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I cannot seem to deal with my past.

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • April 17, 2014 at 5:20 pm #54974
    Matt J. Stokes
    Participant

    Hello all.

    I really don’t know where to start. For the last 11 years of my life, i have been dealing with a side of me
    that is not human. It’s not a normal side, and it’s not who i want to be.

    School never got my attention when i was younger, because i never knew what i wanted to do. I didn’t know what
    i wanted to do in life. After having worked in supermarkets and countless other jobs, i met a guy whom i had met
    when i was in prison at age 15. Me and a couple of classmates were swimming, having fun, when all of a sudden one
    of these guys started a scuffle with a girl. The girl slapped him, he jumped on her and she filed a complaint, and
    since they ( girls ) said we were all involved, the took us to jail. I had never been to jail before and it was a
    miserable feeling. I had met this man who asked me what i was doing there, and i told him the story, but i was a
    bit angry and i also told him i was innocent. He started laughing and said ‘we all are’ while pointing at 2 other
    guys who were in the ‘outside room’. I got out, case got thrown out of court because the girls had said that we
    had been touching them, which was a lie ( at least i didn’t touch them nor have i seen someone else touching them ),
    and there was no evidence. Fast forward two years, and who taps me on my shoulder while i’m minding my own business
    buying some chips in my school break? Exactly, that guy. He asked me if i could help him out with some papers he had received,
    and that he would pay me for it. I told him i didn’t want his money, but i would help him anyway.

    I will shorten the story, or else i’ll be writing this till the sun comes up lol.

    I helped him out, and i did some odd jobs for him. I always knew he was not the kosher type, so when he asked me to
    help him out doing other stuff ( think roughing up guys who didn’t pay up, threatening people that were his competition, closing ‘deals’ ), i did it because i didn’t think of the consequences that it would bring with doing those things.

    It wasn’t even about money, that’s the funny thing. People usually do those things for money. Money didn’t bother me at all. I was living at home with my parents, and the only thing that i bought were gadgets and clothes. I didn’t have that many expenses, so i didn’t care about the money. I enjoyed doing those things because it helped me fill a hole in my soul that i did not know i had. I enjoyed bringing pain to people that were not following etiquette, because in my life i was always the guy that got screwed over, by everyone, be it family, friends, whatever. I started developing this nasty side of me that was pure evil. It’s like my soul got ripped apart one day and the ‘other side’ said : ‘No, i can’t take this anymore. When people screw you over, you will make them pay for it.’ And that’s exactly what happened.

    One day he asked me to help him out, because some people were rubbing him the wrong way. Things got out of hand and people disappeared.

    This happened on more than one occasion, unfortunately.

    For the past 10 years i have not been sleeping well. I can’t sleep because i get nightmares. I avoid certain places outside that give me chills, make me sad to the point i start crying without me knowing it ( tears roll down but i don’t feel the emotion ), i am in a constant state of selfprotection, where i try to avoid getting into altercations as much as i can out of fear i might blackout and rip someone’s head off. Whenever altercations do occur and i don’t resolve it with violence, i feel terrible afterwards, because my ‘other side’ starts to criticize me and tries to take my masculinity away, but whenever i do resolve things with violence, i feel terrible as well, because i start thinking about the people i have hurt in the past, the nightmares and the constant feeling of guilt because i have never been punished for the things that have happened, and i get disappointed with myself and how my life turned out. I don’t have a lot of friends, as i, more than once, have been in a situation where people that i like, to which i’m always friendly and relaxed, think they can walk all over me because i’m that way. It’s situations like that where i feel i have to show them my ‘other side’, and it’s moments like that when i know a friendship ( be it a relationship or a normal friendship ) has ended, because after that i can never look a person in the eye anymore.

    I have trust issues, major trust issues. I will give you an example.

