This is going to be a long post. I dont even know where to begin. I am convinced that I have split personalities or something. Bi-polar runs in my family. I have frequent nightmares. I occassionaly dream of events before they happen and it has left me severely paranoid at times because I will have a nightmare that feels really real to me, then wake up unable to shake off what had happened, very scared that it will happen. I have self esteem issues as well. I am emotionally abusive to my boyfriend whom we just had a baby 8 months ago.
He is a very good father and he takes care of the baby and I very well, but sometimes I lash out at him, using profanity, yelling, accusing him of not being who he really is, etc. Then not even seconds later its like I turn into another person.
I turn into a person who is grateful, loyal, trustworthy, happy. I’m able to clean the house, do all the dishes and laundry, be a great mom, even work on art or music.
I dont know who the other person is or why she’s there. I hate her and I want her gone, but she’s me, just like the good one, they’re both me. I can’t get rid of her.
Even when I feel like absolute sleep deprived crap, I am always good to the baby, very patient with him. As with my older son from a past relationship (he is 12). I never have hit or yelled at him (only yelling is the kind like “Hey, dont jump off the stairs or you will break your neck!”).
Why can’t I be like this with my new baby’s father? Why do I hate him sometimes and be so mean to him?
It makes me want to kill myself. I won’t do it but I want to, then I feel awful guilt for even thinking “It’d be nice to blow my brains out & never have to feel pain again.”
I’d leave 2 beautiful boys behind without a mom if I did. Anyone who cares and loves me would be sad. But it all goes away..all that love, the light, goes completely black when I switch to the other girl.
I don’t have I’m scared to try meds again because I actually did try to kill myself a couple times as a teenager while on them. I had herbal supplements for a while that helped some but they are over $20/bottle for less than 3 weeks supply and I dont have the money for that right now. I have Medicaid insurance and I’m certain there are no Medicaid holistic doctors here, just ones who perscribe the drugs that make me worse. I found 5htp for only $8/bottle at walmart but it makes me so tired, even if I only take half a dose at night before bed, I can barely function the next day.
I want to change but I’m too overwhelmed. I’m tied up in housework chores, trying to make money, taking care of a baby. I dont know if I will ever be normal.