Hello,

Thank you for your honest and heartfelt question.

When I was a freshman in high school, I thought I had met the love of my life. We spent practically every day together for four years. Over time, It became the kind of relationship where we had the same friend group, did the same activities, went on vacations with our family together, and simply coexisted in harmony.

As time went by, I discovered that he had been cheating a year and a half into our relationship. I still stayed with him for another year and a half. That time was full of self-destructive behaviors, manipulation, vengeance, and cheating on my part to get back at him.

Looking back, after his unfaithfulness, I saw that we were no longer truly in love, we were just staying with each other out of convenience. The time I put into the relationship was so intense, that I preferred to stay with him while deteriorating instead of letting go something I worked so hard for.

Our relationship ended on October 25th, 2013: my 18th birthday. He left me for one of his hookups that left him shortly after. I was no one without him, or so I thought. I had spent so much time with him that I did not have my own identity. My mindset at the time was so pessimistic and destroyed that it led me to attempt suicide. I was unsuccessful due to the intervention of my mother, but that was my rock bottom.

I left the country for the next three months. I traveled to South America and found myself through the journey. By being away from the situation, I was able to not only remove my ex from my life, but to also be away from the individuals who knew and were involved that caused my stress. I began the process of recovery.

It is not going to be easy, it hurts to be left by someone who you thought loved you. But no one who truly loves you would harm and disrespect you like your partner did. A partnership is about growth; encouraging each other to be the best individuals you can be. So while you may still know his number by heart 6 months after talking to him, cut him off, let him be. People come into and out of your life for a reason: they either help you grow as a person, or harm you and teach you a lesson, which will better prepare you for life in the future by familiarizing you with that kind of situation.

My best advice? do you. Find things that you love, do hobbies you have always found interesting and enjoy. The pain in your heart may seem like a fatal wound at the moment, but in ten, twenty, sixty years you’ll look back and laugh. Heartbreak makes you grow as a person, how you choose to view and grow from the situation is completely up to you.

Stay strong!

~Niko

Dear lapedrezza,

M sorry to hear what happened with you. What Nikolai said is absolutely right.

U should kick that man out of ur life. He is a cheat and has been using u for his personal pleasure. The words of love and sweetness from him was a big FAKE coz no one behaves so cruelly with a loved one. He was coward enough to manipulate u and sleep with u and coward enough to blame it on u, plus he had a gut to say that he is ashamed of u!!

Such kind of behaviour can only be expected from a d*ckhead and/or jackass..

So let him go to hell. You enjoy ur life and be a positive and optimistic person u used to be. It would be painful and hurting, but y will move on, and will definitely find a person who will really love u.

Best wishes
Smit

• This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by smit.

Hello dear Lapedrazza,

I’m sorry that you are going through this my dear, and that you feel broken right now. Your story reminds me so much of my worst dating experience. I apologize in advance for rambling and possibly going into a lot of detail. I don’t want you to feel alone. If sharing my experience helps you, then I’m happy to give a lot of detail.

My broken heart story still fills me with shame. I dated an old friend I hadn’t seen for years after we reconnected at a concert. We met up again and he immediately asked me out and started pursuing me. I couldn’t believe that he liked me! Early on we talked about our expectations for the relationship and he said he wanted to take things slow and I agreed. We went on a couple dates and I thought things were going fine. I did think it was strange that he told me not to hold his hand in public and that we never went on group dates or hung out with his friends. It was just me and him, and usually at his place. When we had dates close to the time I got off from work, he would offer to pick me up, but he would never pick me up in front of my work. He would tell me to walk a couple blocks away to meet him. In the beginning we were always in touch but soon he became distant: not returning texts, not having ‘real’ meaningful conversations any more (in the beginning we seemed to talk about everything). He was fine with physical contact and making out and had no boundaries there, but I just couldn’t figure out what was going on in his mind and he wasn’t willing to tell me. I asked him straight out what was happening in our relationship and he said everything was fine but he freaked out when I used the word ‘relationship’. I was upset by his reaction, but I just pushed down my feelings and concerns.

