Home→Forums→Relationships→Are there times to stay away?
- This topic has 19 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 3 months ago by Big blue.
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July 20, 2014 at 6:52 am #61295Big blueParticipant
Hi friends,
I have a question to ask: are there times when it makes sense to stay away even if you really like (or like like lol) someone?
For example, the saying: friends, lovers or nothing. Yes I’m referring to the nothing choice. In my life I’ve had nothing a couple times. I don’t recommend this situation – it’s one you find yourself in. It’s heart breaking. It’s emotional.
One example was a much younger woman years ago. We had tremendous synergy when we saw each other in group settings. But, I could not deal with the big age difference. It seemed wrong to me. I really liked her and I am sure it was mutual. So, nothing. This took me months to get over. I picked a petty reason to be mad at her and avoided her. I think I could have been more compassionate, but for some reason maybe my sanity I shunned her. Was I being immature or avoidant? I think so. I did apologize to her at one point and she really seemed to feel good that I talked with her.
Years downstream after a three-year relationship with another woman, now I have another nothing situation in flight. What do I do? This is a like like mutually I think, but we had a bad start. She told me to stay away then, but I think it was just because of the situation. I’m not sure, therefore nothing.
Thank you ahead of time.
Big blue
July 20, 2014 at 7:28 am #61302MattParticipantBig Blue,
Do you not have a break pedal? Its all or nothing? Can you take a taste, share a dance, and see where it goes? It seems that as your heart gets intrigued, your mind starts running in all sorts of “what if” fantasies. Can you set that aside? That’s where the freedom rests… not in avoiding or grasping at her. If you go on a date, be there. If you’re not on a date, be where you are, do your do, set down the future possibilities and tend your life, be present, clean the dishes, carry the water, chop the wood.
BB, it seems like you’re scared of your feelings, which is normal because they can be painful sometimes. If you both share interests, go enjoy some together if she’s interested. You can’t predict the outcome, and trying to dream up other people’s responses is a waste, and trying comes from fear. They’re not us, don’t act like us, so if we want to know their side, we have to talk to them about it. Said differently, how many conversations have you had with her in your head? Is it surprising that her responses sound like your own fears?
With warmth,
MattJuly 20, 2014 at 7:59 am #61306Big blueParticipantThank you Matt.
Exactly what I needed to hear. Sending a brother hug your way!
Now let’s see how this bull does in the china shop. I’m dancing lightly like a butterfly on my hooves!
🙂
Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Big blue.
July 20, 2014 at 9:24 am #61310MattParticipantChina is overrated, give me a wooden bowl any day? Or, smash it up, make a mosaic from the pieces? 🙂 Both seem fitting. Warmth to you, friend.
July 20, 2014 at 9:57 am #61312Big blueParticipantHi Matt,
So far so good. The reframing of perspective is settling in.
Thanks again!
Big blue
July 20, 2014 at 1:24 pm #61322MichaelParticipant@BigBlue..I have asked myself the same question many times. I too was involved in a relationship with someone much younger than myself, and honestly it was never an issue aside from providing some awkward moments for sales associates referring to me as my girlfriend’s father..the age difference was never an issue, at least so i thought. She recently ended the relationship of three years simply by texting her feelings had changed…I know since we both work at the same business it will be extremely difficult for me to see her, the first time we ran into each other she didn’t say hello, even though we were the only two in the hallway. To have shared every thought, every hope and dream of the future with someone and then have them pass you in the hall without even a hello is more than difficult-I know I will have to leave. But to sort of answer your question and the eternal question is it better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all, right now I would have to say I would rather never have loved as I loved her-while I wouldn’t know what life really could be, I also wouldn’t know how painful it can be, how it feels to lose everything and have your heart ripped from your chest. it’s really kind of funny, many of my past relationships have said I had a heart of stone, but it was really just armour built up over the years of seeing the true horrors of the world, what mankind is capable of doing to each other, of how man can behave, and on a personal level, how love can fail. So when I allowed that armour to be torn away and exposed my heart, I felt things I had never felt before…I allowed my heart to imagine a life with this woman, a future together….and now, after opening my heart, my heart is now empty, I have nothing left to give. I don’t want another relationship, even if she were to somehow change her mind.
