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Lost the Love of my Life

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  • May 14, 2014 at 9:09 am #56269
    Nami
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    This is my first time posting here. I don’t really know where to start. One week ago, my boyfriend of about 1.5 years left me. We had booked tickets to go to Honduras just 5 days prior, had been arguing because his parents weren’t on board (by arguing, I mean that I was upset and he was telling me it would be fine), and then he e-mailed me one day telling me that he saw clearly what had been happening between us, that he wasn’t happy, he wasn’t making me happy, and there was no way to fix it. He was leaving. He then blocked me on his phone and email and erased me from all social media.

    I sent him a facebook message and he came over to “say goodbye”. His decision was final and there was nothing I could do. I got into therapy just a few days later and have already had so many realizations. I realized I am abusive. I have been physically, mentally, and psychologically abusive to this man. He said he had been unhappy for 8 months. I see now that that is when my depression started getting really bad. I required him to hold me up, to fix my life for me because I couldn’t see a way out on my own. The past month, I finally quit my job (last day is on the 23rd, our vacation was going to start on the 24th) and started to make moves reclaiming my happiness. When we spoke, I told him I was making these efforts, please is there anything I can do to give you what you need but not lose you. He said no, that we had given each other enough chances, that although we were on a current upswing that this was just part of a cycle of bad habits we kept repeating.

    I agree with all of this now. I have never known how to have a healthy relationship because of how I grew up. I’m in therapy trying to get my life together. I want to be able to love myself and provide a loving relationship to someone. He and I met 3 years ago, dated for a month, and then he moved away. We both dated our exes for 2 years and then finally got together. I took him for granted. I took this relationship, that we had both held out such high hopes for, for granted. I realize that. We are talking in 3 months again–that’s when the block he put on me on his phone is automatically lifted. When we were together, I think I would just keep pushing him to his limits to see how much he loved me. I did this in a prior relationship too. However, I never thought I could push this boyfriend too far–I took him for granted. He went to therapy, he did soul searching, he did so much to help our relationship when we were together. He was always so understanding and patient with me. He suggested I might have borderline personality disorder and I just never looked into it or therapy in the ways I should have. I was so unhappy with everything in my life, plus we were long distance which I hated, but now he will be moving to New York where I live.

    I desperately want to get him back. I don’t know if it is possible. When we spoke, he said I was the love of his life and he wanted a healthy relationship with me. But I don’t know if I’ve broken this too much. I want to get the help I need so I can control my emotions, not be a cruel person to people I love. I’m devastated at the thought that in 3 months, he won’t want anything to do with me. Maybe he has suffered too much. He said he wanted to just talk on the phone, not in person. I want to change for myself and I hate that losing something so important was the catalyst for me to get this help. I just hope there’s a chance in hell to show him I can give him the healthy relationship he deserves and we both want. He said he thinks we are inherently broken and it will a lot of time apart to reset our habits. But I don’t believe that. I think I am inherently broken and while I don’t think I’ll be a whole person in 3 months, I will work my ass off trying to be happy and live the life I want. I want him in my life not because I need him, but because he lights up my life.

    I feel pathetic, hopeless. I feel so much regret and guilt. I feel like I have lost the most important thing that ever came along. Can anyone provide any insight? I know I will have to accept if he doesn’t want me, but I am just not willing to leave it to fate at this moment. I want him, I want to work on myself, and I want to get to a place where I can continue to work on myself while we slowly rebuild our relationship. He said I need to love myself, that I can’t use him as a crutch…I totally agree. I feel so helpless.

    May 14, 2014 at 10:03 am #56275
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Nami,

    I got a bit emotional reading your post, as I went through something similar and it was the catalyst for me for finally owning up to my mistakes and changing the course of my life. I know it hurts now, but you can use that hurt and willingness to heal to your benefit. I don’t think I would’ve sought help for myself and pushed myself forward without the motivation of wanting the man back I had lost due to my antics. I wanted to prove to him that I could heal. After a while it started to be about myself and now I am so thankful that everything happened. OK, I do regret hurting him, but the change that has happened in me and continues to happen has completely changed my life. I never would’ve gone through this transformation without him leaving me.