    Someone borrows money from me, a large amount, and promises to give it back to me let’s say 6 months from now. I’ll say fine, and i won’t mention it again. If after six months i still don’t have it back, i’ll make a note of it and i’ll try to get in contact with this person. If i can’t get in contact i will move on, but i won’t forget. Let’s say if years later i get his personal information, i will try to get in contact with him and ask him nicely for the money. If by then he starts to give me an attitude, i will cut off contact, and look him up. I’d then beat him up, take what he has on him then return after a couple of weeks to do the same thing. Sometimes i’d stab his tires, break this persons possessions, throw bricks through windows in the middle of the night or just try to freak people out. The thing is that i don’t like doing those stuff. I don’t enjoy them because it takes a lot of energy ( which i don’t have ) and in the end it only feeds my other side ( who, as stupid as this may sound, loves it whenever something like this happens ).

    I’m talking about stuff that has happened in the future now, i have not loaned people money in ages, but i still have a few people i haven’t dealt with, and it’s hard to let stuff like that go. The only gain from it that i get is a financial gain, and ( sometimes ) closure.

    Argh…i really don’t know why i wrote this stuff down, i could write for days trying to help me understand myself and i’d still not understand a thing.

    Main problems are nightmares, hallucinations, my environment freaking me out, trust issues.

    I have been seeing a shrink ( i’ve had about 14, all of which didn’t seem to click ), but when i started to tell her about these things, she made a couple of comments that didn’t sit well with me, and i just can’t open up to her anymore, because i don’t trust her.

    I had told her that i, whenever i feel bad, or it’s not going great financially, have a urge to start doing stupid stuff again, because it’s easy money and fast. I tried working 9 to 5 jobs, but it didn’t stick with me. I got fired for all the wrong reasons, and i really wasn’t motivated at all because i was always a temp, that never got a contract.

    If you’re wondering what those comments were ;

    – She said that she had the feeling like she was in the sopranos, which i found insulting
    – When i told her that i had the urge to make those that owed me money and screwed me over pay, to either ‘shoot them all or just let it go’, 3-4 times, and after every time that she said that she said ‘It is not my advice of course’.
    – When i told her that i had better experiences with ‘deals’, than with friends, she said something like, ‘I had not expected that ( good experiences with deals ), because you always see bad stuff happen in movies’, which to me was a very stupid remark

    Does anyone have any tips or help for me ?

    I’m sorry for any typos or sentences that seem odd or out of place, in the last 4 days i have slept 7 hours, and i’m just so, so tired of it all.

    April 17, 2014 at 8:25 pm #54976
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Matt J. Stokes

    Hope you will get some decent sleep before you read this post. When our mind or body doesn’t get optimal rest, we can’t think clearly or make sense of any advice or help that may be offered to us.

    I will try to provide my perspective here and I hope you will take it in a positive light. First of all, congratulations for stepping forward and seeking help. You have already started on your divine journey but now you need proper guidance and support to make it through.

    – bad choices equals bad consequences. There is no running away from this simple equation. It doesn’t matter what made you choose bad choices over good but you have done some actions and as you sow as you will reap. We all have to do it in this world in some form or other. When we sow a seed of tomato, we don’t expect to find a mango tree in a few months in its place. A tomato seed will grow into a tomato plant.

    – as you accept above, you will find it easier to forgive yourself for the actions you have carried. Once, you have forgiven yourself, you will be able to let go of the guilt and find the solace that your heart seeks. That’s when your true inner journey will begin. Have patience.

    – there are 2 types of wealth in this world – financial (cash) and blessings. When we increase our financial wealth, there is no guarantee that our happiness or mental peace index will increase. However, when we accumulate blessings, we become wealthy in a true sense as our happiness and peace index reaches infinite. Not many people understand this as we are too caught up in the materialism and have lost our sense of purpose in the world. To understand this principle, you need a spiritual teacher who can guide you on your journey and take you under their wings.

