I’m a young male in my mid twenties currently living with a large group of friends in a big city. It’s been a rough winter, and I’m struggling to re calibrate my identity and self worth after a series of life changing events this past year that brought me to this living situation. I’ve sunken into a hole where I know what it takes to climb out, i already did once. But I cannot justify applying the sentiment to myself for some reason. I don’t feel worthy, and I feel like I’m constantly coloring the future with my resentment of the past.

Over the spring I became engaged to a young woman whom I had met as a teenager and we managed to stay together for 7 tumultuous years. I had broken up with her last winter because I believed I was giving so much of myself to her that I literally had nothing left for myself. It was, to be frank an ALL or NOTHING relationship. She looked with suspicion upon everything I did that didn’t involve her, she was not supportive of me following my passions as a writer and a musician. It was honestly to point where I felt like it was either a future pursuing my passions, or a lifetime of excitement on consumer comforts where your only joy in the day is which restaurant to go to dinner together. We had already crossed every line of dignity and respect every human deserves, we had no reservations about bashing each other to death during the most simple argument. I broke up with her last winter, then in the spring I asked her to marry me after some time apart.

I had spoken to my parents, among others I trusted and loved explaining my grief over dumping her, but feeling like I was losing myself by being with her. My parents replied that real love is selfless, and that if I truly want to be with her it’s not always going to be exciting. My father said he would do anything for my mother, and I felt guilty for wanting to pursue my dreams and acting like she was the reason I could not. I went against my gut instinct and tried to make it work with an engagement. We were happy for a few months again, reborn if you will. Until I discovered that she was still involved with a man who had long been a thorn in my side with her. The man was unequivocally obsessed with her and she loved the attention, drama, instability because it provided some excitement to a pretty mundane existence we were both living. I left her, no strings attached. It was hurtful for her to have done, but it was long overdo for us. I had to leave. I still have not spoken to her since in any meaningful way, something I never thought I would be able to do. I was incredibly depressed in the deepest hole feeling so alone. I had no idea the change I was about the undergo.

I moved in with my best friends in a large house to spend my first serious time single and alone. I left them in September to backpack to California for two months. Along the way I completely and utterly fell for the most amazing young woman I have yet to meet in my life. She possesses all the loving, nurturing traits that counteract my cold stoicism. We traveled together through the fall and it was exciting because I knew at some point it would end. She was easy to love because she was beautiful and had the sexiest thing of all- an amazing singing voice. I was fearless, I looked forward and almost never back. I didn’t have time for self doubt and criticism because I was too busy living the most exciting period of my life. She moved back with me to the house at the end of our travels to pursue music together.

Now that we’re not in fantasy travel land I feel my old vices returning to me and notice the past seems to be coloring every aspect of my vision now. I was very independent when I left, willing to travel alone and do anything, anywhere, anytime. The keystone of my new love’s personality is her genuine openness, kindness and friendliness. It can be the point where it borders on an intimacy that makes me uncomfortable because I feel like she is sharing that special feeling with everyone, it makes me feel like just another person she’s working her magic on. I know this is my problem, and i want her to be the most genuine version of herself, which is to be outgoing and the darling of the room. I need to be more open with myself about how she is, and accept it.

Not only do I fear losing her, which I swore that I would not go down that path again (I was going to take what the universe gave me with indifference), but I also feel like her boisterous personality crowds me out (I’m more introverted and quiet) during conversations with other people and just about every social situation, even among my friends now. She’s moved into my home town and seems to be latching on to people better than I have. Despite my successes in the fields I made a decision to leave my ex for and pursue with music and writing, I feel my self spiritually slipping again becoming victim to a self fulfilling prophecy. I assume that she is going to hurt me, so I spin negativity into our relationship which will further drive us apart. I find myself getting further isolated and more introverted. Part of the issue for me is that she is the spiritual, happy go lucky beauty queen, and I’m sort of used to having to be opposed by a significant other, so I feel that we can’t occupy the same niche. I find myself rejecting love, being more cynical and fearful, needing more attention. Every degree that she opens up, I seem to close myself. This was the opposite of my intention in our relationship, it was supposed to be something different, but here I am doing the same stupid things that I swore I would not bring back to life. My sense of humor is self deprecating now to say the least. I feel like the positive changes I made after such pain are being reversed again, but I want to stay with her. I just want to know how do I assert myself as an introvert and not be overshadowed by such a big personality? She is not doing anything wrong, why do I feel like I’m the one slipping?