Michael, I know just how you’re feeling … I’m 61 but am still in love with (and occasionally in touch with) my college boyfriend. I can’t drag myself out of bed to do anything but go to work; I can still feel that “pit of the stomach” feeling my friends and I called “The Horror” when I think about how I’ve wasted my life. In the past almost 40 years, I’ve been married, in a bunch of relationships, had a great career, etc., but as I approach 65, I feel compelled to continue to look 45 — which thankfully, I do — and to continue to stay in perfect physical shape so I can see him “one last time.” It’s EXHAUSTING and depressing; I’m not interested in dating anyone else, so I spend all my time alone (my friends are all married) working on not aging but not enjoying anything! To be honest with you, I’m considering retiring (when I can) in CA where he is, although I have NO interest in living there … I just feel as though I want to end my days being able to see him at least occasionally. He’s single, BTW. If I had had to see him every day with someone else right after we broke up, I’d still be in a psychiatric unit … rather than on anti-depressants for the past 36 years as I have been.

I’m sure knowing that this can go on so long is NOT what you want to hear, but maybe it WILL help you to hear that if I could possibly go back in time to when I was YOUR age I would know what to do. First, why did you suggest that she join the military? Did you kind of want to break the relationship off? Second, if you want to end up with any kind of relationship you MUST have as little to do with her as possible for now … don’t look at her FB page, and do your best to get transferred to a DIFFERENT place for basic training. You say ” I wasn’t that emotional towards her and that might have been my fault but I provided her encouragement, security and I made sure that she would always be taken care of and now I feel like that was all for naught.” You have to come to terms with the fact that SHE felt trapped … not secure. Also, she doesn’t need security from you right now; she’s fine … YOU need to give all your attention to YOURSELF. It’s hard not to feel as though you’ll never find “the one,” but trust someone with an MBA in marketing whose job it has been for over 20 years to read demographics! I told this to my brother when he was getting divorced a year ago, but he didn’t believe me and was miserable for the whopping ONE year it took him to get back into a committed relationship … seriously! ONE YEAR. There are more than twice as many men (especially the younger you are) than women; YOU will get to pick whomever you want in time; women will be chasing YOU! You’re entering an exciting career … don’t blow it over being needy and emotional … you’re not ME … you’re not a woman who grew up in the ’50’s to believe that she had to be a wife and a mother to be happy and fulfilled, so don’t fall into the trap I did! You may have loved her, but to her, you appeared needy … which you may have been at the time (I’m not trying to insult you; I’ve acted needy for 40 years, and it’s only driven him farther away.) … but you’re SO NOT NEEDY now! Stay away from her, don’t look for her pictures, make sure you don’t go to basic training with her, and enjoy your new career … the one thing that kept me from suicide from 25-61 has been how much I loved my job, and if I could get into the military at my advanced age, I’d do it! Enjoy your job, do things you like, give yourself some time, and I PROMISE you that you will ultimately find the mutually supportive, loving relationship you are looking for. My chances are gone … yours are not, so trust me when I tell you to take all that time YOU still have, and enjoy every day knowing with certainty that you WILL find what you’re looking for. It will work out for you … don’t despair.

Thanks … no, I’d never really end my life, and at this late date, what would be the point? If I could drag myself out of bed, my vice is going to the gym, and it serves the purpose of keeping me in shape. It sounds as though you’ve got a perfect understanding of what happened … you were trying to push her toward more self-sufficiency, and it worked; shows that you have a gift for understanding other people. It sucks that now you’re the one feeling terrible. Just remember what you know about her immaturity … she may appear to be doing great right now, but I hardly think she’s suddenly grown up: You are absolutely good enough … probably too good … and her being cold and showing no consideration is just further proof of how immature she still is. She probably enjoys what she sees as your being jealous, even though you know that’s not what it really is. People always say they want to be friends … it’s just a way of not having to fight, and it leaves the door open for if they ever need you again. They tell you that because they know that’s what you want to hear. I really sympathize with your pain … I truly do, but instead of asking why you’re not good enough, keep telling yourself why SHE’S not good enough. She’s very immature and very unkind; she knows she’s hurting you but doing it anyway, like a child; she’s keeping you on the line with the “friends” thing. You know the old standby “It’s not you; it’s me?” Well, it’s not YOU; it’s HER. I know you feel betrayed; you did something nice for someone, and apparently it worked. In the long run, it’s best for you because you’re out of the relationship … I wish I could tell you how to get through the next months without pain, but only time is going to heal it … for now, since you mentioned it, I’d suggest doing something you love to do which helps you gain some peace … like yoga … maybe reading more … watching more movies … whatever YOU like to do that takes your mind off of things. Is there some volunteer work you could do during your free time? (Actually I just assumed you wouldn’t have much free time!) Anything to get out of your own head that will dull the pain. You really seem like a wonderful person … I hope others are giving you some better input than I am!