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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • May 27, 2014 at 11:45 am #57474
    meagan
    Participant

    So I’m in a 2 almost 3 year relationship and him and I both have mutual feelings for each other. We’ve had many trials and tribulations but none that involved infidelity; which is why we’re still together. I feel he understands me and i understand him but somehow my mother and most people that are close to me feel he isn’t right for me. I know he has some qualities about him that these relatives and friends of mine don’t consider ok but for me i don’t view it that way. He has no filter when he speaks and he rather be brutally honest than to sugar coat ANYTHING. Being that i understand it’s just his preference of talking, i don’t let it cloud my judgement of him because i know who I am and nothing he can say will make me doubt myself. Also, when i feel like its too much, i simply let him know and he is understanding to my feelings. I need help figuring out if i should take into consideration what my relatives and friends say or do i go with how i feel about it??

    May 27, 2014 at 11:50 am #57475
    Minh
    Participant

    Meagan
    Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. If you LOVE him then why are you asking that many people to decide for you u??? How old are you and what kinds of issues you have? It will help to understand the problem and give appropriate advise if possible. I hope it helps….

    May 27, 2014 at 12:23 pm #57485
    Matt
    Participant

    Meagan,

    When you say he has no filter, does that mean he’s verbally abusive? You say you are confident enough to not be changed by what he says,but that’s like saying you’re tough enough to take a beating. What’s happening there?

    Consider, sometimes no filter is a beautiful thing. Its easy to know where we stand, and perhaps know how he’s feeling. However, it should be filterless in all aspects. Such as his feelings of love are a torrent of heartfelt pouring, gentle attentions, and bright passion. If “no filter” means he pops his top and steam come out of his ears a lot, it may mean he has anger issues, doesn’t argue fairly, becomes blind with rage and so forth. Not a deal breaker, but its not something that’s good for him long term, and really really bad for you long term.

    Dont make excuses for him, don’t try to persuade yourself, me, your family… just sit and look at him. Is he “no filter” or “abusive”? You know him, your heart is wise, and whatever path you choose is always, always between you and your heart. Just don’t try to convince your heart that you know better, rationalize or justify… just feel him… does he feel right?

    Namaste, may your garden bloom.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    May 27, 2014 at 12:25 pm #57486
    meagan
    Participant

    You are right; I guess it’s fear i hold on to. My mother is terrified that i will make the same mistakes as her when it comes to decisions involving men. My mother’s opinion has always impacted my life some way or the other. I am 24 years old. Me and my boyfriend recently got over a really tough time in our relationship and during that time I’ve been reading lots and lots of self help books to help me figure myself out some more. My mother is afraid that guilt may be holding me here or hope. But to me i feel as long as him and I can communicate why should there be any problem at all? He once was able to make me feel very insecure but that was back before I understood that the opinion of others, should have no affect on me so long as i am Ok and accepting of my flaws and strengths as a whole. But now that time has passed and I’m where I’m at now mentally and emotionally, i feel that nothing he says can alter my belief of myself. That’s why i feel my mother isn’t too convinced when it comes to him. Which is fine, everyone will have their opinion, its just my mothers opinion has more of a hold on me unfortunately. We’ve (me and my bf) been in contact but everyone in my circle with the exception of two people, don’t know the truth. They’re under the impression that we broke up and we have NO contact with each other anymore. I know that falls on me but im just trying to explain how much my mothers opinion effects me.

    May 27, 2014 at 12:36 pm #57489
    meagan
    Participant

    When I say “no filter” i mean no filter as in he can come across as an emotionless bastard; but i know his intentions aren’t cruel. He’s never said i should look or be a certain way, he’s more of a mirror. For example, someone would say “I’m a queen and i deserve nothing more than what a queen deserves” in turn he’d look at them and ask “and what attributes qualify you to such a belief?” and he will hear you out. He feels people will benefit from him showing them the reality of the situation but of course that’s according to his perception. Ive spoken to him about this habit he has and ive told him i understand why he feels it can benefit people but it isn’t his place to do. He shouldn’t judge people on their beliefs and images pertaining to themselves and he was understanding but said he doesn’t wish to change that trait he has developed. He says he’s sure a lot of people won’t appreciate it but he does it for that hand full of individuals that will be glad and appreciate his honesty. He stands for something. Besides that one trait of his, he is awesome. He’s sweet, gentle and such a family man. I am in love with him. Not in love with the thought of what can be between us, but with him. His character, the person he is.

