Advice sought: married but never expected my spouse's non-existent past

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This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 8 months ago by Anyone.

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March 2, 2014 at 12:16 pm #52084

Keith
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We are a same-sex couple married in Massachusetts living in Florida. I mention this only so you don’t get confused when you see he/him/his but no she/her. We are both in our 50s. Neither of us had been married before (not an option for gay people before 2004 or so).

I met “Joe” 7 years ago and we got married 5 years ago. When we dated, I never met any of his friends, but t his didn’t see strange to me. His parents had had some financial issues after they retired and they lived with him here in Florida. He worked in a law firm. He never discussed work much because the firm deals with high profile cases and he couldn’t talk about them at all.

After we got married, his dad had cancer and was very sick. Joe took off work through the medical leave act to take care of his dad because his mom is just too old to provide lifting, cleaning, nonstop care that Joe’s dad needed. When his dad passed away, Joe didn’t go back to work. He said he had six months or so. Then he said the company would carry him on their insurance. ETC.

Long story short: We were going to my financial planner to do an update to what our finances would be like since we were a couple and I hadn’t updated my stuff in 3 years or so. Joe procrastinated big time. Finally, the morning of the appointment, he confessed that : 1. he had no money at all saved up for retirement 2. he never had that law job here 3. for the first 2 years? 3 years? of our relationship, he got up early, got dressed, and then went to his parent’s house (oh, his parents didn’t live with him in his place as he’d told me; he actually lived with them) 4. he had had under the table work working on art projects but he had not had a paycheck. 5. As I tried to see about his social security payment potential (you know the .gov site that tells you your social security possible payment based on earnings so far), I was shocked to find out that in his 46 years on this planet, he had not worked 7 years (the minimum) in a job that took out social security, so as of today, he will not get social security upon retirement.

I have worked my tail off my entire life. I came from food stamps, no running water, outhouses, etc. I of course have been ready to mix finances totally. I actually had set up a living trust making him eligible for everything upon my death, etc. (This is because we are not married in the state of Florida’s eyes.)

So in a nutshell, the person I love the most in the world and with whom I’ve built a life lied about everything. I have no doubt he loves me, but the man has no friends, stays home and keeps the house and yard spotless, but this is not what I signed up for. I”m now 55 and am planning retirement, but this was based on ONE because my spouse would of course have something, too.

I should add that I have 2 jobs, my day job and a very good but small publishing company. I set up the company plan to include my partner so he now has insurance and a retirement account (401K), but I’m actually paying for this.

We went to counseling for 3 sessions, but I don’t think he was a good counselor. I’m not sure what a good one was, but he was just not useful. I agreed with Joe that the counselor seemed not to know about our situation very well, etc.

It never ever occurred to me to ask my future spouse if he REALLY had a job… or to ask to see a pay stub or some documentation???

If ANYONE has ANY advice, I am all ears. I just don’t have a clue about this.

March 2, 2014 at 1:06 pm #52086

Kelly
Participant

Oh Keith, I am so sorry to hear this. It must be devastating to find all this out. I would feel horribly deceived and hopeless. What do you want? If you’re able to get past the deception, can Joe give you what you need? I’m sorry I have no concrete advice for you. Perhaps you could try another counselor, since you had a poor experience with the one you saw?

March 2, 2014 at 8:03 pm #52109

The Ruminant
Participant

Shame and guilt can make people do and say the weirdest things. A small lie made up to avoid a painful situation feeds the shame and guilt even more, and more lies are needed to continue avoiding the inevitable. Some people aren’t that good at planning the practical side of life nor are career oriented. In the eyes of the society, that makes those people weak and useless. They may do other things like take care of other people, but that doesn’t make them strong and desirable.

Your husband chose the wrong way to deal with the situation and that added to his shame, which he now has to deal with. You need to deal with the feeling of betrayal. You both need to deal with the practicalities of what this all means. It’s not going to be easy, but if you don’t deal with it, it will just continue the spiral of avoiding discussing painful things. I know you didn’t choose to participate in that spiral, but we all have to go through some situations that make us say “it’s not fair, I didn’t do anything to deserve this”. Expecting fairness is one of the traps that we create for ourselves that cause pain and frustration.

March 3, 2014 at 12:41 am #52140

Keith
Participant

Thank you, Kelly, for this advice.

March 3, 2014 at 12:51 am #52141
Keith
Participant
Thank you for responding. We talked today, and there was no shouting, just each saying what they felt. It was productive. I love him, and he loves me. I am 55 and for the first time ever, retirement seems like it’s closer since I turned 55. (My new age bracket is 55-64 on forms now!)

I asked him to sign a document (like a prenuptial agreement but after the fact/wedding) stating that our own things belong to the original owner in the case of a divorce. He agreed to do this. (My lawyer said this was one safety net for me.)

You’re right that this will keep spiraling in my head unless I have a feeling that I’ve protected myself. As I told Joe today, if I’d known that he didn’t own a house (no big deal for me) or have a job (this is a big deal) or any retirement money saved up at age 45 (big deal), I would have married him, BUT I would have gotten us to sign a prenuptial agreement.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. Very much appreciated… and I also appreciate this site a lot for letting me just say what I’ve said here.

Why do I seem extra agitated or concerned about money here (besides being 55)? I should also add that as a gay couple, we cannot get divorced in Florida because Florida does not recognize any same-sex marriages. This means that I in theory and in reality could have an indefinite legal tie and financial responsibility to Joe. In order for us to get a divorce in Massachusetts, one of us would have to move there and establish residency for a YEAR. (So you see why this gay marriage state by state patchwork situation is very problematic.)

Again, THANK YOU
- This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Keith.
March 3, 2014 at 1:25 am #52143

The Ruminant
Participant

Thank you for sharing your story. This may sound really odd, but I see a feel good love story in all of this. You are both in a psychologically scary and straining situation. You need to re-establish the truth and have the pressure of being tied to another person. He is completely at your mercy with an uncertain future. Those are huge issues and very stressful. Yet you are able to discuss them and you clearly love each other. If you can get through this fearful time with love and compassion, then that is just beautiful. So much potential for growth and learning.

I also have to commend you for your approach. We all hide things because we are ashamed and scared. When those things come out, it makes a huge difference how other people respond. We are all more or less scared and traumatized by reality, which is why we escape it and create illusions. Some more than others. So when we are forced to face the reality, it shows real kindness to help others in facing it and not make it scarier than it already is. After we do get back to reality, it’s such an empowering feeling that we wonder, why did we ever try to escape it in the first place. But that’s what people do, when they get overwhelmed.

March 3, 2014 at 1:35 am #52144

Anyone
Participant

Keith,

What has happened has happened. Now the question arises, what next?

It seems your partner hid about his job out of guilt and shame factor; but also 5 years is quite long time to be holding this critical info from spouse.

You know your spouse better than anyone else here…

So….

1) If you think your partner is loyal to you otherwise, apart from this financial faux pas, and considering he won’t hide anymore. (Aah…also good for you to ask him if there’s anything else he is hiding from you, ask him to be true to you and you will have the answer for most of your questions/concerns) go ahead but you will have to walk on eggs.

2) About consulting Financial Planners, I personally don’t believe much in them, it’s always better to manage our finance ourselves, of course with some tips from friends/colleagues and general know-how. Specially in the situation you’re in. All I mean, trust your instincts more than anybody else’s.

I’m not sure if your query is confined to the financial part or beyond this.

Try to know everything about your spouse from all aspects!

Lots of strength and courage to you…

God Bless you!
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