaling turning into either a pity party or a personal crucifixion. Any tips on journaling so I don’t have an epic self roast session haha.

Work towards your passions
• I definitely will it wont hurt to do something I enjoy everyday that I’m not so good at. When I think about jobs I had I didn’t start out as a master I had to work at it everyday so it’s pretty obvious that if I actually work towards my passions I’ll get better.(Just need to convince myself of this lol)

Make short term and long-term goals
• Goals in general is something I’ve always struggled with. In grad school I started with the goal of doing well but half way through I noticed I was doing well so I aimed for a 4.0 for my first semester and did it. Other than that I don’t ever recall a time where I set a goal in my personal life or professional life and achieved it or even actively worked towards it. I think it’s the issue of motivation again. I will try the small goals and if I do enough of the small ones I’ll eventually meet the big goal.

Lastly, I love this last bit of wisdom you shared:
“If you end up making a career switch, remember that all your experience – the high, the lows, the depressing – is just more material for creating things that people can relate to. Your old jobs were not done in vain. Think you don’t have skills or training? Well, you have life experience.”

I constantly agonize and regret decisions I’ve made in the past but this makes me realize that everything wasn’t in vain and that these experiences can definitely benefit me in some way.

I will definitely keep you updated on my progress because there will be tons of it because there is much work to be done!

Thank you!!!!

-Gen

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your reply. I’ve always felt the same way about connecting with people. When I was in a serious relationship almost 5 years ago with someone I dated for almost 4 years my depression that had been there since I was a kid was ALMOST non-existent. I could be 100% myself with this person and felt completely fulfilled but at the same time looking back I’ve gained alot more insight into who I am as a person after leaving the comfort of that relationship. I don’t know if I would have ever changed anything about myself because that person accepted me flaws and all.I have not had a connection like this since but I do definitely agree that establishing genuine connections and receiving support from people/person will be helpful. Also I do want to try solo traveling but I’m definitely looking forward to being out of my comfort zone and meeting people while traveling. I think being out of my comfort zone will allow me to learn more about myself (at least I hope so!)

Thanks!

-Gen

Hi Anita,

What’s funny is I actually came back to this thread a few days ago with the intent to give an update lol but you beat me to the follow up. I wanted to spend time to give a thoughtful response so that I could help out others who are in similar circumstances but somehow got busy haha. I’ll be writing a post sometime this weekend to give an update. Did want to thank you for caring about how things turned out with me. It shows you are a truly caring person! The Tinybuddha community is lucky to have such a compassionate person. And thanks so much for the compliment! Did take it down as I didn’t realize it was updated haha. Would like to remain somewhat anonymous so I can continue to give details. Thanks again!

-Gen

Hi Anita,

As promised here’s my update!

After writing the above post I started trying to work some of the tips you and Art mentioned into my daily life. I’ve bolded both of your helpful pieces of advice in the below paragraphs. It’s long like my other posts though =)

I decided to first learn about myself by getting out into the world. I decided to travel to Japan alone. It’d been a dream of mine for years. Against my family’s protests I decided to take the plunge into solo travel. I got out of my comfort zone and learned a lot about myself in the process. I did things I thought I’d never be capable of doing. I climbed a small mountain, spoke and understood Japanese, found my way around a foreign country, and loved a vacation I took by myself! This trip gave me the confidence boost I needed. I realized that I was capable of so much more than I thought I was. It was also nice to get out of the daily grind and have time to think. I didn’t want to go home! Once I did get home I realized, for sure, that the 9-5 model wasn’t for me. I felt completely myself in Japan, a country where no one looked like me and didn’t even speak my native language, but felt alienated at home working in a corporate culture. I knew that staying in such a toxic place was not good for my mental health and that life was too short to spend another minute doing something I hated. I decided to go with my intuition and quit my job in December. Taking time for myself was what I needed to clarify what I actually wanted in life. Immediately after quitting I was in a state of euphoria. A few days after I still felt great but I still had no idea what I was doing.

