Hey Niam,

I’m really glad you reached out here like this. I’m not WITH Tiny Buddha; I just come here to read articles, mainly when I’m feeling bad. So I’m not sure how Buddhist my advice/response would be, but I wanted to share anyway 🙂

First of all, I wanted to say I’m sorry you’re feeling so terrible – I know what it’s like to feel crazy about romantic relationships – it seems like, of all things, sometimes the pain in those is the worst of all. I hope you know you’re not alone and people care about you.

Secondly, I’m gay, too! Bisexual, actually, though it’s not quite the same situation since I’m a woman, and society/patriarchy has deemed that to be more acceptable and other LGBTQ folks (like gay men/boys or trans people generally) less acceptable.

I understand why you’re still in the closet – I can’t imagine how scary it must be for men and boys to come out of the closet, and I know it’s somehow serving your needs to stay there – it seems safer, like no one can hurt you there.

BUT I must also say that staying in there is NO WAY TO LIVE. Can you imagine loving in the shadows for the rest of your life?
I cannot TELL you how INCREDIBLY (sexually) LIBERATING it is to COME OUT and LET GO of what anyone else thinks! OMFG. Letting go is more of a release than an action, I’ve found, but about the most important thing you can ever do (easier said than done, but “40 ways to let go” on this site is wonderful – as well as the song “let it go” from the movie frozen;-)). When you let go and embrace who you truly are without regard for what others think, there is nothing more beautiful, life-changing, and life-affirming. Living authentically and being yourself is a feeling of complete and utter freedom – like a weight being shifted off of you. I remember 🙂 So I HIGHLY encourage you to come out, first of all, and live the life you want, out in the open! <3

Thirdly, I wanted to say that I’ve been learning (or re-learning) recently that perhaps I need to be more independent from my partner and take care of myself first. I’m the only one who will DEFINITELY be with me forever so I had better be my best friend before all others, instead of depending on others to meet my needs all the time. This is also easier said than done, but I wanted to recommend to you to consider dealing more deeply with your relationship and the changes happening within it.

My partner and I recently broke up for a while, and I bought a break up doctor series online from Kevin that’s been very helpful for helping me figure out what’s going on here, within me and in him and between us, (though they gave me an extra hidden charge they still haven’t removed and I can’t access all the videos and e-books at the time though they say they’re taking care of it). I’d recommend a lot of those ideas, and that series, besides the glitches with money etc. But I’m sure Tiny Buddha and others have much to offer on the subject of feeling independent/taking care of yourself when break-ups and such are happening.

Another thing that’s helped me deal with our last break-up is the fact that I’ve been reading affirmations to myself about every day for a year – affirmations on self love, self belief, self confidence, independence, dreaming big, and inner peace. I wrote down about 20 pieces of paper worth of these double-spaced affirmations, and read about 1-6 pages a day, carrying them with me in my notebook, which I bring everywhere. I would highly recommend these to transform your life. You can find millions at free affirmations dot org and use them for inspiration.

(ALSO – I just made a great “Power” mix on my ipod if you can get one with all the music that makes me feel powerful (though if you’re super sad or angry, listen to that kind of music, which will help empathize with your feelings). I highly recommend the Power mix! (“Born This Way” by Lady Gaga is probably an amazing coming out song ;-)))

If you feel more independent and free to come out, and you take care of you and understand what’s going on from a more evolutionary/psychological perspective, you will likely be able to move beyond your secret guy, whether or not he ever takes you back. You’ve GOT to take care of YOU, and be okay regardless! There’s plenty of ways to make yourself feel better (check out Tiny Buddha!) once you try to let go of him for a bit and focus on you, but I think that’s got to be your end goal – complete and utter self love and respect and independence and personal power.

Also, when you come out, there are plenty of guys out there who are super liberated, and the gay community is (one of) the most nurturing and beautiful places to run into the arms of once you come out or when you need support, in my experience at Pride clubs in college and Pride marches/events around the country.

I wish you well and send you love! <3

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Misty.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Misty.