    It will get better and then it will get worse. It will be painful and exhausting and terrifying. But if you continue with humility and willingness to shed the old habits and to allow love into your heart, it will all be worth it. You’ll heal and then you’ll heal some more and you will be tempted to think that you’re done with the work and will slip back to old habits. Then you continue again.

    Things could’ve continued the same way for the rest of your life. You have been given a chance to change the course of your life. Grab it with both hands.

    May 14, 2014 at 10:26 am #56276
    Nami
    Participant

    Hi Ruminant,

    Thank you so much for responding. It’s funny (and/or creepy?), but I had been browsing other forums posts to find similar threads and came upon a lot of your answers. I was hoping you’d have some insight to offer here and I’m so happy that you did. =)

    I am trying very hard to see the positives of this situation. I hate feeling so hopeful about 3 months from now though…I love him so much and I hate that I made him feel that he was not someone I wanted. How can I stop feeling hopeful about the future? Should I feel hopeful? Is it likely that he will want to give me a chance to re-enter his life in 3 months? How can I not feel like I’ve lost something that could’ve been perfect forever?

    How has your situation played out? I feel like a child, wanting someone to tell me what will happen while knowing nobody can. I see myself searching for more answers until I hear the one I want. How did you cope with these feelings?

    I’m so nervous about speaking with him in 3 months. I know he knows I love him, I know he loves me, I know he wishes it had played out differently. I just wasn’t in a great place, I haven’t been for some time. I’m terrified that he will move on and I will feel heartbroken all over again. I have gone through break ups before, but never heartbreak. I never prepared myself to feel this way; I never knew I could hurt so much all over. I want to contact him in a month or so and tell him about all the work I’ve been doing on myself with the hopes that he doesn’t close his heart and mind to me. I asked him to keep an open mind and heart when we speak in 3 months; I hate feeling so out of control.

    I’m sorry for all of these questions. I feel manic and don’t know where to turn for guidance.

    May 14, 2014 at 10:31 am #56278
    Chris
    Participant

    First of all Nami, I am sorry for your pain. As a man who was married to a woman with the same issues, I finally came to the realization that being in the toxic relationship was killing me physically and emotionally. I found that the longer I stayed in the relationship, the less I loved myself. Finally, as much as I wanted to “help” my wife change, I can only be responsible for my own life changes. While I still loved my wife, I loved me more and ended the marriage.

    Working on “you” as you have started doing is the best approach as you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge. Join any groups that can help you with this, e.g. Codependency, AAA, etc. Once you learn to love yourself, you will find the love you deserve. It’s not easy to change your ways for a healthy life, but you are worth it!

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Chris.
    May 14, 2014 at 11:12 am #56283
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi, Nami. I only have time for quick reply but I just want to tell you that I have been there. Only when my ex boyfriend broke up with me did I realize so many important things about life. The most important discovery was that I relied on him to make me happy. But life doesn’t go that way and eventhough our relationship would seem perfect on the outside, not only was I not happy, I was actually terribly unhappy. It took some time for me to heal, I had many regrets, I wanted him back and I wasn’t able to imagine we would never get back. In my head, I saw him as the most perfect man after the break up and I beat myself for losing him. But now I can clearly see that he was not the love of my life, he was a “crutch” to help me realize that I have to love myself and do the things I love and not seek happiness in a relationship (I believe that people who come to our life are there to help us on our spiritual journey).

    I would suggest reading articles on Tiny Buddha (they will appear at the right time just when you need them, trust me) and even if it sounds impossible, let go. If he truly is the love of your life, he will come back. Do not push it. And please, don’t be so hard on yourself, you are just human and you are worthy of love – love coming from YOURSELF and others. Forgive yourself.

