Gavin, I feel for you and can relate to the loneliness that can sometimes accompany personal growth. I also feel a bit listless these days. As much as I try to drum up enthusiasm for things, it falls flat. I try to accept things as they are because maybe now is not the time to pursue more activity. It seems you’ve found contentment to a certain extent – being able to center yourself and find happiness in the present moment. But then there’s a desire for more. I too desire a loving relationship. I feel in conflict because I understand happiness comes from within me, yet I reminisce about all the extremely happy and wonderful times shared with a past partner and fantasize about having similiar feelings in the future. I think people in general often look externally for happiness. How do you balance the desire to find happiness within yourself against the risk of becoming isolated and lacking interaction with the outside world and other people? Is a desire for a loving relationship tantamount to looking externally for happiness? I don’t know. As for finding a partner, like Stripes says we should allow it to happen naturally, but at the same time I’m a firm believer in creating the world you want to live in and going after the things you desire. All of this is very difficult to reconcile. Perhaps we are overthinking things.

My ruminations are likely not helpful to you, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

Gavin,

Sometimes when we find some inner peace, we mistake the relief for joy, and begin to feel as though “that’s all there is”. Much like a being that walks through a forest of brambles finds great comfort sitting down, pulling the thorns and briars from their skin. A great relief. But happiness? Contentment?

From a different angle, consider that meditation and breath is very peaceful, and helps calm the mind. This brings much peace, much expansiveness. Much like erasing all the old lines from the canvas, a fresh, clean slate. However, its false to think “happiness is a clean slate, a blank canvas”. Happiness arises from skillful painting, from acting skillfully. Breathing is part of that, right concentration an aspect of the path. But what is it you’re doing with the space that you make? What do you see? Materialism? Impermanence? Apathy?

Sometimes when people approach Buddhist philosophy without a teacher, they get a false, conceptual view of emptiness, of impermanence, of suffering. We see a flower blooming, and turn away from its beauty… the mind stepping in and saying “there is no beauty there, the flower an empty thing, meaningless to me.” Mu! False! There is real beauty there, just impermanent. The flower’s qualities are sensual, pleasing, fragrant, radiant. As we let the flower be that for us, dance for us in such a way, it becomes like a shooting star across our view. Yes, beautiful as it arises, and accepted that the bloom will wither when it does, in its own time. But while its there, while we’re here, alive, there is beauty, joy. Settling attachments isn’t about trying to put distance between ourselves and the flower, such as refusing to see the beauty. Rather, its in pulling back, accepting that perceiving such a thing is a wonder, even if only for a single breath before it withers.

The whole “why love a flower that is only going to die” approaches from the wrong end, from the clinging to happiness. Said differently, when we see beauty, we do grieve its passing. In small amounts for small things, such as little bits of silence and melancholy after seeing a radiant sunset. And big amounts for big things, such as the tears and grief of seeing a loved one lost. Don’t be afraid of the grief, afraid that just because the flower withers that its beauty must be avoided to avoid the pain of grief. As you come back to the cushion, over and over, the flower remains beautiful, becomes even moreso, as we respect how momentary its blossom really is. The same is true of romantic love. Yes, its true that lovers grieve when their partners go, from death or disinterest, but those moments of being hand in hand, exploring the cosmos with a friend, partner…are far more beautiful than the grief is painful. The beauty and pain are both impermament, so why fret either? Better to relax, sing, play, dance and weep… and as we return to the cushion, work to abandon the unskillful and grow the skillful. Then, getting up refreshed, dance another few songs. Then sit, settle. Over time, this grows authentic happiness, rooted contentment, unshakable truth. IMHO, of course.

With warmth,
Matt

It sounds like you need some sense of purpose in life. I think a huge problem is the being alone part. Whether you’re introverted or not, we are social creatures and need relationships in life. A monk in a cave does no one any good. When he mingles amongst us and shares his insights, then the world benefits and becomes a better place. If you have skills, you can use them in some way to help others. I don’t know what kind of art you do, but you don’t have to limit it to what you’ve always done. Try making a motto for yourself. There is something you can feel passionate about. Find your “path” and there just might be a lady nearby who would love to take the walk with you.

You know what might be a really good exercise for you? And for me, actually, as well! To go to a social setting, what ever it is. It can be anything, like a local pub or gathering or anything. Even a support group! Anything where people are going to talk to you. Then you would just listen to them with an open mind and an open heart, without any expectations or assumptions. Men, women, young, old… Just allow them to speak and listen to them and give them attention. I don’t know what I think would happen, but for some reason I think it might be a good idea. Perhaps I’m just projecting my own problems with connecting with people. I’m now assuming that most of the problems come from me already assuming that another person couldn’t possibly understand me or be “on the same level” with me. It sounds horribly judgmental and…it is! I have a problem with dismissing people and thinking that they’re all terribly shallow and uninteresting, but I think there’s an error in my perception.

Somehow I’m thinking that you might be suffering from a similar thought pattern. Perhaps you’re dismissing perfectly wonderful women before even getting to know them? Who knows. They might actually teach you something new! 🙂

“How do you meet new people when you’re both afflicted with a certain level of shyness, self-inflicted cynicism about your own worth and have a lack of interests?”

I still say try changing your habits one at a time. There are many self-help books on Amazon for this purpose (Miracle Morning, The Power of Habit…). You have many, many thoughts. Maybe you could try balancing your thoughts with your “doing.” Do more, think less.