Then he became downright rude- correcting me rudely when we were in public, pretending to fall off his couch so he could get away from me when we were at his place kissing, offering me a drink from his pop can when we shared a meal and then purposefully drinking from the opposite the side I drank from, not offering to pick me up for our dates when he knew I didn’t drive (and he had always picked me up before), ignoring me when I saw him in public (we share a circle of common friends), offering others he knew a ride home if we ever left a public place together so that people would know there was nothing special about him driving me home- I could go on forever. After five months of these games, I finally ended things with him over a phone call. And you know what he did? He pretended he was upset and sad, and surprised: it was my fault that I felt this way. He bold-faced lied to me and said he had told me he only wanted a very casual relationship, that he wasn’t ready for one and that he had told me this. Then he said we were so compatible. He said things might have worked out between us if he didn’t have a career. He said he hadn’t had a girlfriend for 8 years (on our first date he shared how he had a bad break up from his girlfriend the year before we reconnected). He also asked me what he had done wrong. I just couldn’t believe this was happening. I felt blind-sided. Was I going crazy? Had I misinterpreted him? After I told him he had hurt me and asked to meet him to talk in person (yes, after all that I still met up with him to talk to him- but it get’s worse) he made us meet at a packed coffee shop and practically stared at me like I had two heads the whole time I tried to stutter and stammer my feelings. He told me he would like to stay in touch in case one of us ever wanted to ask what went wrong in the relationship. He never said he wanted to be friends, he never said he wanted to get back together. Here’s the ‘it gets worse’ part: these silly coffee meetings continued for a year after our break-up. He would send sporadic texts that I usually had to follow up. When we met he was cold and quiet, repeating the same empty, guarded conversations. I think as long as I was playing nice by his rules, he reached out to me. The last time I saw him among friends in a public place I was polite but didn’t go out of my way to talk to him or sit with him as I normally would. It’s been months now since we last spoke and that’s fine. It took nearly 2 years before I could say I’m okay with not having him in my life. I still feel hurt and angry with him sometimes. And angry with myself.

How did I miss all the signs? Pretty stupid of me, right? I must seem crazy for putting myself through his games, and staying for more each time he proved my feelings didn’t matter to him. When I look back I am convinced I was dealing with a narcissist,or a psycho, or a very manipulative person at the very least. Someone who also happened to be too cowardly to tell me the truth about his changing feelings or just walk away and leave me.

My healing is ongoing. I went to counselling- for more than a year. I was dealing with the death of a dear loved one when all this drama was going on, and we started exploring other areas of my life and my grief. I like to tell myself that I wouldn’t have let myself be treated like that if I had been in a better frame of mind and not grieving. But this was my first relationship. I wanted him to like me so bad- I was even willing to be mistreated. In counselling I heard many things that I didn’t like to hear. The most integral part to my healing has been facing these things I don’t like to hear, and meditation (two things I have never liked doing). I also tell myself affirmations-small or big truths about myself that I’m working on accepting.

Why did I stay so long? Why didn’t I speak up for myself? I suffer from people pleasing. I thought that my ex/non-relationship partner was the manipulative one, but people-pleasers act and think in ways they think will make others like them. This wasn’t honest of me. I wanted him to accept me because it would mean that I mattered. When other people liked me, I felt good. When other people didn’t like me, I felt terrible. The greatest gifts I have given myself are: saying no, and to stop editing the real me into a version I think will be more acceptable. I am learning to love myself. accept my short comings and face fears. I can’t choose the things that happen to me, but I can choose how I react. My people pleasing comes from a place of fear. I don’t have to live in fear.

During counselling we talked about what that relationship meant for me. I wanted him to like me because that would mean that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, that I wasn’t going to end up alone. I’m afraid to be by myself because I think this means I’m not worthy of love if people choose not to be with me. But I can’t control other people. I can’t control how they act, I can’t make them love me, I can’t make them stay, all I can do is love them. The longest relationship I’ll have is with myself. It’s not my parents or siblings, or best friends. People come and go. Some stay for a long time, some stay briefly. I’m the only one who I have to live with day in and day out- I’m the one I have to be accountable to. I shouldn’t give up on others and the hope of happy relationships but I should learn how to be true to myself and kind to myself. Being unkind to myself leads to being unkind and impatient with others.

All those signs I missed (feeling sick, feeling upset) were my ex’s way, and the universe’s way, of letting me know that the relationship was not healthy. I just chose not to listen and kept hurting myself. Love is not going to be perfect but love shouldn’t hurt. You shouldn’t have to be someone’s secret love. Someone who truly cares about you will be proud to show you off and be proud to be seen with you. Someone who truly cares about you won’t continue to do things that hurt you. Someone who truly cares about you won’t ask you to give 100% of yourself when they are only giving you much less. When you keep ignoring signs and your intuition, the universe will keep finding ways to remind you until you’re finally forced to slow down and listen.

