gosh i really hope someone can answer you. because i sadly do not have the answers…yet.

my husband left 6 months ago. the pain is oftentimes unbearable still and the anger i hold over him for doing this to me…i have never felt more powerless and hurt. it made me question myself, my resilience, my strength, my worth as a person. he left me, stole money, abandoned me in his country with no friends or family (we had left our home overseas to move here) and then within 2 months, he was gone. he didn’t stand by me as i struggled to settle and find my feet here. i will never understand, and as much as i want to, people keep telling me i need to let go…and not try to understand.

I’ve been in therapy for 6 months and I’ve learned so much about myself, the role i played and who i want to be. BUT, it STILL hurts. I am still angry. And i get it! I really do – hanging on to the anger is damaging. Im holding myself prisoner. I’m hurting me, not him. but how th hell do you let go? If anyone has these answers, id gladly hear them. I’ve done it all…read inspiring books by strong, wonderful women who have overcome betrayal and had it much worse than i, I’ve had ‘letting go ceremonies’, I’ve faced this divorce with grace and dignity and held my head up and fought for things i know i am owed. I have no let him crush me. But i am stuck in this crazy 8 pattern where i feel so angry and helpless and then the depression comes. I then get fed up of the depression and get angry but then it continues. it’s awful. this has been the single most painful event of my life, too…i get it. I really do. I had given up my career for this man and I’m still unemployed. I can’t deny my depression and lack of support has crushed my confidence in my ability to do anything…..i have contemplated suicide because i didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. I still struggle with the suicidal ideation at times, and i wrk on this. I wish i could return to my country (complicated visa restrictions and a loooooooong story) but i can’t..so I’m stuck in this country with no one. I dont have the energy or the motivation to meet new people. to start over. I’ve convinced myself I’m unemployable.

and yet, i find myself thinking about how happy he is. with his new piece on the side he left me for. happy to have gotten rid of me…while i sacrificed..compromised EVERYTHING for this man and i am stuck.

so..yes, HOW DOES ONE GET BEYOND IT? because I’m sure as shit I’ve tried it all. I’m fucking tired quite frankly…so i get it. i get it. i really do. I can’t imagine ever finding joy, peace in life. that’s the bit that bothers me the most…knowing that in some way, i wasn’t good enough for my husband. even though he told me and convinced me i was…so he was content for me to give up everything. and then when he got home, got everything he wanted…SEE YA. I feel SO beatrayed. so, so deeply. the pain runs deep and i wish more than anything i was a strong, confident woman who could walk away, head held high and say “He didn’t deserve me and i deserve better than this!”. but I’m not. I’m weak. and quit frankly i don’t see how ill ever recover and not be bitter and twisted. EVEN THOUGH i know that outcome will just prolong the pain…

how do you let go? seriously? beyond telling myself, day, after day, after day…LET GO, KATE! He’s a small blip on your journey! i shared my life, travelled the world, compromised, loved him and supported him when he went through his darkest days and suddenly….bam. How do you ever learn to trust again? Im 34 and i can’t see a way out. i really can’t.

sorry i hijacked this, but i need answers too. i am desperate.

Courtney and Kate
I think when we fall in love and get married with someone we automatically expect that the words *till death do us part* have meaning. After all, you fell in love with him for many reasons, and probably the most important was that you knew deep in your soul, each of you would be there for each other no matter what. Once or maybe twice in a lifetime we get lucky enough to find someone like this but when we realize we may have been wrong about them, it not only hurts because your losing all your hopes and dreams but maybe just as difficult to cope with is feeling like your soul was fooled, the part of you which lights up inside of you. This leaves you second guessing every intuition, feeling, or belief you have now, or in the past.
Till death do us part means something different to some people. Maybe it should be changed to ” till death, or something I can’t handle because it is too hard, do us part.
He loves you, but he loves himself more. This is the way it should be. We have to love ourselves more than anyone else, this is what enables us to have the capacity to give everything to our husband/ wife, when they get sick mentally or physically, when they need us the most.
I’ve been through this. I stayed until death do us part, and in 2007 she left this world. I feel like it’s what everyone is suppose to do, I’m not special or deserve a medal of courage, it’s just what we do as human beings.
Everything does happen for a reason, I firmly believe that. Your reason will appear soon enough. You deserve happiness, real happiness but sometimes you gotta shovel the shit out of the way to actually see it. Trust in yourself. RJ