” I would very much like to be in a healthy, equal partnership where theres trust, mutual respect and love but it seems impossible with this guy.”

I agree, I don’t think that’s going to be possible with this guy. You can find another guy, who will be able to relate to you in this way, after you leave this one.

“How can I be an enthusiastic, loving, caring, supportive partner during this time?”

Tell him you wish him well, and he’s not right for you.

He is not good for you. He is manipulative and dishonest. He only wants to hear from you or receive your love on his terms. He doesn’t care about what you might need. That’s because he’s not a good guy for you to be with. The other way you can tell you shouldn’t be with this guy is the effect it’s having on your mood and your self-esteem. The cure is simple. Freedom is within your grasp. Tell him you’re through.

You’re through.

Tell him.

Let us know what’s standing in the way if this does not seem like a possible solution for you to apply.

Please leave this man and don’t take him back. I have just come out of an abusive relationship that lasted 5 years, the abuse only gets worse and it gets harder to leave. I’m not in the right frame of mind to comment more today as I have come looking for support myself. I am out of the relationship 4 months now and I wouldn’t wish this emotional turmoil on anyway so please follow your instinct. His behaviour isn’t right and you do deserve a relationship with equal mutual respect. Please take a look at the cycle of abuse.

“I don’t want to break things off while he is in such a vulnerable place, being deployed and the possibility of not knowing if he is okay during this time scares me. Cutting off all contact is frightening. I am once again caring more about his feelings and well being than my own I suppose.”

Yes, you are, and you don’t have to be. You’re miserable. You don’t know how he will feel if you break things off, but that’s not your responsibility. He has not treated you well. You are miserable. Those are plenty good reasons to break it off. His emotional situation is not for you to manage.

“So do I ignore the past and wait this out, or do I end things and feel like a horrible person for doing so…no matter the decision, I will suffer.”

If you end things now, you may feel like a horrible person (though I see no need for you to). But on the other side of that suffering, there will be freedom. If you walk away now, you’ll have walked a considerable distance when he comes back from his deployment.

If, on the other hand, you wait this out (knowing you want the relationship to end anyway), you’ll suffer while waiting, and you’ll still suffer when you break it off eventually. Remember the kind of person he is:

“He told me he was ill and had a tumor that had to be removed before he deployed in the next two months?! I definitely believe he used these chain of events to make me feel horrible about leaving him when he was “going through so much”. ”

He will try to make you feel bad for leaving him regardless of the situation. That’s how he’s managed to hold on to you thus far. Don’t fall for this trap. It’s not your fault he’s got a tumour or is in the army. You’re not his social worker. You don’t have to stay with him until he feels better. How long is that going to take, anyway? You deserve better. If he wanted to be with you, he should have treated you better. Don’t let him manipulate you into staying or coming back.

I agree with Natasha that the cycle of abuse, or the tactics abusers use are relevant here. I’m not saying he’s definitely an abuser, but he’s manipulative and there are well-known psychological traps that people can get stuck in for years. It seems to me that might happen here. Walk away now, and in a few months you’ll be walking in the sun. Delay your journey, and the walk won’t get any easier.

This is a tough situation to be in. I hope you’ll be OK. My best wishes.