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Having a tough time coping with breakup

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  • January 31, 2015 at 5:25 am #72140
    Strawberry
    Participant

    I am sorry, this is going to be a long one. I am close to 5 months post breakup and around 2 months NC but I am still struggling to cope and live my life as I used to. We were together for two years. The trigger for our breakup was when he refused to go on a vacation with me. He would always give me excuses and this time, I finally had it. The reason that he gave was that he was unsure of our relationship and that the reason why he went for trips with his ex-girlfriends was because they had no expectations of him. I couldn’t leave it at that so I asked him what he meant by that which led to us officially breaking up a week later. When we were breaking up, we talked for hours and he said that his family will never accept me due to differences in our race, religion and culture and that we and our kids will be shunned by the entire family. I was calm during that time and begged him to consider but he would not have any of it. He shed tears and said that he hurt me so much when he apparently loved me. I told him to please not hurt anyone else after me and to go with whoever his parents pairs him up with in a arranged marriage. After that day, there was no contact between us until one day in a moment of weakness, I couldn’t help myself and showed up unannounced at his work place as I missed him so. He treated me as though we were still together, by being affectionate only to later say ‘We cannot be together’. So we went our separate ways. During our time on no contact, he would always block me on a chat application only to unblock me again the next day. He did this numerous times. A week later, he sends me a message at 2am in the morning saying that he is trying very hard to convince himself that he has done the right thing and that the reason he is not reaching out to me is because it would make it difficult for me to move on. He said that he is being like this not because there is someone else, or that he stopped liking me, but that he is not strong enough. He also said that he is not trying to absolve himself but he is not taking the breakup well either. Around a month later, in a moment of weakness (again), I sent him a text message pouring my heart out to him telling him how much he had hurt me. He replied saying that he still thinks of me everyday, is not over me, and sent me a photo of a gift that I had made for him on his desk saying that he still keeps my reminders in front of him to give himself some comfort. A few days after that, we met up and he behaved as though we were still a couple although I was very emotional during our meet up. My birthday came a few days later which he sent me a message at 4am to wish me happy birthday. I requested that we go to work together like how we used to and he willingly obliged. We went to work together and he held on to my hand tightly during the entire ride and when we arrived, I told him that I will buy him a coffee to thank him for coming to work with me. He was in a hurry so he suggested that we meet in the afternoon instead which we did. That day after work, he went to get me a gift and gave it to me the next morning (he went to work with me for the second day in a row and we had breakfast together). After breakfast, he said that he would like to get me my favorite chocolate fudge cake for my birthday and I told him that there isn’t a need for him to do that but he insisted. After that day and after much thinking, I sent him a text message saying that I have been doing some thinking and that I realized that I was not respecting his wishes when I reached out to him as he has made it very clear that he doesn’t want me in his life so I should stay away. I told him that there is no longer a need for him to get me the cake and I wished him well. He replied the next day saying that he did not know how to respond to my message and that I was an important part of his life and that he only has fond memories of us. I told him that he has hurt me terribly and for that he said he knew although he could not comprehend how much and then apologized. After that exchange of words, I deleted his number from my phone, determined to forget him and move on with my life. He started to travel on business and 2 weeks later, he sends me another message saying ‘I’m sorry’. That was 2 months ago and I still have not replied him as no apology is big enough considering the amount of pain he has caused me. I also felt that it was a half hearted and insincere attempt at an apology. While he was on his business trip, I have come to know that he met a lady who’s divorced with 3 children. Ever since they met, which was around two months ago, she has followed him on all his business trips and even went on vacation with him during the Christmas and New Year holidays. This has hurt me tremendously as he would refuse to go on any trips with me even though he was so loving towards me during our relationship. I am so hurt and pained by this person that I am struggling on a daily basis and do not know when I will start to feel normal again. I have not been sleeping or eating much since the breakup and am not able to enjoy any activities or social events like I used to. I have even seen a hypnotherapist and am now seeing a counsellor on a weekly basis with very little improvement. I am having too much difficulty moving past this. Thank you for allowing me to share my story and for your kind replies.

    January 31, 2015 at 11:35 am #72151
    Ashley Arcel
    Participant

    Hello,

    I read your post and I am sorry to hear about what you’ve been going thru.