    – A person is never bad or good in a spiritual sense. It is someone’s action which is classified as bad or good. It is easy to change an action as we all have a choice to choose everything, which relates to us. We can’t change other peoples action or behaviour but we can control ours. When you are past your guilt, you will be able to work on your actions and be more mindful of choosing actions, which bring peace and happiness. Don’t choose actions that bring someone’s curse or bad vibes into your life. We often know, which those actions are but still continue to carry them out due to ignorance. Wake up !!

    – there is a simple way of increasing your positivity or peace index. Make a food donation to needy and children. They provide so much heart felt blessings and it will help to counteract some of your negativity. Mind you, the money used for food donation has to be hard earned with a pure intention. You can’t ask someone to buy the food for you and donate. You need to be part of it and be there serving those needy people. It needs to come from your heart. Yes, initially, you will have a selfish motive as you want to raise your positivity index but over time, this will become a selfless act and bring a lot of happiness in your life.

    – no one can erase your bad actions but with time, meditation, selfless service and purity of intention, you will be able to transform your current existence into a more divine presence. Don’t give up. I accept you for who you are and you did what you did as it seemed right to you then. Now you want to change things for the better and may you find all the help you need to make it through.

    Loads of positive energy coming your way. I am sure your higher self will get all the help you need as you take more positive steps forward. You still need medical attention so don’t give up on that.

    Jasmine

    April 18, 2014 at 12:51 am #54982
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    I’ll offer you my point of view, which isn’t really based on any particular teaching, but is just how I view this world. I don’t claim my view to be any kind of absolute truth. Just something I’ve observed in myself and in others. So handle my words with a healthy amount of skepticism, but try to keep an open mind 🙂

    I think we are all tender and vulnerable, but then life happens and we experience things that hurt us deeply. We get scared, and while we’re scared and seek for protection and understanding from others, our pleas for help might be dismissed. Left to our own devices, we start to create these shields at a very young age and as a result, we have these rather immature ways of coping with stressful situations. When we feel under threat, we automatically summon this bigger, meaner big brother or sister, that quickly hurts the person back who tried to hurt us. Or who we perceived to be hurting us. I think that we all have these reactionary sides to our personality. It might be the only way to feel safe when we are younger and feel powerless. When we get older, we start to suffer from the consequences of those actions, so it’s time to learn new ways to protect ourselves.

    I personally don’t see evil as some kind of force. I see it as a void, where love and compassion has seized to exist for what ever reason. Darkness can not exist when there is light, but when the light goes out, everything becomes dark and cold again.

    In my humble opinion, you need to start tending to your tender and vulnerable core. Give more room for the part of you that is in desperate need to be seen and heard, to be loved and respected. You can’t outsource that, though it is of course a good idea to seek people who are kind and loving (and try to steer clear from those who also try to suppress their emotions). Speaking from experience, it is not easy. To open up, even when alone, seems to trigger this other part that was created to protect from hurt. It requires a lot of time and patience to learn how to calm down when things inside your mind gets heated. Probably a lot of painful thoughts come to the surface, and you’ll have to acknowledge them. What has happened, has happened, and it can’t be changed now. Reality needs to be acknowledged and accepted, but you can do it without passing judgment. You’ll probably realise that when you can look at things with love and compassion, guilt and shame turn into sadness and deep understanding. You accept responsibility and forgive yourself.

    You have the possibility to oversee these different parts of yourself; the vulnerable part that feels like other people are taking advantage of, and the aggressive counterpart that reacts to the hurt with actions that get you into trouble. Nobody can actually take advantage of you without your permission. When we’re children and teenagers, it’s a different story, but as adults, we can set boundaries and we are in charge of what we give and receive. You don’t have to borrow money to anyone, even if they ask or try to guilt trip you. You can say “no”. If you do decide to lend money, only lend as much as you can afford to lose. If someone doesn’t pay you back, then that’s their wrongful actions, not yours. That is just an example, but I think it’s good for you to recognize that you actually have power over yourself and your own life. Set your boundaries and also give more room for your neglected self. No other person can do this for you. As you experienced, even a therapist can completely fail to see and hear you, as they are too busy focusing on the superficial. But you know yourself and you know what you need deep down. So give yourself that what you need.