    Things WILL get better, that is for sure. <3

    May 14, 2014 at 11:49 am #56290
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I can understand that you are feeling anxious and need some guarantees that you’ll not feel pain again. I know it feels horrible to not be in control and be so aware of not being in control. That is one of the gifts to you right now: to be so aware of the loss of control of the situation. I can understand the manic feelings as well. Your mind is probably furiously trying to figure out how to survive. The good thing is that nothing bad is going to happen. You are just going to have to learn that nothing bad will happen, even if you’re not in control. Or let’s put it this way: it’s more likely that something bad will happen if you’ll furiously try to control other people and events, and more likely that things will go smoothly if you can just let go and allow things to happen.

    I wasn’t able to let go of him. Never was. I tried everything, but I wasn’t successful, so that was another thing I had to accept. Though he didn’t let go of me either. If he would’ve eventually said that he really doesn’t want anything to do with me, then I think I would’ve been able to let go. He is still in my life in the background, and we are both still holding onto some hope. I am not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but time will tell. I continue not to be in control of the situation and it helps me to remember that it’s OK to not be in control.

    Allow yourself to ease into the situation and accept the reality. It’s not going to happen just like that, but try it. Try to relax and allow the pain and fear to wash over you. It’s scary, but it will not kill you, and after you’ve noticed that you were strong enough to survive it, you’ve grown a little bit more. Fighting back isn’t going to help. You can try to outwit the reality, but you’ll only end up getting more hurt down the line. I read somewhere that humility is not trying to outsmart the reality, but accepting it as it is. I think it’s a helpful thought. I always feel really safe and good when I allow myself to feel more humble and remember that it’s not my job to control this world and everyone in it.

    I agree with Chris about the support groups. It was extremely helpful to me. You can notice so many things when you’re in the same room with others who have similar survival tactics as you do. Whether that be manipulation, passive-aggressiveness or what ever ways we have learned along the way. It’s also good to acknowledge that you are still very capable of fooling yourself and others. It’s easy to say things without actually working on them, because the actual work is scary and hard. You have to be really honest with yourself.

    It will be OK, however you’ll just have to learn how to trust yourself and the world around you. Things might not go the way you want them to go, but if you can accept that, things will go your way eventually.

    May 15, 2014 at 8:18 am #56327
    jdkm
    Participant

    Hey!

    I have very little left to say because everyone who replied has offered so much already! I have been/am in your situation – I logged in to reply because I can feel your pain. I am far from healed, and I don’t have any answers about what will happen in the future (3 months or later). One thing that helped me become more accepting of the lack of control is this – I used to always think that I would do absolutely anything to make my relationship work, and I just couldn’t figure out the best way to fix things. At one point I realised that there is something I could do – the only thing I could do was to completely let go – to give him space to figure out his feelings, and much more importantly to take a step back for myself and work on my issues – it seemed harder and more painful than any of the other “plans of action” I had considered before. You have realised you need to work on yourself – and that’s an incredible first step. Part of healing and becoming a better person, as I have come to believe (after quite a bit of resistance), is to let go of trying to control things and ‘making’ them work, and rather, to work on healing yourself and becoming the best version of yourself possible. The worst thing that can happen is that you won’t end up together (and believe me I know that still seems unfathomable). There is no way you can be happy together now (before you work on your issues) but you’re lucky enough to have an option, you have the power to do something to be happy – work on yourself.

    I know this is not as ideal as me telling you there is a magical way of fixing everything, and that I can guarantee you can get back together – but starting to realise that you can gain control of some things (your own healing) by letting go of control over other things (the relationship) will definitely help you move forward. In as scary as it is, I have come to believe that if two people are meant to be together they will end up together – if your relationship is truly as great as you believe, then the two of you will find a way (if both of you work on yourselves, are ready to grow etc.) If not, and you are working on yourself in the meantime, then you will find greater happiness even if it is not with the person you imagine. I have no guarantees, as like I said I am in the same boat – but the very best thing you can do is work on yourself – we WILL find peace and happiness if we keep trying – whatever that might look like!

