I made it 8 months sober and clean, that’s pretty amazing considering where I was and how i felt 8 months ago. I lived with my stepfather in another province for 19 years. During that time, it was not so great. If you ever heard of narcissistic parents and parental alienation… that is what I lived with for all those years. I was truly beaten down emotionally, made to believe I was set out to be fuck all and felt very unconfident and my self-esteem suffered immensely. My stepdad, ( i really just call him dad, since my real father is not in my life) has raised me since birth. When my mother left him, he began to bicker about her being a whore and bitch and an alcoholic and just really made her out to be this awful person. The terrible thing is that my two sisters and I believed it. We were programmed to eat all that shit and not to think any different. My stepdad walked around as if he never did a damn thing wrong, and that he was holier than God himself.

My mother decided to move to another province when I was 14. She asked me if I wanted to go with her and I told her no, I couldn’t leave. I have my sisters and it would be too hard. A few months went by and she never left, and during that summer my stepdad wanted to make a trip to the Yukon to see my Aunt and Uncle. So we left… when we came back it was my mothers turn to have me, but to my surprise, when I went to her place.. everything was gone. It tore me apart, I didn’t think she would actually leave, but she needed to get away from him. He was ruining her life with constantly taking her to court and making her own children hate her.

A year later, at 15, my stepdad moved him and myself 8 hours down south. Bigger city, new people, new start so he said. When I got there I immeditately met the drinkers and the weed smokers. I fit right in. I couldn’t wait to hangout with them and get out of my house. My first year there I met a guy who used cocaine. Soon enough, I was using it too. Every weekend, sometimes throughout the week. I began to flunk my courses in school, and just gave up. I dropped out, we broke up, and I found myself in another relationship. More cocaine, introduced to Mdma, more alcohol, soon became a regular go with these drugs and substances. It began to feel normal. At 18, I had cheated on the guy that I was with. It was a hard time in my life, and I broke down to my family and stepdad telling them I have issues. I use drugs and I drink too much. My stepdad asked “You need rehab?” I said “well, no?” and nothing was changed. I was scared. A month went by, my ex began to screw an old friend of mine and I found myself in a whole new relationship. With someone who’s whole family drank and used. It was the perfect setting for the way I felt, and who I was. Months went by and I got worse, I felt worse, I looked worse, and I wasn’t doing any good for myself. I would stay away from home for weeks, with no calls from my “dad” and I thought I was okay to be there.

One weekend, my boyfriend and I decided to use mdma. It was so strong that I thought I was overdosing. Luckily, we both woke up the next day. I didn’t get out of bed until 4pm, I had a new text on my phone. It was from my mothers husband. “I’m in the city, call if you want to meet for coffee.” I felt like hell, but I got showered, put on clothes and gave him a ring. He was at my boyfriends place in 20 minutes. We went out for coffee and talked, and he asked what I was up to nowadays and I told him everything. I told him what I was doing (nothing…. just using drugs and being a waste of life). and to that he said “Why don’t you leave here with me for a week, come have dinner with your mother and little brother, and if you want to come back, I will pay to fly you back.” after four hours of excuses, I decided I needed to leave. I kissed my boyfriend goodbye and didn’t say a word to anyone else. And we drove, 24 long hours to my mothers house. I was welcomed with a big hug, and a “holy shit, you look like hell” Mind you, I am relatively tall, 5’7 and was weighing close to 105/110 pounds. I was not healthy at all. Now I weigh 130, the color is back in my skin and my eyes are bright again. My boyfriend I broke up after I realized I needed to stay to get better.

After that long journey, my mind is still screwed up. I don’t necessarily think it’s because of the drugs, but the issues that are rooted in the back of my mind. my dad flocks to everyone nowadays saying how proud he is of me, but curses the fact that I did it with my mothers help. and asks me why I couldnt just get clean out there. He isn’t proud of me…. in reality, I know he doesn’t care. He won’t even send me my things. I’ve been working for 6 months now, saving money, thinking of college options and building a solid foundation but yet his little voice in the back of my head always puts me in terrible, miserable moods. I begin to feel like this journey is not worth it.

How the hell do I shut him out and move on with my life?
Is it okay to cut him off forever?
How do I keep people from getting into my mind?
And how do I keep my emotions in control?

I’m terribly sorry for the long story but trust me it feels amazing to get this all out.