Hi,

I realise it may not be an appropriate forum to discuss these type of things but when I came across certain personal stories, I thought, maybe, here’s someone who could relate to those emotions of roller-coaster… and perhaps insure me, that this is a normal way to feel.

Well, I lost my fiancé 3 years ago to a stroke, it is a short and a painful memory as everything happened so quick. I admit it, I think there are few issues I carry from then on that I should really discuss it with a grief counsellor. Perhaps I am finally ready for this part. However, ever since – well, you know if something dramatic or tragic happens in our lives, it tends to bring out the real “you”? I’ve been trying to control my life a lot, mainly because there are other, past, family issues that got stuck to me. So I’ve been trying to deal with it, push it down, push it away and finally reasoning and then letting it all go. Of course it’s not always that easy but I’ve managed. So now, after this painful event, the first year was worst.. actually, I spent the first year encapsulating my self completely. The second year, when I finally started to come out, strange things started to happen, I couldn’t control what I said or did. I was angry most of the times – angry with my self and with life in general. And even around people I’d behave odd, say things I wouldn’t normally say. And then this desperation… I am scared of this, seriously! I was scared of people at some stage, or I should say, I was scared to get too close to people and scared of men. Naturally, I would read them wrong but then I also could not stop sending out those messages. And consciously I knew/know that and it frightens me! There were so many moments when I couldn’t recognise my self any more. To give you a clear example… I am taking an evening management course, so now, this time of year, its the exams session. The group I used to study together with is a great bunch of people, guys, men mostly. Nothing wrong here but the last time, when I got talking to one of them, I just expressed him what a great group of people they were to study with and that I will miss them (note, into year 3 things have picked up, I’m not scared of men any more, I suppose things get better). And at the end of the conversation he just hugged me. I admit, it was very unexpected behaviour to me and I didn’t know how to respond…I hugged him back and kinda gave him a kiss on his cheek. It wasn’t really a kiss as such but like a friendly one but still, why did I do that? Note that, I do hug my friends and loved ones (as we all do)but I don’t go around giving kisses and so on. It bothers me a lot, among other things.

I am getting better slowly, day by day, although for the past couple of days I’ve been having quite some tough times. I miss my fiancé so much!

So I would love to know from anyone who can relate to this, is this a normal behaviour while grieving? I’ve read many articles about the steps of grieving and other related material and experiences but still, occasionally I feel I can’t find certain answers to certain things.

Thank you so much in advance for any kind replies.

Annie

• This topic was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Annie.