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How to cope with feeling hurt?

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  • June 22, 2015 at 7:45 am #78621
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear J:
    It is my understanding that having contact with your family of origin caused and causes you much distress and sickness, and that having no contact with most has lead you to be happier and healthier state of mind and body. That’s a no brainer, as well as staying away from your brother who threatened you with phyhsical harm, inflicted physical harm on your husband and on your children who witnessed the violence. No brainer there too.

    Regarding your mother, you stated: “I have struggled to have a relationship with my mum since, it’s been very hot and cold from her.” You are describing a manipulative woman who threatens you with rejection if you do not do what she says. She treatens you with no contact with her if you don’t do as she says, which is to harm yourself and your family of choice.

    I would say- take her on her offer and make sure the no contact stays in place so you don’t have to go through her “hot and cold” treatment again and concentrate on your family of choice.

    Regarding the hurt you feel by your mother’s threat of no contact and the fact that you feel it is unfair she stays in contact with your other siblings, examine, if you will, the hurt and fear feelings you are having about it. It is so very natural for a child to cling to his/ her mother. Animals do it. Humans do. It is encoded in our genes through so many years of evolution. Separation from one’s mother naturally causes fear. The hurt is there because you figure her cutting contact means something that is does not.

    Even though you are 35 and a mother yourself, part of you is still that small child looking up to her mother for protection, for love. Without her love you feel alone, unprotected, afraid.

    If you agree, talk to yourself again and again, telling yourself that you are SAFE, that contact with her does not mean safety (the opposite in reality!) Calm down your “inner child” – the child part of you. Ask your husband who supports you for a hug, get your need for safety met with him.

    As far as being hurt, it is hurtful to be rejected by someone you esteem. When you value her enough to be hurt by her cutting contact with her, ask, if you will, WHO it is that you value? Who is that woman you value so much, really?
    anita

    June 22, 2015 at 12:13 pm #78648
    pink24
    Participant

    Hey Libby,

    Ughhh, what a nightmare. Sometimes family can be the worst–nobody ever says that, but it’s true. I’ve been through a very similar situation where I had to cut out toxic family members, it’s not easy. But here’s the thing: I’m not sure you ever really get over times of hurt. But they do become less and less as time goes on. I’m sure your mother’s words triggered the past, and all of that past hurt. Remember tho, those are her words, not yours. And she has her own issues to even think dropping you from her life is ok. (Also, that’s what abusive people do–when all else fails, they threaten. Don’t take it too much too heart, as hard as it is. It’s a tactic, not a promise)

    I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Accept that hurt will arise from time to time, and know the triggers. Nurture yourself. Feed your soul. Be grateful that you knew enough to take the necessary steps to ensure your happiness and that of your family. That’s no easy feat. If I were you, I would keep telling myself this over and over again.

    This too shall pass.

    Take care,
    Pink

    June 22, 2015 at 1:09 pm #78673
    Matt
    Participant

    J,

    In addition to the other kindly aimed words, consider that you’re making their actions all about you. As you’ve been away from their toxic qualities, consider how happiness has opened up, and a feeling of freedom has been felt. Without that freedom, such as when agoraphobic and anxious, your actions become much more lashy and in survival mode. Right?

    So consider how brother and sister and mother all act out in various unskilled ways. These have little to nothing to do with you, and stem from their anxieties and agorophobic tendencies (or whatever form their suffering takes on.) Its not about you. It’s just them, doing what they do, trying to make everything the way they want it to be. You don’t owe them anything, such as going to the wedding, or letting the brother punch you. Your side is continuing to take the good actions in protecting your tenderness from their abusive qualities.

    Said differently, perhaps issue one: your birth family are telling you things about yourself that aren’t true, and you’re grabbing onto their words and stabbing yourself with them. Perhaps issue two: your mother and brother and sister are stressed and self absorbed, and you don’t want them to be, so you grab onto their actions that don’t coincide with how you want them to be, and in your brain, stab at them.

    The mantra or prayer that could help break apart this habit of yours is “Whatever the causes or conditions for your various behaviors, I choose to set down, abandon, forgive and move on.”

    Finally, consider that cutting contact with toxic people is not selfish, it follows the saying “do no harm”. Consider for instance, when your brother hit your husband, your brother’s fist and mind were also harmed. Not just you, husband, and kids. By putting distance, you prevent him from harming himself, too. Same with sis. Her bitter words hurt her. Same with mom.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    June 23, 2015 at 3:05 am #78700
    Libby
    Participant

    Anita

    Thank you so much for your reply, it was just perfect and made me realise everything I have done has been the right thing to do.