July 20, 2014 at 2:29 pm #61325Big blueParticipantHi Michael,
Clearly we are all unique and worthy.
Time is what you need now. When my wife decided to end our marraige, I was in terrible shape for a few years. It probably did not help that I waited to date until the divorce was final – 3 years – but it’s what felt right.
As Matt pointed out, it’s been my fears that have kept me from being my normal self. We all need to work through things our own way. I find it very helpful to get and give advice here.
Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Big blue.
July 21, 2014 at 7:00 am #61388The RuminantParticipantI think I might need to print out Matt’s response and read it every day 🙂
I am exhausted wondering about one person in my life and whether or not it’s something or nothing and is it going somewhere or never going anywhere. The good thing is that the exhaustion is starting to overthrow the fear and desire to control and it’s becoming easier to let go. Also the pain caused by the situation kind of drives me to be more present in my own life, as it’s much more pleasurable than wondering about the “what ifs”.
The most difficult aspect has been the idea of “do I reserve a place for them next to me, and if so, for how long?” But I suppose life is dynamic and if someone else swoops in and I like them enough, then why wait for something that might never happen? I have made my own feelings clear, so there ought to be no regrets. Why hold onto something and prevent progress and the possibility of dreams coming true in a way that I can not see right now?
…and sorry. I realise that wasn’t helpful 🙂 I was just…erm…ruminating!
July 21, 2014 at 10:29 am #61403Big blueParticipantHi The Ruminant,
Wow! Did you write my story on purpose?! You captured it exactly! I know what this is about for you. I feel better hearing your story.
Thank you!
Big blue
July 21, 2014 at 10:54 am #61407The RuminantParticipantI didn’t 🙂 I even left out the facts about three years and me occasionally telling him to keep his distance 🙂
Anyway, something that I’ve wondered during the past couple of days was that sometimes you end up holding onto something, whilst dreaming about a specific type of future. Then something happens and you have to let go, it hurts a lot, but then somehow things turn out in a way where your dream actually comes true. Just not the way you expected it would.
So I’m thinking that I’m holding onto this one person because I think that they are the person I’ve waited for my entire life, and I’m too scared to let go, because I don’t want to lose them. But what if I’m blocking something else happening because of my tunnel vision? Or, what if he is “The One”, but me holding onto him is making things difficult and if I were to let go, things might be able to progress more naturally and we even might end up together?
I have this one book titled (roughly translated into English) “you get what you let go of”. What if that’s true? What if holding on is only making it more difficult for the right thing to happen?
July 21, 2014 at 2:38 pm #61431MDParticipantSo I’m thinking that I’m holding onto this one person because I think that they are the person I’ve waited for my entire life, and I’m too scared to let go, because I don’t want to lose them. But what if I’m blocking something else happening because of my tunnel vision? Or, what if he is “The One”, but me holding onto him is making things difficult and if I were to let go, things might be able to progress more naturally and we even might end up together?
I am right smack in this same situation. I think, in my case, that I think too much and I try to control WAY too much.
I’ve also been thorough Big Blue’s “all or nothing” approach. I finally realized that the reason I felt “nothing” was in order was because not having what *I* wanted/ expected in the relationship hurt too much. I was scared to accept what was in front of me and to just let things flow naturally.
It’s a hard lesson to learn and one I’m still working on.
July 21, 2014 at 4:16 pm #61441Big blueParticipantHi MD,
Thank you good point about my thinking. It was more clear cut in the case with the large age difference, at least for me. The current case is where I am dithering. You got me thinking.
The Ruminant you also got me thinking about who I might meet if I open up more. I know I need to be out trying dating with more than one woman – as someone advised someone else on the site a while back.
Thanks!
Big blue
July 23, 2014 at 5:26 am #61564Big blueParticipantHi all,
I talked with her. Just hello how have you been you look awesome.
Big blue
PS: 🙂
PPS: I know the awesome part was pushing it but it’s the truth. I am doing better….
July 23, 2014 at 5:33 am #61567The RuminantParticipantLook at you, beaming 🙂
July 23, 2014 at 7:31 am #61574Big blueParticipant🙂
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