Hello Lotus, Wow you sound like an amazing strong woman! You have been through so much in your life and have accomplished so much ! You need to understand though that we all get these phases where we feel upset and remember only the bad things in life , but trust me the real you is still there , you are still the beautiful spiritual person you once use to be , you just have to calm yourself down enough to re connect with her. Have you tried guided meditations? Or reading spiritual books? Or say taking up a hobby that you have always wanted to take but for some reason you did not do it? Try to get your life back to feeling like a life! Look for passions and something that you know you use to like before. Maybe you could watch your children , you can learn so much from watching how happy and mindful they are. You could also remember to count your blessings even if it is as simple as the fact that you can still see the world around you and that you are strong enough to overcome everything that you have overcame . Hope this helped let me know if you have anymore Qs
AL

Lotus,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear friend, and hope you find your light rekindled soon. Consider that you’re in a very fertile time, and have the potential to turn all of this stress into joy. But how? That’s always the tricky bit, no? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that when we use “spiritual” ideas to define ourselves, we miss their point. Said differently, being a “hippy chick” and being regarded as spiritual, wise and joyful is not as nourishing as simply being happy. What happens is as we become burdened with stress, the “hippy” collapses and we realize that we’re the same schmuck we’ve always been. Then, we try to find that hippy inside us again, but where is she? She is lost! Then we feel despair, because a part of ourselves seems gone, missing.

The good news is that we can drop the whole of that cycle. It isn’t in the past, it isn’t in being a “happy person” that we find our joy, our song. Instead, it is through the day to day events, that slowly, patiently we grow our joy and contentment. We sit and play with our kids, putting aside the big questions. We mindfully chew our food, putting aside the quest to find the hippy again. Slowly, with each passing decision, each choice to fill the needs of oursevles and our loved ones, the schmuck evolves into an angel, our light rekindles, and we feel better.

To help this along, consider spending some time doing loving kindness meditation. One of the components that the “hippy” had that you are low on is personal light. This very naturally becomes snuffed out or shrouded by stressful event. Starting a metta (loving kindness) practice will help your mind become smooth, peaceful and rested. From there, the other events (work, fiancé, kids, parents) will be simpler, easier to make space for, without getting sucked in. For instance, imagine you were playing a game with the kids, and your dad calls to tell you that you’re a bitch for some reason or another. From a space of metta, his words remain about him, and are “interesting, he called me names, he must be in some kind of pain to lash like that, well, that’s his karma, his baggage”. And then, you could get back to the game without being troubled. Without that metta light, it may be “how dare you say those things to me!” and as you hang up on him, the game is ruined, and your anger and resentment prevent you from smiling with the kids, having fun. It isn’t a matter of forcing yourself to act or feel things, its about opening the space, so you have strength, resilience, and patience. Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested.

Finally, consider that sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Yes, there is bitterness and anger. That happens. However, we don’t need bitterness that we are angry, or anger that we have bitterness. We just have what we have, and letting go, growing a different way takes time, deep patience for what we do really have. It isn’t “not being angry” that grows our joy, its “patiently sitting with our anger” that does it. Consider that you are lovable, and deserving of tender attention, even (and especially) when full of painful emotions. So when we are angry, we let it be. We try to care for our anger like we would care for our fearful child. We put our arms around Lotus, tell her that we know how painful anger is, how fiery… and as we hug her, we feel that anger unknot, unwind, settle. We don’t tell her to clamp her mouth shut, keep it in, bottle it up, be ashamed of her powerful feelings. We try to help her let go of the anger with nonviolence, with nurturing, with caring.

With warmth,
Matt