Benny,

To me it seems like you are in a loop. She has asked for space, and consider that you aren’t really giving it. In your head and heart, perhaps you are still pushing what you want, how you see it, who she is, and so forth. Said differently, your energy seems to be still trying to draw her toward you, toward the life you wish you have (and you tell yourself she wants it too). Stop it! She has told you she is confused, so stop defining her! Not just to her face, but try to shake free from your internal habit of defining who she is and where her path of joy will/should take her.

We can’t help others if we remain stuck in our own view. Said differently, our dreams, memories and desires can easily interfere with our ability to see from the other person’s side of thing, their point of view. Instead, we assume we know them, define their feelings for them, and we become mutually confused.

From a different angle, consider that your message reads like “I don’t want to give her space!” pretty much the whole way through. Benny, I know it hurts to see someone you’ve had great times with step away, and your desires are understandable, normal. Consider for a moment: “wrap her in my arms” on your side may feel warm, romantic. On hers, smothering, controlling. You even say you know what she really wants! This “I know her better than she knows herself” stuff is pretty manipulative (unintentionally, you clearly have a good heart).

If we were to approach this from a more clearly defined set of boundaries: If she said she didn’t want to have sex, but you said you knew her desires better than her and so attempted to have sex with her anyway… perhaps your heart in recoil can see more clearly what “giving space” means. Sure, perhaps you wouldn’t say “yes, you really do want sex with me, stop saying no”. But romantically, you are saying “deep down you really do want to be with me, how do I get you to stop saying no?” Its the same invasivness, just in a different aspect. Give her space, Benny, yes it will be painful. Stop being so afraid of the emotional pain, perhaps afraid enough that you are in denial, and walk through the heartbreak and grief. Otherwise, you won’t start letting her go. If you love her as much as you claim, then allowing your heartbreak honors what you two share. Right now, it sounds more like you love your relationship with her far more than her. Which again is normal, usual, but doesn’t help her find her wings, or you, yours.

With warmth,
Matt