Dear deelee…

I can understand your pain and anger. The relationship to your family really seems to be troubled. I just want to give you a few thoughts I have on this:

1. For yourself: We all make mistakes. Big mistakes. Life mistakes. It is ok to make mistakes! You need to accept the situation and stop blaming yourself or others for how it is. It’s not a cool situation to be in, but there are much worse…

2. You cannot change your family. What do you expect of them? That they admit something, apologize, something else? This will probably not happen! It is hard to let go of your expectations, but these expectations and your anger seem to be the things that make the situation so unbearable… not the situation itself!

3. Your daughter obviously deserves to have contact to her grandparents. However, this does not mean you have to spend christmas with them! Is there any way she can have a relationship with them (maybe your wife can hold the contact?) and you can get some distance from your family?

4. It’s just money. This is one of the most important things I learnt in life so far. Sure, money gives security, and the thought of having lost a lot of money on the house is frustrating. But your job is not to hold on to tht frustration and anger. Your job is to take care of yourself, and deal with the situation in a way that is actually healthy and good for you! I cannot tell you which way that might be, but you should put your mental and emotional health before money.

5. You do have a house, dont you? Maybe it costed you more than you should have. Maybe you could have had a nicer house by now… But we are all in this kind of game, and with having a house at all you are still one of the winners 🙂
Your wife doesnt even seem to blame you, does she? So why would you do it yourself?

I’m really sorry if this is though love, I really feel with you and can understand your anger and pain. But I also feel that it is the key to how this situation will resolve. You cannot change the situation or others, you can only change yourself and the way you deal with things. Maybe your counsellor is not a good fit, and you need to try someone else? There are good ones out there, sometimes it takes time to find them!
Hang in there!

Hi Dee,
In your story I can see similarities with my story.
I’ve been in a very opening healing journey for the past 4 years and things get better, it is a very painful process but it is definitely worth it. So I would like to share my opinion about your situation.

You should consider your relationship with your parents if is not healthy not matter the fact they are your parents have not right to treat you the way they do, listen to your feelings, to your body and trust it if doesn’t feel right you should stop contact with them even if is temporarily to focus on your own recovery. Ask yourself if is healthy for your daughter to have her grandparents around, ask if those people who have treated you so badly and seem to not have remorse or regret about it are safe to be around her.

start seeing yourself from a compassionate point of view, of course we all make mistakes, those like us trained to take care or ourselves without being able to count on our caregivers tend to beat ourselves up a lot, unconditional self-love and compassion is necessary to start to heal.

Your wife seems like someone who supports you, you don’t own nothing to your birth family love is not a privilege is a right

I tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which help me a lot, and I like experimenting with holistic therapies, and get inspired by writers, speakers and so on, in my case my two favourites at the moment are Paulo Coelho, and Alejandro Jodorowsky, the second one advices practices that are symbolic and that help a lot, like for example: on a piece of paper write all the negative things that people of influence in your life told you, then burnt the paper and then cover yourself with the ashes while you say ” I transform this curses into blessings, I will develop all my possibilities and I will be triumphant, I will love and I will be loved, I bless my authentic self” well that just and idea and my translation to his words hehe.
The ways to heal are infinite so don’t give up!, I wish you the best so you unfold the live you truly want and deserve.

Hi Dee,

I’m sorry that you are going through this.
My first point…..what “Kath” said. She’s hit the nail on the head.
Second point….you probably know this, but you don’t know how to change your mindset. That’s the hardest part for all of us and there’s no quick fix. It’s a lot of hard and repetitive “head work”.

One thing I do know is that this old saying is very relevant…” Blame, anger and resentment is like drinking a glass of poison and expecting the other person to die”. The only person hurting here is you.

Your challenge is to work on your mindset…little bit by little bit…until:

1. You can accept that the reality is that people make mistakes, and they most often do that, not maliciously, but by ignorance or other distractions or other priorities. We don’t all live and think and react in line with your formula of how the world should work.
2. You accept that you you can make mistakes, once again, not on purpose, but because you had other beliefs or priorities at the time of the decision…eg the decision not to get a building inspection. I bet if you looked back at that moment in time, you had a very good reason NOT to get one. Just because events have turned out differently, doesn’t make your initial assessment any the less valid.
3. You accept that, because of items 1 and 2, life doesn’t always go to plan…and we have to make the best of what we have been dealt with. There is no alternative.

You won’t come to these understandings immediately, but over time, if you are persistent, you can change your beliefs. And it is your beliefs that will dictate how you react to everything the world throws at you.

Good luck in your journey….if you choose to take it.