Adding on… I always do this, thinking of things later.

I keep thinking the reason I’m emotionally a complete and total wreck, crying for what feels like no reason, sometimes for days at a time, is because I’m in some sort of mourning for the years I’ve lost, for everything I shut out, for what feels like lost humanity I now have to figure out how to navigate again.

But here’s the thing — I’ve suffered from severe depression since I was ten years old, and one of my most effective coping mechanisms was to remind myself that emotions are all brain chemistry. That they don’t matter. That they’re best off ignored completely, taken for the meaningless chemical state they are, even if they are responses to what we think and what happens to us. Essentially, everything subjective is ridiculous, and only fact matters.

It’s very inhuman, I know, but it kept me from giving in to suicidal ideas.

If emotions don’t matter, they can’t drive me to end my life.

I seem to be of two (or more) minds about everything. Emotions don’t matter. But now that I’ve regained (and am still regaining) so much of what makes me ‘human,’ I feel … irrational. Emotional. Like the difference between Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk.

My mind is always racing, zipping back and forth between all my conflicting beliefs.

I need to figure out who I am.

I need to find out if I could really make life better — my health, my messed up family situation, a stressful, terrible job, my own mental state.

I am completely lost, and at square one.

Maybe it’s a good thing.

I don’t know.

I tried to communicate effectively today, which has always been hard for me. My father is bipolar, my mother is simply mean, and whenever I said something as a child that wasn’t acceptable to them, or made a noise they didn’t feel like hearing at the time, I got hit. I learned not to speak up for myself. I withdrew. I have a hard time making eye contact, or even feeling like I deserve to inhabit the space I stand in and the air I breathe.

So today, because I want to make a change, I took my frustration to work and sat down with my boss and said, ‘Okay, I know I have poor communication skills, but I’m working on it. I’m frustrated because ______, _______, and ______.’

She told me to relax, do the best I can and not stress out about getting everything done. She told me she’d heard from others that my lack of anything to say about anything had caused problems for them, and they thought I didn’t care about anything or was just an angry person (which I assumed, dimly, through my nicotine haze anyway).

For about an hour, I felt fantastic. I did it. I talked to someone about my frustrations. I was honest, I was vulnerable, I trusted another human being to hear me out and respond with kindness and understanding.

And then I realized — I still have too much work piled on me, none of my concerns were addressed in a way that actually gets the work done, and I feel stupid. I feel incredibly stupid. I feel like I’ve traded in the smart, cynical person I was before who saw the nastiness in everyone and the ways in which all they wanted to do was take advantage of me, for some idiot who says, ‘I’m flawed, and I know I need to work on it and try to improve the way I’m viewing this impossible situation I’m in, because I can’t actually cause any positive changes externally whatsoever.’

So I end tonight feeling depressed and angry, and as if I’ve completely betrayed myself, and less like I know who I am or who I want to be than ever.

C, I am aware that PMDD is a root cause of many of my problems, as I’ve been suffering from it since I was ten. I’ve made the choice not to take pills, but (with the confidence I gained from quitting smoking cold turkey that such things are possible) to turn it around and, if I can’t stop suffering from it myself, to change my thinking and behavior in such a way that no one outside of myself has to feel its negative effects.

The basis for my suffering is definitely depression, and feelings of hopelessness which continually lead me into ruts in which I can’t accomplish anything or even see how it could be done.

So the reason for my original post was to explore my confusion due to coming out of this, to having more emotions than I had before due to quitting smoking — another reason I don’t want to take drugs, it was the nicotine that so twisted my brain that I’m having to learn how to live with my own consciousness.

I’m trying, now, to be positive and change my thinking, so the root of my problems is no longer my depression (thank whatever deity is appropriate (or not)), but my confusion in the aftermath of that depression (and, yes, my fear of falling into it again).

I have a lot of questions now, about how to become a really positive, stable person (or whether stability in positivity is even possible). I am constantly having to remind myself to go easy on myself, try to love myself and remember that I’m no good to myself or anyone else if I’m wallowing in pointless, subjective self-loathing rather than looking objectively at the present and what I can do to improve it, and, in so doing, improve the future. I imagine (those words are important, here) that I sound very mature and stable already, like I’ve actually already answered all my questions, but the truth is, I’m only doing my best and trying to go with what feels right.

Inside, most of the time, I am still a mess. I wonder if all I can achieve is to not let anyone know that. I wonder if it’s because of physical reasons, the results of nicotine having left my body, or whether emotionalism exists outside chemicals at all (factually, I don’t see how, but does THAT matter?). I’m riddled with questions and confusion, and I know I’m the only one who can decide on the answers, so I’m trying as hard as I can to find ones that satisfy me and will serve my life in a positive, constructive way.

I looked (again) at Buddhism, which did help in ways, but when I got to the parts that feel (to me) more like every other religion, condemning you to a life spent tethered to the things you did in the past, ensuring that one day you’ll be horribly judged, I just felt worse. I had to remind myself that I believe those parts to be fantasy, metaphor, not fact.

What I keep coming back to, trying to center myself on, are these things, cobbled together from systems of belief and thoughts I’ve had and found:

I need to improve my self-esteem until it is real self-esteem, dependent on no external sources. Until I really do love myself, stand up for myself, believe in myself, and can therefore do those things for others effectively and routinely.

Having done this, I can possibly maintain a high level of emotional intelligence that would allow me to control my emotions in a way that would serve my life and the lives of those around me, so that my depression never gets so out of control that it hurts me and others again. So that I might actually be able to live in real happiness for more than a moment.

To find that happiness, I need to always strive for something helpful and productive, so that I have something to feel good about. I also need to remember that there is no ‘end’ at which I will suddenly ‘find’ happiness, the point is to be happy now, just because I’m alive and working towards good things and care about myself and other people.

This all sounds well and good, until my brain starts in again. If I’m relaxed, I’ll make mistakes. I’ll forget things. I won’t perform as well. The stress is necessary, you can’t be happy all the time.

Then I’m afraid to be happy, but at the same time, in seeking to eliminate the negative emotions, I am now marginally afraid of feeling them at all, because it makes sense that they’re pointless.

But it seems as if some of them tether me to earth and keep me connected to other people, but maybe that’s just because the only people I know have always BEEN negative.

And then I realize that my quest for self-improvement may just be a whole new way for me to be too hard on myself.

I saw some interesting Eckhardt Tolle quotes here, so I looked him up, and I wish I hadn’t, to be honest.

Both of us twenty-nine at the time of a search for a solution that would eliminate emotional suffering, but I feel (please don’t take this as a judgment on your own personal beliefs, I could always be wrong) as if what he’s found is a kind of… nihilistic enlightenment that could be the source of a lot of power for anyone with less than decent intentions. Reading about it, working overnight and accidentally experiencing it for myself, I realized: his ‘stillness’ is a more intense version of my old coping mechanism for dealing with my inability to be happy. I would tell myself nothing matters. Nothing is really real. I don’t have to care about anything at all.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding his methods (I don’t think so, but I could be), but I see no joy in that.

The silver lining, there, is that it makes me feel a little better about my confusion in my own journey to be a better person.