What would you do?

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This topic has 17 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 3 months ago by Will.

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August 8, 2014 at 1:57 pm #62893

Cyd
Participant

If you have very strong feelings for someone and they know you love them but they do not feel the same way, would you settle and continue to try and be there as a friend and suppress your feelings or would you leave? Knowing that no matter how hard you try you would never be able to convince them to be in a relationship with you or give you the love you give them.

August 8, 2014 at 6:08 pm #62906

didi2136
Participant

If you really feel a conection with this person, you shouldn’t give up. It took a year to my actual boyfriend get out of friend zone. Only you know what to do. Be patience and you will have the answers you need.

August 8, 2014 at 6:19 pm #62907

Big blue
Participant

Hi Cyd,

This is a very tough question. It depends on your emotional strength. Can you keep you boat steady? Do you want to? didi2136 is an inspiration. I don’t know if I could show patience like this – I tend to let passions rule for good or bad. I am working on this. I’m interested in this thread. Just re-reading your post, though, could you allow that say in a year or two they might come around?

Big blue

August 8, 2014 at 8:27 pm #62916

Cyd
Participant

Hey Everyone, Thanks for the posts so far. Didi2136, I agree with you about having patience even though that is kinda tough to do. Big Blue, I honestly feel like I would not be able to wait around for 2 more years. I have been through a lot in life and I’m very emotionally strong but it can get tiring. It already has been about 2 and a half years. They have been in relationship after relationship and I have tried to be there for them as a friend during these times and I became extremely jealous and somewhat insecure as if my place in their life was fading and they had no use for me. Obviously my expectations and desire for them was being seen through a “relationship” type of lens versus a “friendship” perspective and that is what led to these disagreements. Although I have always remained hopeful that I could love for the both of us but in reality it only leads to me being drained. I feel it is best to move on and not torture or trick myself in to believing I could change their feelings. This kinda borders on the idea of unrequited love so it seems. Interested in seeing you and others feedback on this! 🙂
Cyd

August 9, 2014 at 8:51 am #62932

Matt
Participant

Cyd,

There is a difference between having loving kindness in the heart for someone, and romantically yearning for them. You’re welcome to keep that romantic affection aimed at her, but it may never blossom on her side, may never come back. When we find a partner that shares our yearning, does aim toward us, the energy isn’t draining, its uplifting. If she knows, and isn’t ready or interested, how long does your heart wish to wait and see? There are lots of people that would be interested in growing closer with you, but when you hold her so closely, there’s no room for them. Its up to you what you wish to do. Is she worth it?

As a friend, is she giving? Does she make space to hear your stories, give you hugs, laugh alongside your jokes? She could be unintentionally feeding your “attentive eye” if you two stay on her side most of the time. Like, she let’s you come over and weed her garden for her, help her wash her feet, but then stands up and walks away, back to what she finds important, alluring… forgetting/ignoring “giving back”.

Said differently, its plausible that your romantic feelings are leaving you drained, just a lot of hope and dreaming trying to pause. Its also plausible that you’re feeling drained because she’s letting you bathe her in tenderness, then sending you on your way. If that’s the case,consider cutting the ties, little by little, and turn that tenderness on your own home, that’s where its needed. That’s where you’ll have the strength, energy, and self respect to find a friend/partner that gives back.

With warmth,
Matt

August 9, 2014 at 1:08 pm #62955

Big blue
Participant

Hi again Cyd,

Yes based on your reply, I agree with you and with Matt. Better to ease out on good terms and focus on yourself, then open up to the universe.

All the best to you!

Big blue

August 10, 2014 at 12:12 pm #62991

popi
Participant

would you settle and continue to try and be there as a friend and suppress your feelings or would you leave?

No,not definitely.
If they don’t feel the same way,the don’t deserve my love.It’s very simple.
When you give you are expecting to take. 🙂

August 11, 2014 at 5:47 am #63070

Will
Participant

No.

It is very hard work to be “just friends” with someone you want to be “more than friends” with, and it rarely leaves you better off in the end. You will always have the low ground in any interaction, you will always want more from them than they are able to give you. It’s not fair on you and it’s not fair on them. Rarely, the longed-for “friend” in this situation has a change of heart, but the odds are against you and what are you missing out on while you pine for them?

Cut ties. Mourn what never was, then pick yourself up and find someone who wants you, too.

August 11, 2014 at 6:23 pm #63127

Cyd
Participant

Thanks Popi and Will for your thoughts on this! 🙂 I will start my journey of releasing her and whatever our friendship was knowing that she could never love me the way I do her.

August 11, 2014 at 7:26 pm #63130
Big blue
Participant
Hi Cyd,

Over the past couple years, did you date or have a girlfriend?

My guess is that when you go on some dates, she will see you differently. Also, you MAY have fun going out and doing things.