Finally I had to forgive him and accept that although I did things that were wrong, I didn’t deserve to be hurt. I am worthy of love. I actually feel sorry for him. He may be a very sick person. Some days I still think of him with pain and anger- but it gets less all the time.

I’m so glad that you are going to counselling Lapedrazza. I think you should also indulge in self-love. Re-discover your passions and loves and the things that make your heart sing. Face your fears, accept the things that you don’t like about yourself and practice letting go. Know what your fears and passions are, and get to know who you are so that next time you are faced with a bad relationship or challenge, you can respond with calmness and patience, and focus to think clearly and trust that you will make a choice that is good for yourself and the other person. You deserve to experience real love- your mind, body, and soul deserve 100% of your love and commitment 100% of the time.

Reading ‘Fear’ by Thich Nhat Hanh has been a wonderful guide for me on my own self-love journey. Keep searching: read, write, think, trust in time and devote time to healing. You will heal from this and the pain will grow less and pass one day, I promise!

My best wishes to you in your journey to healing from this pain-

AM

I need help I have never felt this way ever I know people say that all the time. But when I was a little kid I learned how to build up a wall so no one could hurt me emotionally or physicaly my dad use to best me and thing like that so I learned to never get attached. Well this girl came into my life last year I went to California to see my friend I was out there a month and the entire time I was there I talked to her Skyped and everything well when I got back home we continued go talk and when christmas came around she came home from college and we hungout almost the entire time she was home. I started to like her but I tried to push my feelings away cause I told myself along time ago that I wouldn’t get feelings for anyone. I didn’t want to hurt again well we continued to talk everyday she was just like me played hockey we have the same beliefs on things she was perfect and we spent the entire summer hanging out and doing things. I would go to her work and see her she would come
Over after work almost everyday we would sleep and cuddle all the time but i was still distant cause I was so scared and I told her that and she said she understood. Then came
Time for Her to go back to school which is couple hours away and we still talked. And she wanted to make us official and I was stil scared to let her all the way in I was afraid I would become my father and do what he did to my
Mom so I said why can’t we continue what we are doing and I guess she felt like I didn’t like her or care about her but that’s not true. She never once told me this then one weekend I went up there to see her we hungout the entire time and did everything and I loved her I was just scared to tell her. Then I csme hkme
Then on Halloween she wouldn’t answer my calls or anything and I was worried well she ended up telling me she was taking to another guy because he made her feel like he cared and I lost it I cried so hard on the phone to her I told her how much I loved her and how she is the best thing in my life but she told me it was to late and I hurt her to many times. But she said she would try and give me a second chance so everyday I would call her and tell her how much I missed her and how much I loved her. Then one day she told me she was with him and had been for 2 months so she lied to me
About giving me a second chance and I’m heart broken I cant focus at school or at hockey practice I lose it I get into fights. I cry myself to sleep I can’t eat I try and focus on working out and getting in shape but it doesn’t help cause we would work out together and all I think about is her. I still tell her I love her I can’t help it I want her back so bad and when she gets into relationships they usually last a long time when we first started to talk she just got out of a 6 year one I feel like she can’t be alone and doesn’t like it thats why she is alesys getting into them right after one. I call her and txt her still I see her posts on Facebook with her new boyfriend and she looks so happy happier then she was with me but I don’t know I feel lost and empty without her I asked her if we could date after she breaks up with him and she said Maybe I know I shouldn’t wait but I love her so much and Im afraid that she will be with him for ever and mayhe marry him but it’s been 4 months and it still hurts so bad I can’t get over Her I thought I would never love and she taught me how to I guess it was to late but I feel like it can’t be. What should I do i need help sorry for the ramble but I can’t take it I’m sick of crying

You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you and is proud to have you, I have been in a very similar situation, I was feeling mistreated so I ended the relationship, a few weeks later I went to Europe. While I was in Europe I found out that he was dating a girl that i knew, and had asked him about several times – he had assured me that there was nothing between them.

For you it is best that you’re free from the relationship and soon you’ll be able to break free of the thought of him. If he dated a girl 2 weeks after the breakup, he was most likely seeing her while seeing you – that’s so awful but it reflects badly on him. You’re the person who will grow from this relationship while he continues to build toxic, doomed relationships.

All you can do is cut negative people out of your life, it’s hard at first but long term it’s for the best.