In my opinion there is nothing like a failed relationship to give you perspective on where you are currently with regards to gaining truth and understanding on one’s self. At 33 years of age, I just ended a seven month relationship, it’s been over for a week now, I’ve been battling the usual emotions, the flights of fancy, memories, regrets, all of the things that we need to acknowledge to heal. I even have a good idea of who the other person was and why it would never work, and why it didn’t.

But I had no idea of who I was until this happened, which is the important part.

My relationship before this last one was a 4 month relationship with a wonderful woman. Not cliché wonderful, but real talk wonderful. Beautiful heart, easy to make laugh, independent, sweet. Would do anything for you…what I held against her was looks. She wasn’t as pretty as I thought she should be. Only now does that affirmation make me feel sadness for how I treated her. After 4 months, after me being the prince charming and claiming love, I called her on the phone, said my feelings had changed, and basically exxed her out of my life. I have never considered myself shallow so I leaned on my history of thinking I had a right to the ‘laws of attraction’, and I dumped a perfectly good woman because of it.

My next relationship, the one that just ended, was the exact opposite.
She was the prettiest girl I’ve ever dated, had the nicest figure, had a crush on me…..The pre-requisites for success this time around had been met.

It was the worst relationship I’ve ever had. Somewhere In the last 33 years I’ve been slowly becoming a decent person. It has taken some time. I will do anything for people I truly care about. Ten years ago I didn’t know what another person was. Today I’m letting a best friend live with me for free while she works through her own relationship troubles. I like being a dependable adult, being someone to be relied on.

The woman in question never asked me to have a backbone. She preferred to setup each date, road trips, dinners. She showed off her lavish lifestyle, all her high profile friends, family connections. Bragged about her taste in music, clothes, everything. She saw herself as a player, someone men could never totally forget, yet she hated to see her exes with new people. She had an ego the size of the moon.

I didn’t realize how simple I have become until I realized I didn’t care about any of these things. None of this impressed me. Offhandedly hearing about other men made me angry, it seemed excessive at time. I started to understand that this was a day to day person, so I rebelled and starting asking for more of a long term goal. It set her off like a starter pistol. Suddenly I was encroaching on her independence, I was clingy, I had too many complaints. By the end of the 7 months, I was in love with who she should have been, not who she was. I ended it.

Here is what I learned:
My personal value system has changed. I can never judge a person simply by how they look again. This was a lesson learned the hard way. The words love to me, at this stage in my life, are just words. We are not entitled to other people, or to be satisfied all the time. We give and we receive. How much we need in return defines us. Right now I need too much to be an adequate partner to any woman. I’ve learned I have some fight in me, but the fact I stayed in a 7 month relationship, one that basically amounted to a museum tour, because of sex and how someone looked, scares me, also how I am willing to fall in love with an idea and not a person, scares me. It also made me realize that I have discarded some good people for silly reasons.

I feel more mature, but can admit there is a long way to go.
Thanks for listening.