    Love
    JDKM

    May 15, 2014 at 12:09 pm #56342
    Nami
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    First and foremost, thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read and respond. You have no idea (or maybe you do) how helpful it has been to hear that what I’m going through isn’t entirely singular in many ways. It’s funny because we all know that our experiences are shared–how else would there be so many songs/poems/expressions of heartbreak out there–but it’s an easy fact to forget in the self-centric world of despair.

    The Ruminant: Thank you for sharing your own story and experience. Your comment about being aware of the loss of control has been so incredibly helpful to me. When I get overwhelmed, I am trying to remember that I can feel the pain/fear and trust that nothing terrible is going to happen to me. I’ve especially found it helpful to think through what exact things are causing me pain and making me fearful. Thank you so much for your kind words.

    Chris: It was very helpful to hear your different perspective. When I think about the fact that as much as he loved me, he needed to love himself more, it helps calm many negative feelings and try to come at the situation from a place of empathy. I can see how our toxic relationship was also affecting his sense of self-love, and I appreciate you shining a light on that for me.

    Lada/jdkm: Thank you for sharing your stories. It makes me feel so much less alone and reminds me that my feelings are validated. It still really does feel unfathomable that things will always be this way, but it’s nice to hear that 1) that feeling is normal and 2) it too shall pass.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about what everyone has said and reading about acceptance and control. Sometimes I feel like I’m focusing so much on being in this zen place and it is just so unnatural for me..but I’m trying to bring as much of it into my life as feels comfortable. I feel like I’ve been blaming myself so much for what happened. While I can see that he was unhappy and that I behaved in completely unacceptable ways, I have been reflecting on the relationship and realize that I haven’t been some terrible monster through and through. I really did care so much about his life and well-being, I tried to be as supportive as possible. The way he left, so suddenly and completely–without any real conversation–left me feeling like I must have been so awful to him that he had to flee. But I see that I gave him outs. I would tell him that I felt my unhappiness was bleeding into his own life, that I thought it might be best for him to leave and find happiness. I can also understand that during these conversations, he likely stayed because he loved me and also didn’t want to abandon me or make me feel unloved.

    While I’m not angry for him for leaving, I do feel very very hurt. I feel hurt that I can’t contact him and ask him for more clarity…I sometimes feel like a chump for sitting around hoping for a future and not knowing if he even wants the same. I’m trying right now to figure out what kind of person I am and how I want to handle things in my life, but I feel very upset for having been left with no answers, no indication of the future. I wonder if I am foolish for thinking this person was The/A Love of My Life when he left so unceremoniously. I want to tell him how I feel, but keep battling voices in my head to keep it in until we speak in 3 months or just tell him how I feel now/in one month. If he is moving on and has no hope to reconcile, I just want to know so I can move on.

    I take responsibility for my huge part in making him unhappy. I can’t help but sometimes wish that he had sat me down and said, “I love you but I need you to love yourself. I still want to be with you but I can’t right now” or even “I’m unhappy. I can’t do this anymore. We need to end all contact for good.” But then again, maybe he doesn’t know what he wants right now. Obviously, I can’t control the way things played out..and I’m sorry if I’m rambling here. It has just been making me feel uneasy and unloved to have been left in that way. I feel frustrated that I can’t contact him and that this has to be on his terms. At the same time, I realize he was hurting and was unhappy…I just wish I had a clearer idea of what was going on in his head presently and at the time of the break up. It’s eerie to feel so removed and strange to someone who you used to know so well. I had contacted him last week sometime on my work phone and left a message basically saying I had some questions about what happened and even though we aren’t supposed to be talking, some answers would really help me move forward. He didn’t respond. I get it…but also, in some ways I don’t get it. Does that make sense? I feel a little nuts.

    At what point do we accept things as they are and at what point do we actively go after things we want? Thanks you all again for being so kind and sharing your stories. I’m so happy I found this community =) And again, sorry all my long-winded musings!

    May 15, 2014 at 12:52 pm #56348
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Allow me to tell you about how I see how our problems in relationships might develop.

