It hasn’t been easy getting to this spot, where I am surrendering the outcome of my “Love Life” to the Universe. I am finally here though, and this post is part of really putting this out there to the Universe, in tangible form.

Growing up, I always felt different, and somewhat defective in some aspects. Growing up in a rural part of the country, I always thought it was “not OK” to be gay, and didn’t even admit to myself that I was truly gay until I was 20 years old. I always had feelings for guys since a very early age, but didn’t know what that meant, all I knew was that I had to keep pushing those feelings down, and everything would be ok when I met the “right girl.”

When I finally came out to myself at 20, it was a huge relief to just say it to myself. Later when I was 21, I got insanely drunk one night and came out to the world. Probably the only good thing that ever came out of my drinking career.

When I first came out at 21, I felt like the world was a new place. I could be my authentic self in more ways than I had previously, and really be at ease with people knowing the real me. I have come to learn though, some of my defense mechanisms from my time before I came out were still at play, and blocking me from the flow of love in the Universe. I began dating guys left and right, losing myself in them, and losing who I was all over again. The way it manifested was just different – this time I just had to find the right guy and everything would be ok. Problem was, I was still broken.

This problem is still continuing to follow me, although now I do have more insight. I am now seeing how my seeking of the perfect relationship is just a way for me to fill in what some people call a “God sized gap” in myself. A gap that only God (Higher Power/Spirit of the Universe/Higher Self) can fill. I read a quote a few months ago by Rumi that basically said our task isn’t to seek for love, but to break down all the barriers we have against it.

I’ve been on a spiritual path the last few years which I stumbled onto due to my insane alcoholism that is another way I used to try to fill this “God sized gap” with. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and I found in some literature an idea that Love is what we already are. We don’t need to “find love” because that’s what we are already made of – pure, flowing, unconditional love. And there is no soul-mate. Simply someone who reflects your love back to you in a perfect way.

This approach is radically different than what I had been clinging to my whole life – that you somehow have to find somebody, and make them special, and Love them more than anything or anyone else in the world. The way Eckhart Tolle put it made perfect sense to me – the love that you have for a flower or a small puppy is the same love you have for your partner – your true essence – it just is in different levels of intensity.

So after I read all of that, I kind of came to the realization that the way I had been looking at relationships is intrinsically flawed and I’m probably screwed – but of course I continued to seek the comfort and solace that only a higher power can give me – in men and relationships. I have dated probably close to 15 people in the past year, and each guy seems to be exited to meet me, and same for him, then something somewhere just fizzles out, and it goes back into nothing.

I am at the point now that I am realizing – I have so many barriers up within myself against true love, I don’t even know where to begin. I have decided to stop seeking a “love relationship” and focus on ego deflating steps to break down barriers of love, and invite a higher power (whatever that is and whatever that looks like) into my life, and trying to be in synchronicity with this force. I’ve decided to focus on gratitude, and all the absolutely beautiful things that are in this life, and in my life, asking this force to guide me, to be present, and to help keep me sober another day. Those are the things that really matter.

I am asking this power to guide me in my life, and help fill this “God sized gap” that is still there wide open. If this force brings me to a love relationship, I believe it will be in right time, and I will have to be right sized, not full of egoic reasons to “make it work” and so will someone else. I also have been shown that I have no business being in a relationship unless that is based on God, and it is still in sync with what God would have me be.

So from this moment forward, I surrender my “love search” to the Universe, and I will no longer be seeking a “love relationship.” I will however be seeking Love in general, Love in myself, in a higher power, in everyone and everything around me. The rest is up to God.

Any personal experiences you might have with getting to this realization, and what you have learned would be valued.