    There’s this documentary that I’d like to share with you. It is about Vipassana meditation and how it was used in a prison in India. The documentary actually made me want to take a Vipassana course, which I will some day (they only have one once per year in my country). I think it is a wonderful story of how one can come to terms with the painful reality and learn to react to it with compassion, rather than avoidance. You can watch the whole documentary in YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkxSyv5R1sg

    I actually have been writing this for about an hour already + some ruminating in my mind before that. It’s difficult, because I know exactly what I want to tell you and make you see, but it is so difficult to put it into words and to organize the thoughts that are actually feelings. You are loved and already forgiven, you are seen and heard, but you just don’t know it yet.

    Having a tender and vulnerable spirit doesn’t take away from your masculinity, by the way. A man with a kind and loving heart is much more powerful than a man who denies his own humanity.

    April 18, 2014 at 5:16 am #54985
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks The Ruminant. What a beautiful talent you have ! Such articulation and warmth in your words that I have learnt few things myself. Thanks for sharing. J

    April 23, 2014 at 1:10 am #55232
    S B
    Participant

    Matt,

    Stepping into your shoes for a moment is easy for me, We have lived similar lives. All I can surmise right now, is that like me, you may carry an accursed karma from a past life (the saying: “karma to burn” applies). While you are truly a peaceful soul, you attract difficult situations into your life. I know what this is like. The friends you have who may be treating you like a doormat, while seemingly superficial, will still be important. If you can open up to them, it may be more beneficial in the long run than a shrink (never liked them either). When you feel as though you need to put your foot down, just remember that its a test, and raising your kamma is easier by being accepting of others rather than trying to assert yourself in a destructive way.

    My two suggestions for you, one, do some volunteer or charity work, become a big brother, do selfless acts with no expectation of reward (legal ones ;)) it will not change anything overnight, weekly, or even in a month, but once you establish a pattern of living selflessly, you become more in tune with your higher self. secondly, to deal with the nightmares & hallucinations, look up how to perform “yoni mudra” and do this while lying down in bed for about 5-10 minutes each night. You will likely still dream and have visions, but it is all part of a process of spiritual cleansing and growth. Aside from that, there is a certain 3 letter substance which inhibits dreaming…..but I would recommend trying the mudra first.

    good luck, you are loved.

    April 27, 2014 at 12:11 pm #55454
    Shoua
    Participant

    who we choose to be today does not have to be who we were yesterday. From your story you appear to be passive aggressive to the extreme. As if you somehow drew a big line in the middle between the two personalities and you can no longer connect the two. For me personally, life is about balance. I was once passive aggressive but never to the point of hurting anyone. The way that I see it is this, we never learned how to properly deal with our emotions/feelings. Because emotions and feelings are not easy to interpret, we do what we always did in the past. When you take aggressive to the extreme, you lose control of who you are because you never released any of the past anger. Don’t you see how your past passive behavior feeds your future aggression and vice versa? You are in an endless loop because your passive side does not relate to your aggressive side and vice versa. They hate each other’s qualities, passive hates how you hurt and how out of control you are and aggressive hates how you never do anything and how it always has to do something to get results. What needs to happen is YOU have to step in and bring the two together. YOU have to make the conscious effort to not be a doormat nor live a life of violence, YOU are the only one who can change your life. No one can do that for you. All it takes to reign these two in is to mesh them into one, give passive a backbone and give aggressive some compassion and one day you will see the perfection in living with the two as separate and then in union. If not, you’ll just be a bipolar and crazy. No matter what, it’s your choice how you choose to live your life. I do not mean to offend you with any of this, I am simply offering you the truth as I see it.

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