    I would certainly recommend you the following,

    a. Stay away from whatever has a memory attached to him, small things like restaurants, hangouts, articles etc., which have a connection to him can be avoided temporarily,
    b. Go for a holiday – with your best friend. A long deserving holiday can rejuvenate you and help memories of him fade away,
    c. (can be optional and hard) Try and get busy as much as you can – maybe look for an extra job – just to keep you busy.

    Remember, you are a very strong women and you can come over this.

    Hope this helps.

    Ashley

    January 31, 2015 at 6:46 pm #72167
    Strawberry
    Participant

    Thank you for your response Ashley, it’s easier said than done but I need to have the determination to overcome this, for my own sake.

    Would appreciate any other comments or thoughts on my situation.

    January 31, 2015 at 8:06 pm #72168
    Peace
    Participant

    I’m sorry you’re going through such pain. But you are going through it. 5 months, 10, 15, however long it takes. If you were dating with the hope of marriage unfortunately that’s the price to pay. 2 years seems like a long time to realize it can’t result in that, but I do kind of understand the vacation excuse. Why play house so to speak if you know you shouldn’t go down that road at all? He said he wants someone with no expectations.

    It will be difficult but try to pick 3 things to focus on and post them to remind yourself. A new hobby or an old one, a friend, charity work, regular work. For the next six months whenever you start dwelling on him again pick one of those things to focus on. Even if you’re just making a list or reading about it. You’ll still think of him but hopefully you’ll stop obsessing.

    February 2, 2015 at 7:06 am #72246
    Stacey
    Participant

    Hi Strawberry,

    I’m going through a similar type of breakup but my ex hasn’t met anyone new yet. It’s absolutely gut wrenching and painful. I totally understand how you must be feeling. It has been 6 weeks for me and we still talk every day but haven’t seen each other face to face yet; his choice. I’m contemplating going no contact because I think I’m setting myself up for more pain by continuing to talk to him. I’m fairly certain that once he meets someone new, he will stop communicating with me and that will be an even more painful set back. He made his choice and I have to accept it.

    I’m very proud of you for maintaining no contact because I know how hard it must have been to let go of your hopes of being together. The only thing that has helped me is going to Al Anon meetings almost daily. I’m learning about emotionally detaching from someone who can’t be available to me. One thing I have learned is that there is no way to avoid the grieving process and there’s no time limit. Allow yourself to grieve the loss and do what ever you need to, take as much time as you need to and don’t beat yourself up. I think it’s normal for one’s self worth to plummet after being rejected. Take good care of yourself right now and seek out the love and support of your friends and family. No matter what happens, you will be okay. For now, just allow yourself to move through the pain and know you aren’t alone. Internet forums are full of people who have had their heart’s broken. It’s part of life.

    Big hug to you!

    February 3, 2015 at 8:21 am #72300
    Ashley Arcel
    Participant

    Hello Strawberry,

    I can imagine your pain and i understand that it can be difficult to let go of something so easily.

    I am pretty sure that you would be able to overcome this pain in yourself, try your best to get yourself detached to him and the first step certainly would be to not be around those things that remind you of him.

    I believe small steps like these can be a huge difference and I hope it makes a difference to you too. 🙂

    Ashley
    http://www.thegirlinlongshorts.com

    February 3, 2015 at 11:21 am #72306
    Matthew
    Participant

    Hi Strawberry,

    I came to this site a few months back when I was looking for direction after a breakup also – 4 months removed from a 2 year relationship. I had such a hard time coming to terms with things because it caught me so off guard. She had been having doubts about us for a while and I thought we were both pretty happy – I really didn’t see it coming. That feeling of hopelessness when you want so badly to change the reality of a situation but you can’t – it’s paralyzing – I literally struggled to find the right words when she called me to break up. I can sympathize with what you are going through totally. I had a period of about a week where I had no desire to eat – I went 3 or 4 days and had no hunger at all I actually started to get worried and forced myself to eat. My ex didn’t so much say specific things about me, in fact she said there were a lot of things I wasn’t ready to hear about myself yet, but she seemed so disgusted with me over pretty small things. I couldn’t understand how someone could feel that level of vitriol towards someone they supposedly loved so much at one point. She acted as if I had wronged her in some way when all I had ever done was try to show her unconditional love. Anyway, it’s been 4 months and I’d like to say I’m completely over her but today is her birthday and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wonder if I even crossed her mind.