    May 27, 2014 at 3:08 pm #57504
    Matt
    Participant

    Meagan,

    That makes more sense, and thanks for painting him so thoroughly. I can understand why you stay, he sounds like a super guy. Villain or hero is the question, right? He stands for something, but what is that exactly? What motivates his mirroring?

    From the way you feel/describe him, he sounds cruel. Sharp like a knife and sees somewhat, but aims terribly. Slices instead of consoles, judges instead of teaches, slaps instead of touches. No wonder he’s agitated a lot, he grows himself a thorny path. It isn’t enough just to see and shoot from the hip. That just builds ruts, patterns. Seed to fruit, etc. Thorny out,thorny in.

    I encounter some people who do the same, consider themselves roosters crowing dharma, “truth”. But really, they’re acting like cocks, critics. Usually, all they need is to get over their high opinion (hiding the low opinion) they have of themselves, and find themselves a teacher. It helps them temper their sight with a humble acceptance that they don’t know everything, and are far from perfect themselves.

    For you, consider you can’t make a seed grow. If he doesn’t want to grow up, he could be like that a long time. Its not enough to be able to “endure it because I can see his side”, rather, how does it feel to be with him? Do you enjoy your dance with him? Does he help you see how beautiful you are? Does he help you find comfort, space, peace? If his pokes strike you, consider saying “ouch I don’t like that, it hurts my feelings” and leave it there, let it go. If he comes back with “but its for your own… ” Nope. Not yours. Turn away. Over time, hopefully his heart will learn to be kind.

    On your side, consider that love needn’t be an endurance trial, and if you feel courageous enough to mirror his mental-babble with empathy; his “but its true, I’m doing them a favor”, “but how did they feel, why that favor, right then? Are you certain that you know what lesson is actually helpful for them right then? Or was that you being jabby/cranky again that nobody is perfect?”. Or whatever. Emotional feedback. At the very least, you’ll overcome your own challenge of loving a thorny man. There’s the old BF, acting the thorny doof again. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    May 28, 2014 at 1:40 pm #57586
    Kelly
    Participant

    Meagan,
    Let me start by saying when I was your age, I was engaged to a man whom I did not end up marrying. He and I traveled across the country to meet up with my best friend from college. After dinner, as we were getting into a taxi, my friend discreetly whispered to me “he’s not the one for you.” It angered and hurt me, as I had decided this was the man I was going to marry. I wanted to show her she was wrong about him. In hindsight, perhaps she saw something that I did not see at the time.

    While reading your posts, I got the same sense Matt seemed to have – that you’re strong, courageous, confident enough to “handle” your boyfriend. You say “i know who I am and nothing he can say will make me doubt myself”, “We’ve had many trials and tribulations”, “He once was able to make me feel very insecure”, “i feel that nothing he says can alter my belief of myself”. Are these the words to describe the feeling of being in love? You declare you are in love with HIM, his character, the person he is. Why then, save from two people in your circle, are you hiding your relationship? There is a world between keeping private details between you and your boyfriend, and keeping the entire relationship secret. It’s true that people have opinions that run the gamut, influenced by their own struggles and desires (such as your mother), but if you do love and cherish this man and your relationship with him, my feeling is you should feel free to experience your relationship out in the open. Is it possible that you have your own doubts, outside of what your loved ones are telling you?

    You shared with us your boyfriend’s good points (sweet, gentle, family man). I would encourage you to read this article and consider if any of this speaks to you: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-blinded-by-good-points/. People can have good points and still not be right for you or a relationship. Just something to think about.

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