I think this post could have been written by many people who search for meaning and a lasting loving relationship. Everything you described, aside from coming out, sounds a lot like my own struggles for different reasons. Trust isn’t something I learned about because of my own childhood which was filled with abuse. I had no idea how one loved others when I was having a hard time loving myself due to abandonment and emotional abuse.
It really sounds like you are on a wonderful path filled with finding yourself. Like attracts like and so when I became my authentic self and dealt with my childhood abuse, I became someone who was in love, in love with herself. I finally figured out that love isn’t so much a Feeling as actions that were relevant and present everyday. Actions spoke louder than words. The almost guys were preparing me for the just right guy who has been my rock and my partner for twenty years. Without all of those close but not exactly men, you would never be able to figure out who you are and what you need to do in order to feel whole, valued and connected. In other words, you wouldn’t be the man you are today. Searching and seeking with loving kindness is finding meaning in ourselves to share with another soul. Thanks for sharing your story.