    I’m trying as much as I can to move on but I still find reminders every now and then and it does drudge up some of the hurt. You just have to trust your process and focus on staying in the moment. As someone who has always been a big worrier and obsessed over the future – I can’t tell you how freeing it feels to let all that go and just worry about where I am right now this moment. I know that’s easy to sit down and tell someone but I’ve become a lot better at it with practice and a will to apply it. This has been one of the hardest things for me to do – that and show compassion to someone who I felt treated me pretty poorly all things considered. Meditation and positive affirmations have helped me a lot. Some days I have to fake it – some days I feel hopeless and miserable – but I do find moments of levity where I feel calm and I am glad when I look back and saw I fought through the day when everything in me wanted to just shut the blinds and pull the covers over my head. To me that is true courage – something I’ve learned to find in myself and exercise. I’ve become a lot stronger person through this mess and I’m a believer that strength can’t be gained without pain (physical or emotional). I still have my bad days but I have seen how this breakup has made me a better version of myself and closer to the version of myself that I want to me.

    All I can offer you in advice is what seems to be helping me – find some time to sit down and put the sadness and pain aside, if only for 10 minutes, and focus on some of the things in your life that you have to be grateful for. Start there and go easy on yourself, don’t beat yourself up and try to do some of the things you enjoy (I know sometimes this isn’t easy but eventually you will find the person you were before you met this person). You may not feel like it right now but in time you might find that you are happy this relationship did not work out. Your wants and needs are just as important as your partners and if we are really honest it’s a waste of time to put energy into wanting to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with us. I know it sounds corny and cliche but you survived just fine before this person was in your life – in time you will be just fine without them. I wish you the quickest of recovery and I hope that you find some peace and relief from the situation – I sympathize with you totally – as much as a random stranger on the internet can I guess (haha). Just know you are not alone there are plenty of us out there struggling to deal with breakups – some take longer than others- and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just don’t let it consume you and close you off to the other opportunities life is trying to show you.

    Best wishes in your recovery,
    Matthew

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by Matthew.
    February 4, 2015 at 2:19 pm #72377
    DW2BIPA
    Participant

    @strawberry:
    Your story is VERY similar to mine, that is, the reason behind the break-up. I do not maintain any contact with the person who broke my heart. It was tough. I did what you did. Text message here and there in the moment of weakness. I was with him for 4 years and he broke up with me for the same reason he broke up with you. Just recently I have come to accept the break-up. I was in denial and hoping he would fight for us although he did tell me he did not love me anymore. My story is very confusing and long but the point is, we have to move on. Sometimes the fight is not worth it. I would have fought my family for him if they didn’t accept him but he straight out told me he would not. So I am in a lose-lose situation and it was inevitable we go our separate ways. I know your pain. I went through that EXACT pain but I have come to terms with it after 5 LONG months of crying and hoping he would come back to me.
    I made a list of why I think the relationship would and would not work and to my surprise there were more “it will not work” than “it will work.” I got rid of everything that reminded me of him (finally!) because I don’t think there is anything that can salvage this relationship. He doesn’t contact me and I don’t contact him. If he has moved on, I am happy for him because I think I have finally forgave him. If I am happy for him, then I think I can be happy for myself. I need to take control of my life and work towards my career goals and not let a guy who I thought was my soul-mate to take that away from me. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone but it is part of life and I realize now that I went through all this for a reason, and that is, to be a stronger person for myself. I hope it helps. You are not alone!

    February 4, 2015 at 8:03 pm #72391
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Strawberry,

    There is a lot of great advice here and one of the things that helped me through a break up is music. Obviously we all have different tastes but here are a couple of my favorite break up songs:

    Stay – Rihanna
    Let her go – The Passengers
    Gonna get over you – Sara Barellis
    Somebody that I used to know – Goyte
    Someone like you – Adele
    Wonderwall – Oaisis

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