@Steve1:
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Here I am complaining about men when you are clearly a man suffering from what a woman did to you. I honestly don’t know how to explain woman either. They are confusing creatures as well.
All in all, heartache is heartache and I feel your pain. I felt helpless too when my relationship ended too (even though I wasn’t married) but I know its more difficult for someone to move on who has children with their partners.
Like you mentioned, you feel like you are failing your sons. Live for them. Learn to love yourself for them. Once you find that love and serenity within yourself, I am sure you will be able to find the right woman and start a whole new life with her. You deserved to be loved despite what happened to you in the past. Right now you need to focus on yourself and your sons. They need their father while they are growing up. They need him to be strong for them, be there for them and teach them things, particularly about life. Father and sons have a very special bond and I am sure you have the same bond with them. Life is too short and I know its been 4 years since your marriage ended, it might be because you haven’t forgiven your ex-wife. I think its time to forgive her for yourself and for the sake of your sons. Once you have done that, there is this powerful sense of relief that radiates throughout your whole body that I cannot explain. I felt that way when I forgave my partner for ending things with me.
Try meditation if you will. It really helps. But the most important thing is to forgive her and let go of your past. I hope this made some sense for you.

Forgiveness is not approval. You have to do it because it is how you let go of your resentment. I’m sure it’s quoted here on this site somewhere but it’s worth repeating: Keeping Resentment (and anger) is like you drinking poison and hoping the other person will die from it.

Hopefully you are active with your sons. Try to focus on that. Exercise or start cooking really healthy meals. If you already do then think about some other ways to make extra income. Even if it isn’t feasible now, in two years it may be if you lay the groundwork now. It will take some time but just focus on what you need to do to improve, not on your ex.

It’s ok to vent. I’m sorry you are hurting so much right now. It is hard to find someone you like. Is there anyplace you could get out to volunteer? Or get a pert-time job? It will widen your circle of acquaintances and maybe you could have fun with it. Getting a job you think is goofy for money is a drag but if you do it to meet people the extra income would be a perk.
Take care and try to have a happy birthday.

Hey Steve,

Your post really resonated with me. Until recently, I WAS you. I was filled with anger, rage and resentment towards my ex who had lied, cheated and then left. She was making all kinds of positive changes and moving on in her life and was happier than she had been in many years. I was hurt, angry, jealous, pissed off and vowed I could never forgive her.

My anger and resentment took up most of my energy in life and left little room for anything good like happiness, laughter, connections with people, friendships, work, etc. I blamed her for all of my problems. As a result, by the end of the year last year, I was exhausted and miserable. I had been told repeatedly that forgiving her would help me, but I didn’t want to let go. My anger was familiar, I was attached to it. I still am not sure why, but one day about a month ago I woke up and decided I didn’t want to be angry anymore. That my anger wasn’t helping me. In fact it was slowly killing me. Figuratively and literally. So I made a decision to let it go and I started to do just that. Honestly, I was unprepared for what happened next. First, it felt like I had just put down a 300 pound weight. Next, without my anger, I can now see things so much more clearly than I have in years. Anger and rage are blinding. I see things about myself, choices that I have made that have brought me to where I am. It has been very humbling. There were many things she did that were wrong and hurtful, but also many things I should have done differently. She has not been the cause of my misery. I have been making myself miserable with what I have chosen to think about and focus on. About a week and a half ago, I met with her and told her that I forgave her for all of the lies and the affair. I also acknowledged many of the things that I did that contributed to the demise of our marriage and I apologized to her for those. I can honestly tell you, it has been one of the best things I have ever done for MYSELF in my life. It is so liberating to let go of it. I am now able to focus my energy on improving myself and getting back to being me. The person I truly am, not the negative rage filled person I had become. It has improved my relationships with my kids, my family, my friends and made co-parenting easier with my ex. I have a long way to go to heal completely, but it is getting better and easier every day now.

Everyone has their own journey they are on. I was holding onto anger to protect myself from being hurt again. If this sounds like you, i would encourage you to make a conscious decision to let go. Not for her, but for you. I wasn’t ready or willing to do this for a long time, so I know how hard it is to do. God, I wish I would have done this years ago!!!! I wasn’t ready. My guess it that at some point you won’t be willing to live like this anymore and you will want to change. I hope it is soon for you. Let it go and be free my friend. Then be prepared to work on becoming your positive self again. As some other people mentioned, you owe it to yourself and your kids!!

Peace.

Hi Steve,

Please don’t take this wrong way, but your post made me laugh aloud. I mean honestly, what happened to you during your marriage really sucks. It’s pretty bad. And I always laugh at things that are just really really bad. It really just couldn’t be any worse. That guy ate dinner –In your house– with your kids??? That’s crazy.

The only thing I can say is that the worst is over. Would you really want to go back to your old life? I know you made more money then, and it seemed like you had everything, but that was clearly all an illusion. Starting over is really tough, I’ve done it and I know, but the great thing about it is that your life is an empty canvas. You can do whatever you want. Isn’t there something you’ve never done that you’re just dying to do? And I don’t mean going on some fancy vacation or anything like that. Is there something you’ve always wanted to learn? Go do it. Now is the time.

I get that you’re resentful, it would be weird if you weren’t. But don’t let that resentment take your days from you. Put that energy somewhere else. Find what makes you happy. Not who, but what–you know?

Good luck 🙂
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Hi Steve,

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it seems like you’re hanging on tightly to the past and have not let go – of EVERYTHING negative that happened during your marriage and after your divorce. Your wife has moved on and seems happy, based on what you’ve shared, and clearly you have not. You’re focus is on the past, and not the present. As long as you are focusing on the past, you cannot heal. I agree with all the other posters about forgiveness and moving on. You care too much about what happened in the past. Do what has been suggested in the replies here, and your life will change. Not enough venting will do the job, although it helps. It’s time to make a change (and it’s an inside job).

Cheers.

Hi Steve,

The others have made some valid points about letting go in that it’s a gift you give yourself rather than your ex.

Reading your post, I noticed that your anxieties mainly come from 2 sources. The first is when you compare your life with someone else (e.g. Your ex). There are a million articles here about why this is a bad idea but the fact is when you had your divorce, you made a choice to be the primary cater which means that you will not have time to travel the world or date as much as your ex does. I think you’ve made the right choice here since you can do the other stuff later but you will never get your time with your boys again. Things might be a bit tough now but remembering why you made this decision and that it was your choice can help.

The second is when you feel that the world didn’t work the way you expect it to (e.g. why nice guys finish last). Let’s be honest here Steve good things don’t always happen to good people and people who lie and cheat through life always seem to get ahead in the short term. But you know what, that’s ok because we don’t do good things because we expect to be rewarded. We do it so that we can bring something positive to the world and sleep at night. As for dating, being nice and a gentleman is good but there is a little something extra that’s required for chemistry to happen. So don’t get jaded when things didn’t work out because I am certain that you are not attracted to every nice woman out there either.