Ladies please weigh in on this…. If she does not notice your newfound activities I’d be surprised, so she MAY be puzzling. If down the road she starts treating you like she is interested, you MAY explore that with her. But, a reframing would put your focus not on releasing her as much as going ahead just on new experiences and to have fun.

Big blue

PS: part of me says to rent out a baseball stadium sign and say “Zelda – You are by far the groovy-est chick in the ballpark!” But I’d wait until she shows interest.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Big blue.
August 12, 2014 at 4:29 am #63164

Will
Participant

Big blue, speaking as a lady (the name’s confusing, I know. Sorry.) I would be happy if my friend started dating. Happy for them. Especially if I knew they kind of carried a flame for me maybe, because it would mean they’d finally be getting over that and things would be less awkward between us. (Except, speaking from experience, things would probably never really stop being slightly awkward. These days, I’d probably increase the distance myself because these kinds of friendships are wrought with drama and hurt feelings all around.)

So yes, I would notice. I would notice and be relieved.

It seems to me you’re suggesting Cyd can manipulate her into loving him or at least being jealous by finding someone to date. At the same time, he can deceive himself into believing he’s really into it for the ‘new experiences’ and ‘fun’ he’ll be having on these pretend dates, while not actually letting her go. It would actually be all about her. And if she shows a glimmer of interest, the next step is obviously some grand, public gesture which would embarrass her into agreeing to date him.

Darling, that’s terrible advice. Start to finish. You can’t manipulate someone into loving you. Trying to make someone jealous is middle school bullshit. And what about the other ‘fun dates’ he’d be using in this way? They’re probably looking for someone who’s, you know, legitimately available. Not nice. Hanging out with a friend who only wants to be friends in the hope they’ll see what a wonderful lover you’d make is a game that can only end in tears. As for the stadium? Words fail me.

No. Sit down.

And have a cup of tea. I know you mean well, and just because I disagree with your approach to the situation doesn’t mean I think you’re a bad person or wrong about everything. Just this thing. All my best wishes.

August 12, 2014 at 10:52 am #63198

Kelsi
Participant

Hi Cyd,

I’ve been in your position on more than one occasion; I just recently dealt with having to let someone go (and still in the process) because they could not reciprocate mutual feelings & desires.

These experiences have taught me to walk away. I feel that holding on to something so tightly can actually make you lose grip of it all together. If you are truly meant to be with someone, both individuals would make an effort to grow and learn together. You can certainly wait and see how everything turns out in the end, but by doing so you are also missing out on other opportunities (other women) right in front of you.

If someone can not see your worth and value and all that you have to offer, that is about the time you should walk away. It’s okay to remain as friends with a platonic relationship as long as it doesn’t hurt you by remaining in contact with her, but if she does not wish to have an intimate or romantic relationship, respect her wishes.

You deserve to be as happy as anyone else so go out there and keep looking!

The only reason I say this is because in my past I was infatuated with this guy who just couldn’t see us together after awhile. I held onto hope, thinking maybe we could have another chance in the future. He ended up dating someone for 3 years after me, and within that 3 year span I was desperate for his affection and love again. I wanted to be with him so badly because I had this illusion that some day we would get together again. Expectations are not good to hold onto. Sometimes you need to be realistic.

But who knows, maybe somewhere down the road she will change her mind about you and fate will bring you two together. But for now, focus on other things, getting to know other women, and just be content with yourself and life!

August 12, 2014 at 3:43 pm #63227

Big blue
Participant

Hi Will,

You make a lot if great points, thank you! I’ll have an iced coffee and think more about this. My language choices must have been poor because I think we’re in general agreement.

Big blue

August 13, 2014 at 4:27 pm #63315

Cyd
Participant

Thanks everyone for the continued feedback! Will, I do agree with the idea of not being able to manipulate someone in to loving you. Personally I wouldn’t want to have to force someone to be with me because I know they wouldn’t be happy and that would negate the whole purpose of being together because I would want both of us to be happy. In my case, both of us may be happy without each other. I do not even think I will miss her friendship that much anyway being that I had deep feelings for her so I didn’t really consider her a friend but more than a friend if that makes sense. I know that when I eventually find someone or get over my feelings for her she may be more open to finding out what is going on in my life which makes for nothing more than a confidence boost for me lol
Kelsi, I agree that both people should be willing to make an effort if the relationship is what each party truly wants. After all, people will make time for what they are interested in. Also, I tended to shut off myself to other people and getting to enjoy other people’s presence and what they had to offer me because I only wanted her and believed no one could’ve made me feel the way she did. I am definitely going to spend time away from her and try to see what life is like without her for a while. No use in trying to force something that wont happen. 🙂

August 13, 2014 at 5:44 pm #63321

Maureen
Participant

My first thought is there is someone out there that wants a chance with you, Why would you deny yourself that?
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