    I cut my brother out of my life almost 3 years ago now, I won’t allow him back into my life. I have to do what’s right for me and my children. My family comes first. When I was unwell my children had to witness their mum unable to go out of the home, we couldn’t go on holidays, days out… and I beat myself up for that. Thankfully my children are the most beautiful and understanding children I know. When I started going out again they high fived me, they spurred me on to keep going and overcoming my anxiety. My husband and my children were my rocks and I won’t allow anyone to destroy me again so that I go back to being that unwell.

    My sister, I cut her out last summer as I gave her chance after chance to stop being abusive to me, she can’t change, it’s who she is. Everyone around me says she has always been toxic and it’s in my interests to stay well away. Even my GP has said my family are toxic and I am a new person since walking away from them. I had crippling anxiety most of my life to be honest, but in the last couple of years after my brother and sisters physical and mental abuse that was when it got severe. Now I am like a new person, it’s amazing. I feel free, I don’t feel I am waiting for something bad to happen, I don’t live on the edge of my seat afraid.

    With my mum yes I have tried to let her back in, and she had been much better with me but this time she has cut me out, she won’t even call to speak to her grandchildren. I agree with what you have said, she is trying to manipulate me. She thinks by staying away from me, cutting me out for no real reason, I will come running and give in to her demands to speak to my siblings again and attend my sisters wedding. She has a total disregard for my feelings and what I went through.

    My mum has caused me so much pain in my life and I have always forgiven her because yes, she is my mum. One thing I have realised these last few years is you don’t have to keep forgiving and putting up with people hurting you just because of DNA binding you together. My family made me believe you have to, but what you allow will continue and I have taken a stand and I won’t allow it any longer.

    One thing you said that struck a cord in me is that really what am I missing? yes she is my mum, but in the last 3 years where has she been? she hasn’t supported me, she hasn’t behaved as though she loves me, she only visits to see the children and I feel unloved. So why am I this upset about her cutting contact with me? It’s just because she is my mum and my childrens grandmother and I feel sad for them. It is them I am upset for because I had the most wonderful grandmother (my mums mum) and she passed away 3 years ago just before I cut my family out. She was the most amazing person, she was like my mum and I am still not accepting she has gone very well. It’s her birthday tomorrow and I wish she was here so I could spend some time with her. I don’t feel like that about my own mum, if anything I resent my mum for the way she has treated me. I don’t need those negative feelings in my life. My mum stopped calling her own mum, she never visit her and my Nan would call me crying that her own daughter made no effort. My mum is a very ‘chase me’ type person, if you don’t go to her she sulks. She is a difficult person. My mum hurt me alot in the past and I forgave her, so it does hurt she is cutting me out after me giving her another chance at our relationship. She offers me nothing but hurt, resentment, fear…. so why am I upset. If I carry on allowing this it will continue so I am not going to call her, I won’t chase her, she is trying to manipulate me again and I won’t have it. I deserve to be happy and I know i will without my mum around, if cutting our my siblings improved my life dramatically then maybe it’s just my mum left dragging me down.

    My mum sees no wrong in being with my manipulative sister, my sister controls my mums every waking hour. My auntie said to me, as long as your sister is around you won’t have your mum in your life, she controls her to much and your mum likes it. My mum brings my sisters children up like her own and my mum loves to feel needed. All I have ever wanted from my mum is her time, not to babysit, or clean my home, or help me bring my children up….. just her time. Obviously that isn’t enough.

    Thank you for your reply, it’s really helped me.

    Thank you

    J Libby

    June 23, 2015 at 3:08 am #78701
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you Matt

    Wise words, thank you.

    Yes my family all have deep issues. By cutting them out I am stopping them harming me, my family and causing further resentment.

    What you allow will continue, as they say.

    I don’t feel sorry for any of them, they have brought all of this on themselves but I do understand that they all have issues, my brother has serious mental health problems and he acts this way because of this and I hope by me walking away from him he learnt a valuable lesson.

    Thank you.

    J Lib

    June 23, 2015 at 3:11 am #78703
    Libby
    Participant

    Pink

    Thank you for your lovely words.

    I totally agree, mum tried shouting at me, demanding, telling me lies that my sister was sorry when infact she wasn’t…. so her last tactic is to cut me out hoping I will come running. It won’t work with me now and I feel very sad that my mum feels she has to do this but it also says alot about how much I mean to her.

    At the end of the day they will regret doing this, as they will have missed my children growing up, they will have missed seeing me and my husband, we were the heart of the family. We held all the parties, BBQs, Christmas…. Now we centre our life around us, and our beautiful family. My circle may have got smaller, I may haves less people in my life but for sure it’s quality over quantity.

    Thank you.

    J Lib

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