    When we are children, we’re pretty open to new experiences. We might be shy, but the need to explore the world around us is more important than not doing it due to any fears. Unfortunately, things will start to happen which cause pain and fear in us. We grow up with adults who have their own baggage from their lives and those affect us as well. We need to feel secure, safe, shielded from all of the harms, and so we need to develop some kind of defenses for ourselves. Some people need them more than others. Some grow up in environments that are very harsh and the only way to survive is to dissociate from reality or become very aggressive or create a completely different personality and so on. People adapt and they will do what ever they can to survive.

    Those learned survival tactics stay with us. Passive-aggressive manipulation techniques in relationships or even violence or what ever we have found to be useful. Unfortunately, those tactics can make our lives, and the lives of those around us, a living hell. But they are our shield, and we don’t let down our shields easily. The more fearful, scared or distrusting child there is within us, the less chances there are that we will let our guard down. It’s not even just that, but a fearful person will gravitate towards other fearful persons and when those two try to start letting their guards down, it’s rather likely that one of them will freak out and go back on the defense, thus hurting both of them. Relationships become impossible.

    You say that you wish that he would’ve said something before. Chances are that he actually did, but you didn’t hear it the way he meant it to be heard. These defense mechanisms work very efficiently, and if they detect that you might be under any threat, being told that you are in the wrong or need to change, the fear of abandonment or rejection can be so big that it’s easier to just not hear what is being said and go into denial. More and more even more elaborate defenses must be built in our psyche to cover for the mistakes made by us. It’s like building a house on top of a very shaky base. You don’t want it to collapse, and if you can do a bit more shoddy work here and there to prevent the gusts of wind from taking the whole thing down, you’ll do exactly that. You’re not going to take it down and start over…unless there is no other choice. That is why any event that will make you completely collapse is a chance to start fresh and build something much more solid this time around. You wouldn’t have changed if he had just asked. You know that drastic measures were needed.

    When defenses are taken down and you end up exposed, raw, hurt and confused, it will feel surreal and scary. Your mind will try to desperately figure out a way to adapt and find some way to shield you. Be mindful of that. Don’t take the easy way or the childish way. You’re not a child anymore, so you can build yourself up again with the help of rational thinking and a compassionate heart. Be kind to yourself and let love in. Nurture your soul that’s been exposed. You will no doubt over-think things, but it’s also good to allow everything to just be. Wu wei, non-action, can be very healing to someone who always tries to control everything.

    When I said that I was never able to let go of him, I meant that I tried to force myself to “let go”. But it was impossible, so I was in this fight with myself. “Let go. I can’t. I must. I can’t.” In the end, I found it more useful to just let go of that fight. What is, is, and what will be, will be. I couldn’t forcefully let go of the thoughts and desires, and if I tried, it was the same as suppressing them. Any such aggressive action will be met with a reaction. Like a pendulum swinging violently back and forth. So it’s better to let things be. Just being still, even when your heart is aching so much that you want to howl, is very rewarding. By all means, howl if you need to, but don’t try to control the feeling. Allowing the feelings to just pass through your whole being, and then noticing that you didn’t die will help you understand how unnecessary many of the shields have been. I think a lot of us are so afraid of painful feelings that we just block them. So they stay within us, never released.

    Don’t be surprised if you open up these floodgates and you are starting to get flashbacks from other past events. Just allow them to come and go as well. They might hurt you on their way through your mind, but they will pass. They’ll only linger if you get obsessed with them.

    I firmly believe that you can over time change your life. You as a person will not change, but you can change the way you respond to yourself and to the world. Your unique personality will light up in a different way when it’s fueled with love, as opposed to fear.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by The Ruminant.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by The Ruminant.
    May 15, 2014 at 1:48 pm #56357
    Kelly
    Participant

    Hi Nami. First off, please don’t feel you have to apologize for the length of your posts or asking questions of the community. I hope you feel free to express yourself fully on this forum.

