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Emotional abuse?

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  • March 24, 2014 at 4:02 pm #53468
    kayla
    Participant

    I feel like I have been emotionally abused by my mother for most of my life and I’m just realizing it now. I’m 21 and have social anxiety and have had depressions in the past. There are so many things that my mom has done to me that it would take forever to explain everything so i’ll just briefly describe some of the things she has done. For as long as I can remember she has always tried to put me down in front of my family, she says i’m a brat, im spoiled, ungrateful, I only think about myself when we have family dinner and all my aunts and uncles are around and there is about 15 of them. She’s told me before that I have ugly eyes but when I say something about it she goes “oh i was just kidding your eyes look just like mine” She called her friend on the phone one time ( this was when I was in High school) and said that I was being such and bitch and that she wanted to punch me in the face. She has also accused me on various occasions of lying to her about the dumbest things that I wouldn’t lie about. Also my parents are not together and when I was about 14 we moved and starting living with her husband at the time. While we lived there she was gone all the time and her husband didn’t like me, she also slept all day tried to force me and her husband to be together and be “father and daughter” she also wouldn’t let me ever visit my grandmom and if i did she would come. If we get into a little argument she threatens to stop paying for my school etc. and when we finally moved in with my grandmom she acts like she did it because she knew that I was miserable which is a lie because she could have let my stay at my grams house. To this day she manipulates me, so that I get angry at my family members when in reality they didn’t do anything that she said. I thought that she was getting better but i guess its because i go to college and im not home anymore. But I have a brother who is 9 and my grandmom recently told me that she does the same things to him that she did to me. I don’t really know what to do or how to move on from it and i don’t want my brother to have to go through what i went through because i feel like it really has messed me up and i am still trying to put the pieces of my life back together.

    March 24, 2014 at 8:43 pm #53501
    Al
    Participant

    Kayla,

    You have my deepest apologies for the suffering you have experienced and are still experiencing.

    As I have stated to other members who have posted similarly about their parents, it is important for us to stay compassionate to their cause. We all walk different paths and it’s possible that your mother may have walked an arduous one in her younger years resulting in her current self. Perhaps she may never have had a positive influence to help her in her personal ordeals. Or perhaps she’s been unable to develop positivity due to the ever increasing extremities of our society. The possibilities for her current behavior are nearly endless hence why we must stay understanding and loving for those who may not have been given proper guidance.

    As for how to move on, you take the lessons you’ve learned from this experience and apply to your being. Without being overly direct, do your best to find what this experience has taught you and apply it to your life how you see fit. Also, while correct in your concern for your brother, it is also correct to want to put your own life back together. Sometimes, we are dealt with these dilemmas and we must simply do our best to assess the best course of action. Sadly, however, this does not guarantee a win/win outcome. All we can ever do is try. It may also help to understand that while we may be currently powerless that our predicaments may change in the future. With this acknowledgment, hope is never lost and we are always given other chances to rectify things.

    Meanwhile, do not overstress. As the Dalai Lama once said, ‘Ff a problem has an answer then there is no need to worry, for it can be answered. If a problem has no answer, still there is no need to worry for there is nothing to be done and so we would be stressing needlessly’. If you come to view your situation through this quote, you will find a great truth which will grant you much needed ease. Simply continue your quest to further self improvement and happiness.

    I am sorry if this was of little help but I am confident that my fellow colleagues will come to contribute.

    Stay strong,

    Al

    March 25, 2014 at 8:12 am #53508
    Lorelei
    Participant

    Kayla,

    I have had a similar situation with my own mom. A lot of things sound very similar, like that my mom has held financial authority over me and threatened to stop paying for my education. As many other things, these threats were empty and I will be graduating in May (I am now 23 years old). I am doing my best to become financially independent so that this is not something she can use against me in the future. She has also made comments about my physical appearance and tends to attempt to manipulate my decisions, which then leaves me feeling as though she is trying to live through me.

