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Lost Adult, Seeking solace

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  • May 15, 2014 at 4:14 pm #56362
    Turtletiger
    Participant

    Feeling so lost. Never felt this alone before. Never felt such a lack of identity and purpose. Not sure what direction is North.

    Moved to a new state approx 9 months ago to be with my fiance. (Begged him to move into my house instead where I had a job I was passionate about, highly educated for, and very respected in. I loved by pretty little house in a gorgeous small town next to beautiful beaches. I had a community of trusted friends who relied on each other and celebrated together. My aging parents were close by. I gave it all up because I loved him.

    Now, I am in a state/job that that does not value my education/profession/extensive credentials. I have extremely limited resources to be effective in my job. I work 80 or more hours a week. Have no friendships at work or outside. (I do work on maintaining many of my close friendships from back home).

    I am experiencing agonizing pain (some is explainable, some is just over the top) in my neck and back despite acupuncture, yoga, chiropractic care, PT, and I have even seen a physician…

    The worst is I am not sure I love my fiancé anymore. There is no physical attraction and I am not sure who I am, so it is hard to figure out who I am in this relationship.

    I am 39. No children. Always wanted to be a wife and mother. I feel like I am aimlessly adrift. Caught up in pain. Lost in despair.

    Please help, if possible, please be kind and gentle with your advice if you choose to respond. I do know that it was my choices that got me here and only I can navigate my way out.

    May 15, 2014 at 9:41 pm #56379
    sojourner
    Participant

    Sweet Turtletiger,

    Have an honest discussion with your fiance’ about your love and your goals as individuals and as a couple. I think you need to go home…

    You deserve happiness, and it seems you know where it is…why not go back?

    May the angels and God comfort you and give you guidance. I am holding you in prayer.

    Don’t give up…

    May 15, 2014 at 11:13 pm #56385
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Dear Turtletiger,

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so lost. It is, however, a feeling, a mental state, and those never last forever. You have left behind a comfortable nest and went out into the big world. What if you look at it as an adventure? Things happen and we get hurt during our journeys, but it doesn’t have to mean that your whole identity changes. Your identity and purpose and your whole being is still with you. It is you. You are focusing on the environment and perhaps mistaking it for who you are?

    I can understand that being tired and in pain makes it so much more difficult to focus and be strong. Those are the times when summoning any energy to deal with things in a calm and rational way feels impossible. I understand that. You need nurturing. You can also nurture yourself by taking things slowly, if you can, and choosing to talk to yourself in a kind manner, instead of focusing on how scary it is to be so far away from home. Give yourself a break from the fear now and again.

    I would like to gently plant a seed of thought as well. The way you describe yourself and your situation suggests that your identity has been attached to your surroundings even before you moved. So when the surroundings change, you face an identity crisis. Perhaps there is a reason that you are finding yourself in this situation? You are not your job, your friends, your house, your fiance or the potential of being a wife and a mother. You have a personality and a mind, a heart and a soul, which are all unique. You won’t find out the secrets of those by interrogating yourself and forcing yourself to reveal who you are, but you need to pay attention and listen. You can choose how you spend your energy, and instead of worrying about external things, you could perhaps spend that energy on nurturing your being. See what comes out. How will you light up as a person? What does the heart and soul of a Turtletiger look like when it lights up and bursts into joy?

    Don’t be so hard on yourself.

    May 16, 2014 at 11:47 am #56410
    Turtletiger
    Participant

    @Sojourner
    I am very thankful for your supportive words and am so grateful for your prayers.

    Part of me would love to just up and “go home”. But, I know that my decision to be with my fiancé was one that a lot of thought went into. I also know, that my life at “home” was as ideal as my memory is making it now.

    I did speak honestly with my fiancé last night. He reminded me that when I signed the papers at the closing on the sale of my house I said “Now you are my home”. He is right. I made him my home. I need to try to remember why. Clearly the path of my current job, my lack of friendships here, etc needs to change. We have put plans in motion for me to leave my current position, at least for 10 weeks to get healthier and look for healthier employment.
    Luckily, he is supportive of making more visits to my previous “home” with me.

    One slow turtle step with the passion of a tiger at a time.

    May 16, 2014 at 12:15 pm #56414
    Turtletiger
    Participant

    @The Ruminant

    Thank you so very much for your very thoughtful response! You make many very good points that I needed to stop and reflect upon:

    What if you look at it as an adventure?

    This one I tried at first, working 80 plus hours a week and being in debilitating pain has turned me away from this mentality, but I am working on trying to bring it back. I discover something new or a new person and I remember my spirit of adventure.

    Your identity and purpose and your whole being is still with you. It is you. You are focusing on the environment and perhaps mistaking it for who you are?

    I think my identity as I or perceived it was tied into being a respected member of a professional network for 12 years and a loving friend to a community of people in my age group who shared many of my views on the world (different viewpoints were welcome, but it was nice to know for the most part we were on the same “page”… Live, let live)

    It is difficult to start completely over, to not be respected professionally for your opinions/ knowledge, etc. it’s also painful to be far away from loved ones who share so much history with you. I don’t know that’s it all about identity… Yes, partly… It’s also about people.

    You need nurturing. You can also nurture yourself by taking things slowly, if you can, and choosing to talk to yourself in a kind manner, instead of focusing on how scary it is to be so far away from home. Give yourself a break from the fear now and again.

    Thank you, this is true.

    I would like to gently plant a seed of thought as well. The way you describe yourself and your situation suggests that your identity has been attached to your surroundings even before you moved. So when the surroundings change, you face an identity crisis. Perhaps there is a reason that you are finding yourself in this situation? You are not your job, your friends, your house, your fiance or the potential of being a wife and a mother. You have a personality and a mind, a heart and a soul, which are all unique. You won’t find out the secrets of those by interrogating yourself and forcing yourself to reveal who you are, but you need to pay attention and listen. You can choose how you spend your energy, and instead of worrying about external things, you could perhaps spend that energy on nurturing your being. See what comes out. How will you light up as a person? What does the heart and soul of a Turtletiger look like when it lights up and bursts into joy?

    How will I light up, indeed? I am trying new avenues.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself.

    Will try. This can be a tough one!

    Thank you!

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Turtletiger.
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