Hey Jessa,

Here are my two cents. I realize this need to have deep relationships. However, one needs to acknowledge that such closeness is indeed rare and not everyone can be on such a wave-length with us. Additionally, deep friendships take a great deal of time and trust which will not happen in a day.

I feel that you need to let go of this consciousness of “oh, this rabbit could be a close friend, let me do nice things and totally get along with them” Just be genuinely interested in people and their thoughts. When they see that you do care about what they have to say, chances are they will open up more to you. If not a deep friendship, you would have the chance to know an unexpectedly wonderful person. Who knows, you might just bond more deeply more over time!

Also, i would like to add that your behavior may often send confusing signals to people around you. Consider a co-worker of yours who is very friendly with you for some time, talks normally and then just pulls away. You would wonder what is wrong with her? Was it something you did? But you cant really ask her too directly and assume she wants her space maybe. The net result is that there is a strain created by wrong signals.

Now the act of pulling away is something you need to look into. Its a sign that you arent confident about how worthwhile you are. A part of you is already guarded despite your seemingly amicable nature and the moment you sense that there isnt sufficient reciprocation, you invariably start feeling it could be due to your nature. Thus, as a defense mechanism, you pull away – the thought is “why get rejected when i dont even want it?”

The point is, even if you supposedly get “rejected” of your need to closely bond with that person despite your efforts to be nice and polite, remember that you arent really being yourself and people have different bonding thresholds. Not everyone clicks that easily but different friends have various roles to play in our existence. Not all friends are meant to be the “till death do us apart” type.

The more you appreciate yourself, the more you will realize how nice it is to bond with people without too many pre-set notions and expectations. Be genuinely interested in people and trust yourself.

– Moon

Dear Jessa,

Thanks 🙂

It is good that you have come so far in overcoming your fears. I know how hard that is and even i struggle with some of the things you mentioned. I did have massive panic attacks before and there are days that being around people, crowds is so stressful. Nonetheless, I have come to realize that i do want to be with people but not way too much. I used to get confused about it all. I craved deep relationships but at the same time, kept feeling a nagging sense of discomfort in closeness as well. It was quite a contradiction for me. I ultimately realized that i was indeed an introvert but i also suffered from low self-esteem. I definitely needed my space to reflect and recharge but felt insecure with people whom i was really close to. I was always looking for “proof” – i couldnt believe that they actually liked me that much. The shyness and anxiety with people of my age, happened because of inner insecurities.

In the end, the more we practice, reinforce positive social feedback and continue to develop self-confidence, the easier it becomes to be with people. How i perceive what kind of person i am on a particular day has a massive impact on how i project myself to others.

Focusing on people is something i learnt from one of my best friends. She’s like the sun – warm, exuberant and the kind of person who smiles with their eyes, their entire face lights up. She makes friends very easily and told me that i simply needed to stop thinking so much about what they thought. i simply had to be myself and smile more – ask people how they are and remember things they said.

The more warm and positive you are, the better you will feel and make people feel comfortable with you. Your needs for a deeper connection will happen if you open up and allow people to do the same. Whenever you get confused with this, try to think of yourself as a third person…maybe a friend whom you’re trying to advice in such a situation. what would you tell her?

– Moon