    I sought counseling a few years ago, as I felt that the damage from this relationship was catching me in a trap that my negativity began to resemble my mother. My counselor suggested a book for me, Walking on Eggshells, as she believed borderline personality disorder (BPD) may be the root of my mother’s behaviors. Perhaps you can visit your library or bookstore or Google BPD to see if this information might help you in some way. I think this may be related to your situation because you mentioned that small arguments would escalate into emotional abuse, etc. There is no way to truly diagnose this disorder, but if this is related to your mom’s behaviors, perhaps it can help you understand her struggles and what may be influencing her words and behaviors.

    I have, however, been fortunate to have a supportive father who is very calm and in control of his feelings, and he has shared advice with me. At the end of the day, we cannot control or influence anyone’s actions but our own. We are ultimately in control of our emotions and we can only hope for healing for our loved one who may not realize how deeply they are hurting us. Perhaps with some meditation on this, you can find words and coping strategies that work, and you can pass them on to your brother, as my father has done for me.

    I am newer to meditation and Buddhist teachings, so does this seem like a sound way of handling emotional abuse? Is there anything else that can be done? Most of my emotional triggers (like 99%) and anxiety are related to issues with my mother. How can we show compassion so someone whom we feel anxious around?

    L

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Lorelei.
    March 25, 2014 at 12:25 pm #53517
    kayla
    Participant

    Thank you for answering!
    Al I do realize that my mom has had a rough childhood as she has told me things that have happened to her, because of that I don’t hate her or anything like that, but it seems when I don’t hate her I fall right back into her trap of her manipulating me etc. I wonder sometimes if I should say something to her about it maybe suggesting that she should get help but I am terrified of what she would do to me if I ever said anything like that to her.

    Thanks Lorelei I will check out the book as well as look up BPD. I do meditate and It does help but I sometimes still feel stuck. Since I just kind of figured out that my mom may be emotionally abusive I haven’t told anyone except on this forum. And I don’t know how to say it or who to tell. It’s just upsetting because you don’t want to think that your mother is constantly lying to you or going to snap at you for no reason. I know I am always afraid to tell her things because I don’t know how she will react. Should I keep pretending that nothing is wrong with our relationship or should I attempt to say something to her?

    March 25, 2014 at 8:02 pm #53548
    Al
    Participant

    I must apologize. Perhaps I should have gathered my thoughts more properly before I posted a reply for dwelling on your matter further has revealed more, and perhaps more helpful, things for me to say.

    I should have replied with the fact that I have experienced similarly with my mother. However, once I took into account all that she has encountered, experienced and suffered (to the best of my abilities) I found that the best way to help her was simply with love. It is possible that your mother may have been neglected with the essential elements to develop into a (more) positive being. Fortunately, these are things that can be taught, no matter what our age.

    What has worked for me was so simple that I was quite upset at myself for not having thought of it a lot earlier. As I stated, I showered my mother with love. Around and with her, I made sure to initiate in positive conversations, to joke, to reveal some of my weaknesses, to assist her whenever I could (cooking, cleaning, etc…), to accompany her on errands, take her shopping all the while keeping a positive attitude. Thankfully, and normally, staying positive around someone you care for was easy. Sometimes, all someone needs is to feel appreciated in order to possibly find within themselves that they are a beautiful being and more. However, do understand that your mother, like mine, was ‘malnourished’ for a number of years and that it will take time before she senses a familiar warmth within her. Additionally, this display around her may help get you closer and has the chance to offer the opportunity for you to convey some of your feelings. I would advise to only share a little at a time, however. Slowly but surely is often times the best way.

    Also, if this behavior is something you are not fully comfortable with (as can be the case for some people/families), then again, slowly but surely will lead the way. You do not have to exhibit all of these behaviors at once. Start with baby steps and implement it all over a long period. It will definitely help if you keep a loving heart towards your mother while doing these things, as should be the case. Doing so will definitely help. Effort will be required on your part. If this is important to you then you will not neglect it. After all, it is peace and happiness that we seek, no? And we all deserve it.

    I hope this reply is of better help to you. If you need further assistance you can always count on this community.

    Best of luck to you,

    Al

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