I figured I’d work towards my passions. I entered my first writing contest that same month. I didn’t win but it felt good to write again and to know that I was capable of even competing in a contest. I learned a lot from that first contest and I’m glad I had the courage to enter. If you remember from my original post I was a perfectionist and afraid of failure so this was big for me! That same week I started a blog to practice writing and to document my journey. I write blog posts every week and it helps me learn more about myself everyday. I did feel as though I needed to add some structure to this journey so I decided to set some short and long-term goals. In the beginning of the year, I posted 27 goals, one for each year of my life. Each month, I post an update on my progress in a blog post. Many of the goals are centered on my passions and posting them on my blog keeps me accountable. I’m doing a lot better than I expected. Seeing that I’m making progress gives me the confidence to continue work towards my goals. Considering previously I’d often quit things if I wasn’t immediately good at something or I was afraid of failing this was a big deal. My passion related goals are mainly about writing, photography, and traveling (Drawing is still on that list but I’ve discovered that it’s something I’m less interested in pursuing). I’m currently taking a writing class (My work is critiqued each week something I previously feared and avoided but now welcome), I write on my blog every week, and read books and articles online on how to improve my writing. I took a trip to Paris and London in January and headed to Morocco next month. I bought a DSLR camera, signed up for a contributor account on a stock photo site, printed my travel photos on canvas, reading books about photography, and I’m taking a monthly photography class. I also took up journaling to record my journey and document my feelings towards specific activities. It’s been helping me figure out what I enjoy the most and what I don’t particularly enjoy.

I did have to rid myself of an energy/motivation sucker. After a terrible experience with my best friend during my Paris/London trip I decided I no longer wanted to be part of her life. We returned back to the states and haven’t spoken to each other at all. It’d been a long time coming but I was trying to improve our friendship. I realized our hobbies and goals in life were incompatible. She was most focused on drinking, partying, and dating. I on the other hand was focused on improving myself so I felt I had outgrown the activities she enjoyed most. She berated me for not enjoying those activities anymore and made me feel bad about myself. I decided it was best for me and her to go our separate ways. She was one of the few people I had a connection with but it had become toxic for me to continue being friends with her.

I am still trying to find my “tribe” or anyone that I can truly feel connected with but have not found this as of yet. I feel, as though I might have this invisible wall up that doesn’t allow myself to form deep meaningful connections with other people. I find that I’m able to speak to strangers with ease and make friends easily but making a deeper connection with anyone other than my family has been a challenge. I have, however, been reading about positive people and others who have successfully found work they’re passionate about after floundering a bit. It’s inspirational and it gives me hope that I will definitely get there one day.

It’s been about 4 months since I quit my job. I’m currently getting my certificate to teach english abroad and trying to learn as much as I can about photography, writing, and about myself. I’m still anxious about my future and I do have days that I’m depressed. I struggle between self-confidence and self-doubt daily. I still wonder how I’ll support myself or get out of debt. And I’m still uncomfortable with uncertainty. But I do feel much better overall knowing I’m taking action towards building a life I love. It won’t be an easy road but I know it’ll be worth it in the long run.

Here are a few pieces of advice I offer others that are going through a similar circumstance:

1. Take constant action towards your goals. Eventually you will get where you want to be.
2. Learning is important. Learning a new skill or learning about yourself is extremely valuable.
3. Self-acceptance, self-confidence, and self-care is essential. This is your life. No one else has to live with the consequences of your decisions but you. If you realize that something that works for 99% of people doesn’t work for you; you need to accept that it does not have to work for you to be happy. Your definition of success may look totally different from your best friend and that’s fine! Believe that your version of success is 100% okay. And just ensure that you’re being patient with yourself. Change does not happen overnight. If you need a break take it.

Thank you again for listening! And if anyone else has any thoughts or advice please let me know.

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for your kind words! I have a really good relationship with all of my family members. I would say my sister is my best friend (only have one sibling). My parents are supportive and there whenever I need anything. They can be critical at times but I couldn’t ask for better parents. My parents do tend to ignore my depressive tendencies. I feel like the signs have always been there but they ignore it. I’ve shared with them about going to see a therapist but their advice was always make sure you don’t go on any medication. If I was in a mood it was implied that I wasn’t trying hard enough to be happy. I think it’s just that they don’t understand and don’t truly attempt to understand what I’m going through like many people who’ve never experienced a mental illness. My sister understands my struggle, not fully, but she tries and she always listens. We are the type of family that goes out of the way for each other though and I’m grateful to have them in my life. I know with 100 percent certainty they all love me unconditionally.

