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Am I afraid of happiness?

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • #59086
    Yellow
    Participant

    I’ve noticed an increasingly concerning pattern in myself. I am floundering in depression. Every time I seem to be making positive progress and feeling strong good energy, I binge on alcohol which makes me feel bad the next day, clouds my thinking, and numbs out the energy I was starting to feel. Why do I do this? Does anyone else do this?

    #59087
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I’ve done it. All I can think of as a reason, was that happiness was such an alien feeling, that it felt scary and uncomfortable. All I can think of as a solution is to suck it up when you feel happy and get used to it. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

    #59089
    Yellow
    Participant

    Thanks for sharing

    #59090
    Natasha
    Participant

    Self sabotage is pretty prevalent with people that had the rug pulled out from under them often as a child. For me, every time my parents ‘got back together and things were looking normal’ all of a sudden we were packing our bags in the middle of the night again – or dad was walking down the sidewalk with a suit case. It sucked. Soon I was sort of addicted to the choas and excitement of it all – and felt numb when things were normal and boring and needed to spice things up with self sabotage. Beyond that, I had no idea how to just ‘be’. I needed a distraction from myself and alcohol provided that – among other things of course, that was just one of the many ways I distracted me from me and stirred up some familiar chaos.

    I also had to live in a state of denial about how bad my childhood actually was in order to not just wander off from my parents – I couldn’t of course, I needed them to survive – so I became this person who constantly had to believe my own lies in order to survive. Over time, this bleed into every area of my life and soon it was all just a lie that I could not distinguish from the truth with out help. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, got some books on ACA (adult children of dysfunction) and started working on my stuff. I learned that it didn’t mean I was an adult in a child’s body – but rather – that I was an adult who met the challenges of life with survival skills learned as a child.

    Surviving my childhood was rough. Alcohol was a band aide that really hurt cuz it came ripping off every morning – never worked.

    So I feel ya –
    Best wishes,
    Tash

    #59096
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I pretty much have similar background to what Natasha posted. Sorry if my response sounded abrupt, but the reason I tried to be direct is that I’ve spent years trying to understand myself and why I do things. Whilst I’ve pretty much found the answers, that alone was not helpful. It still requires work and dedication to overcome the problems, and going outside of the comfort zone. Which is kind of ironic, because the comfort zone is nothing but comforting 🙂

    I’ve personally tackled being able to be happy by myself. Next stop: being happy within a relationship.

    #59098
    Yellow
    Participant

    The Ruminant, I did not take your post as abrupt. I agree, if I want to get myself out of this rut, I have to work at it; there is no magic formula. I am tired and I am full of contradicting thoughts and feelings. I liked what Natasha said about “…I was an adult who met the challenges of life with survival skills learned as a child”. That is true. My childhood was hard (I guess most people’s are) and I did not develop healthy coping skills or even learn to identify with my emotions. I kept everything suppressed so that on the outside everything looked fine. Not too happy and not too sad; No big emotions; No sharing of thoughts or feelings. I basically existed by being invisible. And I carried a lot of that into my adulthood. As a result, I have lived with depression throughout my almost 50 years of life. I don’t want to continue to feel empty, I want a lasting loving relationship, and I want to help others. Now I have to figure out what emotions are and how I can be comfortable with them. That takes work. And I am frustrated with my continual self-sabotage. I must suck it up and make it work if I truly want those things.

    #59101
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Yellow, I was going to recommend a book for you which helped me, but for some reason it’s sold out AND there is no Kindle version anymore. This is the second time that’s happened to Susan Anderson’s books, so it’s weird… Anyway, the concept is still explained here: http://outerchild.net/outer-child/books-blogs-overcoming-self-sabotage-and-abandonment-issues

    Also, I meant to say that our comfort zone is anything but comforting… 🙂

    #59106

    Hi, I go through periods where I feel an unending wave of confidence and happiness then it comes crashing down by something negative. What I found to work for me is that I work through my emotions in the rawest state as possible and find out why I do that. It helps to pinpoint the root of the problem. Take up writing. I suggest picking up a book by Eckhart Tolle as it helps me when I’m feeling down.

    #59114
    Natasha
    Participant

    I loved the books for adult children. It helps me to participate in a forum for others who grew up with the ACA rule ‘don’t talk, don’t feel’. If you identify with this, you might seek additional help from a meeting for adult children, where you can find a person to guide you through the process of working through your childhood – they are sometimes called ‘fellow travelers’ in the groups and meetings and forums. I participate in the MIP ACA forum and love it. I also LOVE this forum so far!
    Best wishes on your journey! xxox

    #59118
    Yellow
    Participant

    Thank you all. This has been very helpful. I’ve read thru the outer child and ACA information. Oh and Natasha, that was my childhood too!…dont talk, dont feel, and dont do anything out of the normal expected behaviour. It is going to take a lot of work, but I have the will and resources to do it. Honestly, this information all of you have shared is precious to me. Thank you. I dont feel as alone as I did this morning.

    #59152
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Everyone.

    Hi Yellow

    I may not be able to answer your question directly but I can share an insight with you, which may change your relationship with alcohol.

    Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, kills a number of neurons ( brain cells) in one go and also hinders spiritual progress. If you are truly serious about continuing in your inner journey and moving forward in life, you should look at alcohol as a toxin, which will send you miles backwards. Alcohol and self love do not go hand in hand once you realise this truth. The more you progress in your inner journey, the more you will realise the impact of alcohol on your moods and well being.

    Good luck

    J

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