    Forgive me for possibly honing in on an unneccessary detail, but I am having difficulty wrapping my head around this “3 months” timeline. In your first post, it sounds like your boyfriend was pretty clear about things being over. You’ve given each other enough chances, the cycle of bad habits, etc. You met to “say goodbye” and that was that, painful as it was. Perhaps you’ve left out some details, but did you actually discuss reevaluating things together in three months, or because the block on the phone is automatically lifted in 3 months you assume that’s when you’ll be able to call him again and start campaigning to win him back? Because, to be honest, unless it was a deliberate separation with plans to reconvene later, the 3 months seems kind of arbitrary. You can remove a block on a phone number just as easily as you put one on. You are not “locked in” to the block. If the two of you want to dicuss things, there’s no reason you can’t even before this “deadline”. The reason I ask is because I’m concerned that you are delaying moving on from this relationship because of what may be false hope in having a “happy ending” with this man in 3 months. I do apologize if my words are harsh – my intentions are pure. Three months is a long time to spend flogging yourself over things that happened in the past. It’s wonderful that this experience has opened your eyes and caused you to look inward and improve upon yourself, but please do it for the goal of a happier, healthier you and not for some perceived prize of winning him back. He is not the only man in the world, and truth be told it takes two to make a relationship succeed (or fail). It’s admirable you are taking away your own issues and mistakes to work on, but he was a player in this as well. Perhaps you will find that this just wasn’t a great fit.

    May 15, 2014 at 2:36 pm #56361
    Nami
    Participant

    Hi Kelly,

    No need to apologize, you bring up a good point. When he came over to say goodbye, it was an understandably emotional conversation where I was pretty hysterical at first–lots of crying and admitting I needed to work on myself, is there anything I can do–and then I switched over to a forced acceptance. I told him I was going to work on myself. He told me I needed to do it for me; I told him I would but I didn’t think this was the end of our story together. “I’m coming for you!” I said, in an attempt to lighten the mood and feel like I had some control. I’m not sure where his head is at right now. I know he doesn’t want our story to end here. That’s not the impression I got when we spoke..but he might think it’s over. He didn’t want to speak for 18 months, but I said that seemed like a bizarre arbitrary number. He agreed and set a new arbitrary 3 month mark based on his phone block and I asked if we could re-evaluate our situation there. He said we’ll talk in 3 months and he was looking forward to it, but we’re not just broken up for 3 months–we’re broken up. He seemed to keep dodging having to directly acknowledge my request to “revisit our situation” then. I asked him to try and keep his heart and mind open to the idea, and he seemed to acquiesce. When I asked why we couldn’t separate for 3 months, he said he didn’t want me to use him as a crutch. He then said he didn’t want to be with anyone else, above all he wanted to be in a healthy relationship with me. I asked if this was it forever and he said, “I thought that when you broke up, you had to close chapters on people.” I acknowledged that that is how I normally functioned, but I couldn’t do it with him just yet.

    While reflecting on that conversation in the past week, I have come to see that I was hearing what I wanted to hear. Still, I don’t think things are completely over. If we speak in 3 months and he doesn’t want to/isn’t ready to try again, I will have to understand that. I hope to be in a place where I can better handle that if it is his decision. I’m not sure why else he would want to speak in 3 months if he didn’t think there was a chance. Knowing him, he would cut me off for much longer I’d think. I still think about contacting him after a month or so has passed to see how he is doing and tell him everything I’m thinking about, but I want to respect his wishes. I would like to contact him in a month though and ask if there’s a chance at all that he would want to revisit our separation…I’m not sure if you have any thoughts on that, but I’m open to hearing them. Part of me just wants to know for sure if he is closed to the idea right now so I can move on.

    I’m trying to accept I don’t know what he will be doing in the next 3 months, how he will think about us or his life. I know I need to accept that for now, he is gone. I’m not sure what will happen in 3 months honestly, but I think the fact that he is willing to talk then is some hope. But I agree, I don’t want to sit around waiting to get better just for him. It’s been a real wake up call, that’s for sure. I hope that in 3 months, if I still want to be with him–if I feel like I still want him that badly in my life, I can express that to him and deal with rejection if it comes. That hope is there for now though. I want to see if in 3 months, if he still wants a healthy relationship with me and is willing to work on that together. This is also dependent on where I’m at in 3 months, which is the most major factor.

