This is a very long story, i know all the answers to my problems but i cant fix them. Every relationship has been the same, keeping a safe distance and playing house, no true emotions. In fact every aspect of my life contained no true emotions nothing was truely real but the mask i kept glued on.
I met my husband away from home while with someone else (whom really meant nothing but something warm to Lay next to in the night) this point in My life i really began to build more self
confidence through toxic means that only made things worse. I dont like to admit that i was basically a prostitute by another name. I experienced new feelings intimately in a very wrong and dysfunctional way not to already mention the dysfunction already building beforehand. To try and sum things up, eventially the bed warmer left and k started my new relationship with the same feeling i started everyone before that, that i was guilted/didnt have a choice/didnt want to ruin this new persons life whom depended on me so deeply and was a good friend and person i cared about. The resentment then built, when i started to treat this like everybother relationship he wasnt going to put up with that he loved me and knew what it meant to be truely close to another person and wanted that from me, to be all in. 4 years later and i am still not fully in, ive slowly changed and learned a lot about myself and how much of a stuborn selfish and thoughtless child i was and still am. He was challenging me to step up. Right now my resentment only breaches through subconscious actions. I have hurt him in more ways then i thought possible and right now our relationship is back and forth. He is patient and trys to help im stubborn lash out or do something ijust stupid and hes yelling and hating me at the same time. I want to work this out because hes the only person ive felt this way about and the only person ive made so much progress with. Im still stuck though my mind has built a glass house around me and i still feel disconnected as if im just floating through life and when i try to take the lead i crash and burn or give up, i struggle with a lot of anxiety i never tried and put my heart into anything but instead avoided it by playing the stupid/innocent card. Ive made my commitment in life, we are entangled together and although it is a hurtful sitution ive experiencef more true love then i have my whole life