I find it difficult to articulate exactly what my issue is in forming meaningful relationships outside my family. A few years ago in graduate school I was really close with a friend who actually lived with my family and I for a few months. During that time I considered her as my sister. We spent a lot of time together and she just got me. She wound up moving in with her boyfriend to another state and settled into old patterns. She tended to throw herself completely into a relationship neglecting to communicate with other people on a regular basis or even attempt to spend time with other people. I’d text her and not receive a response for days or weeks or sometimes not at all. If and when she’d finally respond there’d be no apology. Sporadically she would reach out (once every few months randomly) to see how I was doing. She usually did this by phone and her boyfriend who I was good friends with would be in the room during our conversations which made me sorta uncomfortable since it was the first time I’d be talking to her for months. I also visited her last year and it was kinda awkward she seemed to want to do whatever her bf wanted to do and if he didn’t want to do it we wouldn’t wind up doing anything. Recently met up with them again when they visited New York City and there was no really give and take in conversation. They didn’t ask how my trip was or what I’m up to since I quit my job. I kinda just shared the information and they didn’t ask many questions about my experiences. I also shared about my upcoming trips and there were no questions. We kinda just spoke about what they were up to. I feel like I’m rambling haha but long story short I’ve stopped trying to maintain this friendship because I don’t feel like she cares and I don’t feel the closeness we once had where I could tell her anything.And also instances when I felt she withheld upsetting things that happened in her life when I’d ask her how she was doing she would reply good and how everything was great. But I would find out months later, when the event had already happened and she was in a better place, that she was going through something. It made me feel as though she was being inauthentic or dishonest. I would share my true feelings with her when she would ask how things were going. If things were awesome I’d tell her. If they were depressing or something sad happened to me I’d share. I spoke to my sister about this and she says that sometimes when you’re sad you don’t even want to think about those events and definitely don’t want to share them with others. I took it as you don’t trust me enough to share. Maybe I’m just taking this personally?

I feel as though I can form connections but it doesn’t go further then talking about the things we have in common and we grab dinner or hang somewhere but i don’t find it’s getting to the point where I can really share my struggles with someone or feel like someone genuinely gets me. I believe this has to do with distance though. I live about 1.5 hours from any of my friends. It’s actually not that far but it requires for me and the other person to make special plans to meet. But regardless no one really keeps in touch with me anymore. I feel like I do reach out to people but not as much anymore because I don’t want to really share that I still haven’t found a secure means of making money or even a set plan for what’s to come. All of my friends are established in their careers so it might be that I’m afraid of their judgement. I guess I don’t trust them enough to not judge me.

I do also have less tolerance for perceived transgressions in friendships. I find I can cut people off easily and not feel particularly bad about it. Case and point my (ex)best friend. I wonder if other people would have continued a friendship with someone they felt they had nothing in common with just for the sake of being friends with them for 10 plus years. That wasn’t the only issue but I felt I couldn’t be myself without repercussions.

I think another issue is my comfort with being alone but not lonely.I spend a healthy amount of time alone and it doesn’t make me sad. In the past, 4 years ago, I would be sad if I had to spend a Friday or Saturday alone. Now it doesn’t bother me at all (I think this might just be because I’m getting older). But just because I’m comfortable doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy others company when I do spend time with them. I just feel as though having connections is not necessary for me to be happy. While I don’t feel particularly sad about this I do feel concerned as I feel it’s normal for people to have at least a few close friendships or relationships.

Not sure exactly how this all connects but I do believe there’s a connection to the breakup I went through 5 years ago. There’s fear there and it has affected my desire to seek a romantic relationship. I have tried over the years but no one I pursued was interested in a romantic relationship.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this! Thanks!

Gen

Hi Anita,

You know I didn’t realize that they weren’t accepting of those emotions. But it makes sense that that is what is going on here. I find that I try to ensure I don’t upset my parents because their approval is so important to me. Even today I had a conversation with my Dad about figuring out how to monetize one of my passions. I explained that money is not my sole motivator and it’s not that important to me. And that living comfortably with less material stuff would make me most happy. He argued this was wrong to think this way because then I’ll never make any money. Money he says is freedom. And work doesn’t need to make you happy. You can make money and then be happy doing something on the side. I told him I’m entitled to say whatever I want if that’s what I feel. If I don’t need to have millions of dollars to be happy that’s how I feel. He said well who wouldn’t want a million dollars you cant say you don’t want millions of dollars. I cant remember how I ended the conversation but I felt pretty bad about myself. But then I decided that some of his points like thinking about the amount of money needed to live your life were valid. I know he means well. He wants the best for me. But I guess this is another case of dismissal of my feelings.

I do feel lately I’m a bit detached from feelings. I don’t feel any intense emotions recently. It’s sort of a numb feeling. So I think you are again correct with your assessment.