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Guilt of actions is too much

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  • #68663
    John
    Participant

    I have been with my current girlfriend for over a year and a half now. We had recently been doing long distance for the last year. She recently moved back to New York to be closer to me. I love this girl with everything I have and I cannot imagine my life with anyone but her.

    Over the summer, I went on a work trip. During that week, I met another girl and had been texting her over that week. My girlfriend and I were not speaking for most of that time because she was working so much and was too busy. I felt unwanted which is no excuse. Over two or three drunk nights, the other girl and I had texted and I crossed the line with some things I said/responded to. Honestly, the whole week was a blur and I cannot remember what was said.

    At first, I saw it as not a big deal because I didn’t cheat on her physically and I learned my lesson that my girlfriend is the one for me and I made a mistake. But recently, it has been eating me up so much because my girlfriend thinks I am the best boyfriend but I am living with this secret. I recently told her about the mistake I made and we are working past it. But I cannot get over it. It makes me sick just thinking that cheating on her crossed my mind.

    Just looking for suggestions on how I myself can move past this? Those actions were completely out of character for me and I cannot forgive myself for the hurt I have put on my girlfriend. Do I even deserve her? Or is she better off without me? (Simply venting/looking for advice).

    #68664
    Anne
    Participant

    It’s interesting that this has only resurfaced just now. Is there anything else going on in your life that might be causing you pain?

    #68667
    Kat
    Participant

    John,

    First thing’s first, long distance relationships can be quite challenging, especially when you weren’t always physically distant from one another to begin with. However, from my personal experience with long distance relationships, they can be incredibly strengthening in both an emotional and mental sense depending on the circumstances. Therefore, I think it’s best if you simply take a step back, breathe, and address the issue here, which in this case just so happens to be guilt.

    Now, I completely understand why you’re feeling upset about all of this, but please remember that in order to overcome any obstacle in life, we must discover the root of the problem and act upon it. As we all know, however, it’s way easier said than done. If you could please give us more information regarding you, your girlfriend, and your relationship overall, I may be able to provide you with more helpful and relevant feedback.

    On a whole other note, you’re one step ahead of the game in that you’ve already addressed that there is a predicament here and you’re seeking some beneficial advice so that you no longer are forced to feel guilty. Not to mention, you stirred up just enough courage to come clean to your girlfriend and confess your wrongdoing. For that alone, I give you my sincere respect.

    If you truly love your girlfriend, though, which I’m assuming that you do, try to focus on bettering yourself rather than feeling down in the dumps. Yes, knowing that we’re the cause of our significant other’s hurt can be rather difficult, but these kind of things happen from time to time. We’re only human after all, and making mistakes is just something that runs through our blood. What some people don’t tend to understand, though, is that learning from our mistakes actually makes us grow. Always remember that you’re bound to mess up every now and then, but if you just try to put a little bit of faith in yourself, you can change the end result of the entire situation.

    Some people feel more at ease with the situation and themselves when they jot down what they’re feeling on paper. Either way, it’s essential that you find a way to release that bottled up negative energy inside you. You could even write a handwritten letter to her expressing both your sorrow and love for her (many women of all ages love that sort of thing!). That way, you’d be able to express yourself and it would more than likely bring a smile onto her face.

    Basically, instead of giving your faults the ability to make you frail, allow them to do the exact opposite. You can empower yourself by addressing the mistakes you make as a part of life’s many learning lessons. After all, life’s a prize and shouldn’t be wasted worrying about what you did wrong, but rather what you did wrong and how you later on it made it right.

    Good luck! 🙂

    #68689
    Vhanon
    Participant

    Hi John,

    I’ll add a bit to Kat’s advice.

    When you think you did a mistake, you can always correct it, by spending some effort. If you made your girlfriend suffer, what would be a better solution than actually making her happier than what you would normally do? Erase the pain with good feelings. Kat’s idea about the letter is good, that will show to your girlfriend that you are very sorry and that she can trust that you will not do that again. Maybe, if you and your girlfriend think that it is not enough, you may also ask her how you can make up for what you did. Spend some effort on an errand for her, help her with a part of her job, let her relief and gratefulness be the remedy to her sorrow and let the discomfort you’ll feel be the proof to both her and you that you will not do that again.

    If you think you committed a sin, repent and propose to yourself to never do that again and spend some effort to do something good, to show you actually repented.

    One more thing. If she tells you that things are ok, that she forgave you and she trusts you again, please believe her. Don’t blame yourself, she accepted you the way you are, with that mistake and all other defects. Just be ready to show her you are worthy of her trust, by not falling in the same mistake again. “Erring is humane, persevering is malefic”.

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