Hey ! I’m just writing back because I know how it feels to be down on yourself and it sucks. I know how you don’t want to hear any positive and that sucks to. I’m 20 years old, 5’4 and thin super thin. I’m always complimented on my looks and my figure. So honestly I really have at a young age come to the conclusion how you look isn’t everything it’s not the be all end all. Next I’ve been my whole life and still kind of obsessed with the concept of wanting someone to want me. To prove to me that I’m worthy of whatever the heck I think they can give me but through a lot of stuff I’ve gathered a lot of the opposite opinions that I’m still trying to use in application. So as you should be getting I don’t have everything figured out but I have the wisdom that I need to start applying.

As woman we are so caught up in the concept of men making us important and it’s not true. It sounds so cliche but you have yourself you need to love yourself you need to realize that either way people are people they come and go. If all your happiness relates back to a person you’ll be screwed. Of course i’m in college so I have hookups but I’ve gotten to the point where I can detach from the thought that if it doesn’t work out it makes me worthless.

I don’t want to seem like I am rambling but I want you to know that you need to love yourself. If it helps think of Kanye West lol. You can’t tell him he doesn’t deserve everything single or not. Moral of the story a man doesn’t make you beautiful as women we need to stop looking for the interest and affection of men to determine our worth. If you fall in love with yourself someone loving you, wanting you is a bonus. I know that sounds hard, and I’m definitely still trying you can see my post on here but with each guy that a situation doesn’t work out with I get thru it stronger. I’ can handle my thoughts better.

Educate yourself on where these feelings come from and you’ll see. Very seldom does a man let women affect his view on himself to THIS degree.

EJ, I feel for you. The other posters have offered some nice words of wisdom. I feel a bit helpless in trying to offer you comfort because you’ve said you’ve tried everything already and you’re not looking for a pep talk….. I’m not going to tell you that you’re right, you’re ugly and worthless and you just have to live with that because I don’t believe it.

Have you considered a gratitude journal? Each day writing down one great thing about the day or your life. It might help you to bring focus to the positive you have in your life. You volunteer and you have friends – you’re out there living life. It takes a courageous, strong, generous person to do those things.

As far as physical appearance, yes, there are people who judge based on that and it’s unfortunate. I can tell you though that a lot of a person’s beauty comes from within, how she carries herself, if there’s a smile on her face. If she takes pride in her appearance by wearing flattering clothes, and so on. And I do believe that people are attracted to others for a variety of reasons – yes, even because she volunteers at an animal shelter. I had a relationship with someone you would not describe as conventionally handsome, or even close. But he made me laugh every day and I enjoyed his company.

You have nothing to prove to anybody except yourself. It’s tragic that your parents made you feel the way you did as a child, but to paraphrase one of my favorite quotes, how about trying to be the parent of your future rather than the offspring of your past? Every morning we have a new chance.

Look at those sweet animals you volunteer to help. A dog is happy all the time, no matter what he looks like or others think of him. I strive to be as happy as my dog.

I’m turning 35 next month and I am single. Most of my friends are married, with children or having babies on the way. I too long for a partner in life but I know I have to make my life the best it can be in case it doesn’t happen for me. Maybe it would help to practice a different kind of visualization: instead of visualizing a loving relationship by Christmas, for example, how about imagine being happy? Having a loving relationship with yourself?

Hugs to you.

I’m with you, EJ. I don’t have any good advice, but I’m struggling with the same thing. I’m 40 and single, and all of my friends have paired off and moved on with their lives. I’m trying to be okay with the concept of being alone—over the years, I’ve done therapy, meds, volunteering, adult ed, etc. But I still feel lonely and sad. And it’s hard.

Dear EJ/Reader:

EJ, March 2014: “I would appreciate advice on how to get through life when I know it will never get better. I’ve tried every form of therapy/meds you can think of, and nothing worked. I’m not looking for sympathy or pep talks, I just want solid advice on how to get by each day. I belong to groups, volunteer, etc. but I still feel completely empty and worthless. I’m alone, pushing 50, work a low-paying job I hate. I’m the classic case of bad childhood = miserable adult. I’ve always been ugly and was teased about this all through childhood. Apparently, people think if you’re ugly you have no feelings. I was molested by a family member when I was young. When I was 18 my dad told me no man would ever want me. I’ve been trying to prove him wrong ever since, but I can’t. Yeah, at the height of my bulimia when I weighed 103 lbs. at 5’4″ I got asked out (men overlook ugly if you are skinny) but now I’m fat & haven’t had a date in over 5 years. When my mom died suddenly last year, I realized I’d never have the chance to prove to her that I’m not a failure. The point is, I realize my typical little-girl dream of falling in love and getting married is never going to happen… So how do I stop the voice in my head that constantly points out how fat, ugly and worthless I am? How do I get by each day being the only loser who can’t get a man? Not to be offensive but I don’t want perky advice from married people. I need to know how other single people cope in a world that revolves around beautiful couples… I’m not going to just stop believing I’m ugly because I have a mirror. And in spite of all the fluffy b.s. people try to tell me, I’m fully aware that women are judge by appearance. I’ve yet to hear a man say he asked a girl out because she volunteers at an animal shelter” –

– you expressed that you know that you are ugly, and that you know that you are a “loser who can’t get a man”, indicating that anyone who tells you otherwise is b.s.-ing you. You asked for advice on how to get through life when you know that it will never get better. I will therefore not argue with you that you are not ugly, or that you might be beautiful on the inside, that there are men who will see you as beautiful, etc. And I will not give you the pep-talk you asked to not be given, nor will I suggest that you attend more therapy, join support groups, volunteer, etc., all that you said you did/ are doing but none of it works.

I will argue with you in regard to something you stated that is definitely untrue. It’s not about something you stated about yourself (a person I never met and with whom I am therefore unfamiliar); it’s about something you stated about the world- the world that I am familiar with.

You stated that the world revolves around beautiful couples (“a world that revolves around beautiful couples”) – the only “world” that revolves around beautiful couples is the Hollywood celebrity world, such as depicted in certain magazines available on the checkout stands in supermarket, or on certain shows on TV that people watch so to forget about… the real world.  Much of the real world revolves (and has revolved from the beginning of time) around abuse, such as what you experienced growing up with your parents, and when teased by people about the way you look.

Fast forward almost 8 years since you posted, and the real world revolves around people suffering from escalated climate change, a 3rd year pandemic with its devastating economic, political, physical and mental health consequences, a world of ongoing political corruption and increasing radicalization, intolerance and expanding autocracy. The world is very, very far from revolving around beautiful couples. If you see the world the way it is, you will be able to answer the questions you brought up in your thread.

anita