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Cross the world for love…or stay home for stability

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  • #76309
    Ariane Michaud
    Participant

    Hi everyone 🙂

    I am having a hard time making a big life decision and could use some feedback!

    I’ll start with a bit of my romantic background so that you can get a feel for who I am.
    My parents divorced when I was 18; in the aftermath of the divorce, I suffered from major fear of abandonment.
    Due to this- I became quite codependent and needy- selecting unavailable, drug/booze addicted men and trying to “change them”.
    My self-esteem was pretty low due to years of this exhausting pattern. I suffered through some pretty intense bouts of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of these men.

    Despite this history, I managed to really work on myself- reading self-help books like it was going out of style, really focusing on bettering myself and seeing the lessons in all that I had experienced.
    I would like to think that I am at least 75% improved at this point hahaha

    Last summer, I was dating someone who wasn’t mean or abusive, but he also wasn’t “dream man”. His lack of ambition discouraged me.
    I felt unfulfilled and stuck.
    Completely unexpectedly, at a family wedding overseas, I met a man that I immediately felt drawn to.
    It was as if the Universe just plopped him in front of me and said “here he is.”
    We spent 3 days together- including one of the most magical nights of my life.
    We just lay under the stars and talked all night, drinking champagne from the bottle and hiding from the “adults”.
    He really made me forget that I was lost.
    When I came back from the trip- I immediately fessed up to my boyfriend at the time.
    He wanted to try to work on our relationship- but at this point I was way too far gone in my romantic fantasies of “foreign dream man”.
    FDM and I continued to talk on a daily basis until we decided we had to see each other again.
    I packed up and went to visit him 5 months later for a mere 8 days.
    It was BLISS.
    We got along perfectly- our personalities just clicked and it was really a dream come true.
    6 weeks later he surprised me by coming to see me for a quick 5 nights.
    Once again, we were totally lost in love and enjoyed every single second together.

    2 months has passed and he is coming back for 3 weeks this month.
    I’m sooo excited- but I am also starting to panic because I know this is when we are going to have to decide what the future holds for us.

    So- essentially I have two options:

    1. Move there- follow my heart- and trade in my comfortable-but-not-total-dream-job/family/friends etc;
    2. Have him come here where we might be tied down with less income/less free time/less travelling and fun etc;

    My instinct is telling me to follow my heart and take this leap of faith- I guess I’m just afraid of the “what if it doesn’t work out and you end up not having your job/starting over….”

    The thought of moving to a new country is exciting and terrifying- but I know I want to be with this man.

    Any feedback is greatly appreciated!!!!

    #76312
    B
    Participant

    Hey blondilocks,

    This seems very similar to my recent situation that I wrote about under “confusion” just a couple of days ago. My advice – take the leap…if it doesn’t work out, it will be extremely hard, you will be heartbroken and feel like you have lost everything. But…if you never take that chance and never find out, you will regret it for the rest of your life. In the end, as with my situation, I don’t actually think there is a decision to make at all. There is only one choice you can make…be brave, be excited and good luck!

    – Brickflipper

    #76315
    Ariane Michaud
    Participant

    Thank you thank you thank you! I really needed to hear this. I think I have already come to this conclusion in my heart…I just need to quiet my overactive brain and stop throwing doubts into the mix.
    It is so liberating to think of a brand new life in a new place…if I only live once, I want to follow all the paths that are presented to me!

    #76344
    Daffodil
    Participant

    I feel like I’m on the other side of that “leap” at the moment in my own relationship. After 3 years, we’re having some struggles, and I’m unsure how to talk to him about some of the things that are bothering me.

    You’re right, you have two choices. Just remember that there are two sides to every coin.
    Now on one hand, you could take the leap and get everything you’ve ever dreamed of, maybe more. Or the “honeymoon-phase” will end/dwindle and you’ll either have to pick up the pieces or hope what you’re left with is strong enough to overcome anything. That’s the position I’m in. I took the leap.

    On the other hand, he could move to you, you might have a little less, but be equally as happy as you would have been anywhere. Or it’ll put a strain on the relationship, and he might resent you for having him move.

    Whatever you decide, you should decide to try in favor of love. You can always walk away or “come home”, but you’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t take the risk. Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor, and it’ll will forever be the chance that you missed, if you don’t take it.

    Despite my own position, I would go with the option to travel to him. A new adventure can make the beginning of something truly remarkable, plus you’ll get to know everything you both have to teach each other.

    #76365
    Ariane Michaud
    Participant

    Thanks for your response Daffodil 🙂

    I agree that I would have a hard time with regret if I don’t take the leap of faith.
    Also, I think showing him that I am willing to go there for him is a huge testament to my faith in our relationship.
    He was even extremely touched that I was the first to cross the ocean to visit him- he tells me all the time that it really made him feel special that I would travel that far for him.
    I know that I can trust him to help me with the transition.
    It’s scary to leave behind the stability and rely on him pretty much entirely- but who knows, I might be able to find a job there before I move so that I don’t feel as unproductive!!

    #76369
    jeena
    Participant

    I don’t know. I think your co-dependency might be taking over. Either that, or you’re a true romantic. What is so wrong with stability and the man waiting for you here?

    #76370
    Ariane Michaud
    Participant

    Hi Jeena

    I’m DEFINITELY a true romantic LOL

    Also worth stating that I would also like to have more freedom in my life (his country offers better salaries, more vacation time, leisure is a higher national priority etc;)…
    I’m not exactly pushing for him to come here because I know that we will likely have a lower quality of life. (Not to mention way worse weather!)
    I think I just needed support in terms of “ahhh can I really do this??”

    #76371
    jeena
    Participant

    Interesting. Something you just said is very telling to me. “ahh can I really do this?” should be “ahh do I really want to do this?” Do you see the difference? Which country- if you don’t mind me asking?

    #76372
    Ariane Michaud
    Participant

    You’re good :p

    But yes- the want is there!!!
    It would be a move from Canada (great place but I have issues with the high taxes/shitty government/long and depressing winters etc;) to Switzerland 😀 😀 😀

    #76375
    jeena
    Participant

    Heh, thanks. I’m trying to get to the bottom of this 🙂 So what I’m getting at is that you should ALREADY have the confidence to KNOW you CAN do it.(confidence thing). So knowing if you want to do it is completely independent from that or secondary, if you will. Let’s focus on the root first. Why don’t you think you can do this?

    #76376
    Ariane Michaud
    Participant

    I know I CAN- I think I just have issues with releasing the life that I am familiar with.
    There is something a bit frightening about just packing up and going…although it’s also EXCITING and liberating in its own way.
    I am a bit of a “control freak” (can you tell?? hehe) BUT I think it would actually be good for me to throw myself out of my element and challenge my personal growth as well…
    I already speak French so there won’t be major language issues- but it will be cool to be exposed to Swiss German and a new and exciting culture to explore…

    #76377
    jeena
    Participant

    Oh, if you know you can and you want to, go for it! Those are normal and real concerns you mentioned. I went through it and have no regrets, myself. One other thing- do it because you would do it with or without the person you want to be with. Because the safety net is only you. Good luck!

    #76379
    Ariane Michaud
    Participant

    Very good point!
    Yes- he’s the main reason- but hey, to be fair- I’ve always dreamed of running off to Europe- this is just the perfect opportunity 🙂

    Thanks for your feedback!

    #76382
    jeena
    Participant

    You’re welcome! And no shame in taking the opportunity as a stepping stone for what you really want to do in life 🙂

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)

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