Hi all,
I have been working hard for most of this year to improve myself as a person and discover who I really am. It’s a long tough road and whilst I know I have made a lot of gains, I still feel like I am a long way off where I think I need to get to to begin to start my real life.
I was in a relationship for 5-6 years of which is now over. She was and whilst we don’t talk to each other, still would be considered my best friend. We both have our issues of which I am working hard to address mine.
I have been hiding from the world for most of my life and living with no confidence in myself as a person, low self esteem, anxiety constantly, sadness about where my life is at and they all seem to build off each other and make every day a struggle.

Working hard to show compassion for myself, be grateful for things I do have, accept how life is at the moment and showing a high level of awareness about what is going on in my mind have been great help to get me moving in the right direction, however my body still generates its automatic responses to situations and feelings based on a long past of being a certain way.
I am sad. I miss my best friend. The first few months were horrible and she started seeing someone else, somehow I survived this emotionally and cut her off completely. As far as I know, she is no longer with that person and I think she realised that she got into it too early. I began to start to feel ok and my self development continued thanks to this site, pathway to happiness and more recently, power vs force.

But in the past month, ive been the void of missing her come back in a way that I havnt felt for a few months. It feels like im gone backwards and I come up with horrible negative thoughts in my head about things. Much of my angst comes from feeling like I don’t mean anything to her or anyone. Like our mutual friends don’t care about me anymore and that she is totally fine and doesn’t care about me. My brain mostly knows that this is not true however detaching from these feelings and thoughts is a lot easier said than done.

I have tried seeing other girls but my heart is just not in it, I have many opportunities to move on but im stuck. I hate my job but am scared to do anything about it, I don’t know how to spend time on working out what I want to do for work and I simply cannot come up with anything that I can confidently say I want to do. I just don’t have any motivation for work or much at all really and that makes me more anxious and upset.
I cannot make decisions about my future because I don’t have any self esteem or belief in myself, this makes me anxious and sad and deflect from spending time trying to figure things out, and even if I do spend time I don’t figure anything out and I feel dejected and it’s a vicious cycle between it all.
I am working extremely hard on changing my stories in my head, how I react to things and letting the world be without trying to control it. I am so hard on myself. My judge inside my head is so strong that though I am completely aware of how it is working, the stories it comes up with and I am living in a pretty high level of consciousness about all my issues and feelings and worries and everything, I still am stuck in their traps.

I feel hopeless and desperate. I have come a long way but this next step feels like a roadblock. I want to believe in myself, I want to know whether my feelings for my ex are meant to be or whether they are because I am so insecure about myself. What is real? What isn’t? how do I start to find these answers? What should I focus on first? I want to cry so much but when I directly try and let myself do it, it doesn’t quite feel like im letting everything into it.

Obviously this is just an extract and a moment in time feeling of where I am. In the past couple months, ive also had moments where I felt actually pure happiness in itself. It wasn’t for long and it wasn’t necessarily for any specific reason. I think just consciously trying to hope for the best for everything and everyone has allowed me to feel these moments. These are the glimpses of my progress, but I still feel very scrambled. The ex and work being the primary factors that I just cant seem to find answers for.
Thanks for reading. Would love to hear some thoughts or even just a bit of support because I feel very much alone with all of this.
Ryan