Lost my empathy

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 7 months ago by Kath.

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March 21, 2015 at 5:07 am #74213

Csaba
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Hello!
I’m a 20 years old guy, currently living alone. I moved to Budapest from a small town 2 years ago. Ever since I moved here I became less and less empathetic towards people. Before this I was a kind guy, I listened to everybody, helped where I could. But ever since I’ve been living here I got tired and tired from people wanting my time, where everybody came first instead of me and it has gotten to the point where I just cant care about what others feel anymore. I go to the gym 4 times a week and I dont give up that “me time” for anybody, because its my time where i can regenerate. When I walk in the big city I get furious because of people walking slowly infront of my all the time, or if the touch me on the bus because there aren’t enough space. I just get really angry and don’t know why, I never had such hatred for ordinary people.I don’t want to give my place on the bus for the elderly. Whenever someone opens up for me, deep down I know that I don’t really care, and that I cant help, because they just want to get things off their chest about things I dont care about. I’ve become stubborn, I dont listen to anybody but myself and I started to lose people around me. My friends told me that I became cold and I’m just not the old me who they can rely on, and worst of all, I realised that I don’t care. What is wrong with me? What have I become?

March 21, 2015 at 10:04 am #74220
George
Participant
Dear Csaba

You must be really hurting having all that anger inside you. You are not a terrible person Csaba. You are questioning your thoughts.
You say “What is wrong with me?” “What have i become?” Only a kind-hearted person would bother having these thoughts. A kind hearted person suffering from exhaustion perhaps…

Maybe you gave all your love to the world, again and again, getting little in return, or not love in forms and results you expected it to be.

Did you ever tell your story, share your feelings with someone? Or was it always one way affection you experienced? Did you expect people will listen to your problems because you listened to their problems? Because in reality to get help you should ask for help. Unfortunately people can’t guess if we are in pain. Fortunately if we are in pain and let it be known, people respond.

Csaba i am really, really sorry, for the bad emotions boiling up inside you. More important than listening to yourself, is someone else listening to you!

You have every right to go to that gym and work out 4 times a week and no one should try and bother you while you recharge your batteries. No one!

It is normal to overreact. Your emotions took hold of you because you haven’t payed any attention to them!
A boiling kettle to return to normal temperature must be cooled again. A safe way to cool down is to speak to someone you think will listen. Is there anyone that you think will listen to you if you ask them to?

Also try spendind time with yourself. Doing things you enjoy truly. Grab a bicycle and tour the city! Draw a painting, take pictures, do meditation, try mindfullness videos on youtube.They were suggested to me, and helped me calm down in a time of need. Also, hang out with people that don’t drain your energy!

I hope this helped a little, fellow tinybuddhits may be more helpfull.

Take care of yourself, you deserve it!
George
- This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by George.
March 21, 2015 at 12:40 pm #74223

Christy
Participant

Csaba, I am sorry to hear that you feel overwhelmed with anger. I have felt this at times too, and in addition to feeling angry, felt very hopeless as well.

I think, like George said, there is something – probably something completely unrelated to the people of your city – that is eating at you. Somewhere in your life their is some form of rejection, abandonment, disappointment, fear or some other emotion that has not been dealt with. In response to this repression or neglect, or emotions were forced to find another means by which they could make themselves heard and it through this anger.

Do you journal much? Perhaps doing so could help you get to the root of these emotions. Moving to a city city is a pretty major change in life, are you missing home? Or maybe you had expectations about what life in the city would be like that arent being met?

March 22, 2015 at 2:27 am #74249

Csaba
Participant

Fist of all thank you for your answers, you don’t know how much this means to me. The root of the problem may be with that ever since I lived here I got many rejections from girls, even from one whom I truly loved. Maybe…. I’m gonna do some thinking on this and I’ll talk it through with my father. Thank you georgev and christea! From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

March 23, 2015 at 4:33 am #74299

Will
Participant

I’m very glad that you’ve noticed the cold spreading within you, and want to do something to stop it.

You know, living in the city can be stressful, even without the rejections you talk about. Combined, it seems you’ve drifted into a bit of a funk, a kind of – “Well, who cares about you, anyway!” This is a natural response, but it seems it was the start of an ongoing slide, where you applied that same “Well, who cares about you!” to more and more people, and more and more situations, growing colder and colder within yourself.

You can reverse that sad, bitter spiral simply by doing the opposite. Instead of “Who cares about you!” try to think, “I hope you feel good today. I hope you’re enjoying the sunshine. I hope you’re not walking slowly because you’re in pain. I hope your screaming children will grow up into good people and you’ll be proud of them someday.” It’s a tough exercise, but it can make such a difference. Learn to care by practicing. Just care! Send a little mental note of well-wishing to people, people you know, people you don’t know, people you don’t even like.

If you’re interested in learning more about this method, look up metta meditation. It’s a Buddhist practice that can do a lot of good. I really hope it helps, and that your heart can thaw a little as you pay attention to it. The more love you give, the more you are capable of giving. The more you withhold it, the less you’ll have. And that’s going to hurt you.

All my best wishes to you.

March 23, 2015 at 6:46 am #74302

Kath
Participant

Dear Csaba!
What you describe sounds really tough… and as you and others have already written, it sounds like a reaction to being rejected…
I too felt like that at times, and it mostly stemmed from being rejected at school. I could not recognise it at that time, it just felt like I was surrounded by stupid people who just did not get reality. Sometimes I got so angry I had very vivid and violant daydreams. I guess I can be thankful none of that turned into actual behaviour.
What you wrote also reminded me of an autobiography I read about a guy. Don’t get this the wrong way, I am not comparing but want to show you that this may happen on an even crazier level: He was abused as a child and had a really difficult relationship to his mother. This affected his relationship to women in general. After being rejected and disappointed a lot by women, he grew very hard and cold and became an abusive pimp. He wrote about the stuff he did to women, and that it took him years in prison and therapy to find out that it was his disappointment and his lack of selflove that he projected as hatred on other people. (He now owns a fitness-studio and teaches children about self-respect, so much for turning things around ;-))

I guess what I want to say with this is: You are not alone. Your feelings don’t exist because your a bad person, but because there is something unresolved, as the others have already said.
It is truely great that you notice this yourself and ask for help!!! It sucks to be rejected, and sometimes people do it in a way that seems cruel. But this should never lead you to question your selfworth or to become cruel in return – maybe they are just the wrong people for you!
I hope you can turn this around, find people who care about you and enjoy caring about other people again!
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