    As much as I try to accept what is going on, I still feel in denial. I want to be able to work on myself and then when we speak, say what I need and want to say and accept what comes after that… I feel like I sound like a child. There are good moments and bad ones; right now I’m having a bad one and it feels like there is a huge hole in my heart. Some days I feel like I get it, other days I am just so confused about what has happened.

    May 15, 2014 at 6:18 pm #56363
    Al
    Participant

    Nami,

    I am sorry for your suffering.

    Be at ease and know that not all the blame lie on your shoulders. Society is hectic and can have all sorts of influence on us. With so many voices, so many factors, so many elements pulling us in every which way, it is indeed difficult to pause ourselves and ruminate upon our being. It can seem as if everything is ‘go go go’ nowadays. And with everyone dancing to the beat, how can we not follow? Because of this, it’s understanding and not wrong to say that we don’t know how to truly behave and obtain any notion of what ‘normal’ behavior is.

    My dear, while it is sad that a separation occurred, do your best to also feel fortunate in this difficult time. This event has caused you to open your eyes, and heart, and appeal to your state of being. What would worry me, and you as well, is if you instead posted about how wrong his decision was for breaking up with you and ranting about it. Rather, you posted seeking for guidance and help in managing your negative habits and improving your inner being. Such consideration, especially under great emotional strain, indicates that innately you are, after all, a more beautiful being than you knew. Hence, be notably merry for this.

    With this said, although the conclusion of an open heart does not necessarily mean anything for the two of you, it does greatly suggest that you will be able to move on. In fact, we must do so; for loving another human being means to earnestly want them to be happy in every aspect of their lives. If we truly care for them, we will thank them for the beautiful experiences and emotions we were able to feel because of them and the necessary life lessons that we were taught and given to help us in our futures. Neglecting to do so would only instill unhealthy ‘nourishment’ within us, adding to any residing chaos and increasing our chances of leading a destructive life. In addition, this would not honor the memory of the relationship. Why give thanks to such a beautiful experience by tarnishing ourselves? It would be quite disrespectful.

    However, do not languish; for you’ve already begun to blossom from this. Take care, though, in knowing that change does not (necessarily) occur in short periods of time. Development, ‘careful’ development, should take time as we consider all that enters our lives. Forcing ourselves to grow is an illusion, especially if we do not come to understand the phenomenons occurring both inside and outside of us. As I often state to other TB members, all delicate things require proper nurturing. Aren’t out lives such things? While our bodies need physical exercise to be healthy, our minds need positive thoughts as nutrition in order to be.

    In summary, do not wholly blame yourself for behaving the way you did. We are not meant to know all the answers nor ever will hence our actions will always remain innocent. Honor and commemorate the relationship you shared by working on the (behavioral) faults you believe caused about the current circumstances (in a kind and gentle and understanding manner) at a pace which will yield spiritual enlightening.

    I hope this helps and please forgive me for any grammatical errors which I often make in long reply posts. Namaste.

    Al

    May 16, 2014 at 4:01 am #56389
    Cameron
    Participant

    Hi Nami

    I just want to let you know that your boyfriend’s suggestion that you might have borderline personality disorder is wrong. Having written an essay regarding this disorder a while back, I’m certain that you do not have borderline personality disorder. You’re a kind person like Al said, instead of blaming everything and everyone else, you came to this forum for guidance and trying to love yourself. This is a huge step. I’m already proud of you. Sending you heaps of love.

    May 16, 2014 at 4:08 am #56390
    Cameron
    Participant

    Hi Al

    Your post to Nami made me in tears coz I felt love in it. Since I started meditating, I often go teary when I feel love. It’s an amazing experience. In the beginning of the experience, I was like “Oh, damn it. Why do I cry again?” I blamed myself for being weak. Now I know the reason behind it, I’m happy when I feel teary coz I know it’s because I’m feeling love. Thanks for letting me feel love today. With love.

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