jealous and insecure about ex

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 9 months ago by Kelly.

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February 21, 2014 at 9:53 am #51514

Kelly
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I find myself confronting unwelcome feelings of jealousy and fear regarding my ex-boyfriend. We were in a serious relationship for three + years, during which time he was in a period of transition: working through a tumultuous divorce, job loss (on multiple occasions), financial issues and chronic pain issues. Intellectually, I knew getting involved with this man was risky, but the heart wants what the heart wants and we made a go of it as best we could. I ultimately ended things because after about a two year “honeymoon period” and then a conflict filled third year, I recognized that we were not compatible in the ways I desire for a relationship and the resulting fighting was too much for me to bear. Since we last saw each other in December, we have been in fairly regular touch via email, text and Facebook. I spent three years supporting this man and encouraging him to follow his dreams. For example, his life dream and passion is to be an actor. He is in his mid-40s and has not done any acting since his school days. I have season tickets to the local community theater and over the years have encouraged him to try out. He and I attended all the performances together, but he never tried out. Yesterday, I found out that this week he has tried out for and landed a role in the theater’s next performance in April. My reaction is confusing and selfish – in my mind I am happy for him. I want him to succeed and follow his dreams. In my heart I am like a petulant child asking “Why?” Why now? Why not when I was there, rooting him on? I know it is self-centered to make this about me, because it’s not, but my heart hurts at the thought of attending the next performance and seeing him on stage, knowing he’s not my partner anymore and lamenting the fact that our dreams didn’t come true together. The idea of seeing him in the lobby after the show as theater-goers stop to congratulate the cast on a job well done breaks my heart. I want to be happy for him so why do I feel this way?

In a similar vein, I had been on top of him (perhaps too overbearing) to get some financial discipline and pay off some debts. Recently (post-breakup), he emailed me to let me know that he paid off one of his major debts.

I feel like now his life is all sparkly, new and exciting and I’m left lamenting lost love. I know I need to focus on me and what I need to do to be happy, but I have a difficult time stopping my thoughts of him. I also have insecurities about him bonding with fellow actors and developing a love interest in someone and moving on from me completely. I know that if that is his path to take, it’s what’s best for him, but acceptance is hard.

I also feel this resentment that I have “prepared” him for a good life with someone else. I’ve taken the fixer-upper house and made renovations and now the house is on the market and I don’t live there anymore. That is likely putting too much emphasis on the things I did, but I can’t help but feel like he wouldn’t be in the position he is in now if it weren’t for my support and guidance.

How do I stop feeding my ego? How can I let go?

February 21, 2014 at 10:49 am #51518

olivia
Participant

oh kelly i know exactly how you feel time and the universe make things better. I had an ex husband same story now he tours in a band his dream and there has been time that i really in my heart am happy for him . A recent ex boyfriend i cant even think of running into him and he lives in my neighborhood all i imagine is he is dating the most beautiful fun women in the world. i guess what i am saying is its perfectly natural to feel the way you do only in time and when you have no romantic love for him will it not pang you to hear how well he is doing do well for yourself perhaps he will feel the same pang

Best wishes to you
olivia

February 21, 2014 at 11:58 am #51519

totogal
Participant

Wow I feel like I just wrote this myself!! I am in the same situation a 4 year relationship with someone who would never change… Until we broke up and then he changed into everything that I always wanted. And of course we maintained contact and we’re both on Facebook and we were going to try again until I noticed on Facebook that it appears perhaps he has been seeing someone else.

So like you I spent 4 years helping him become the new and improved model for someone else. So I’m also curious to hear what advice anyone else has on this. Oh and as an extra special added bonus we both took new jobs in new cities – so I relocated and am pretty much completely alone in a new place. Oh well. Just tired, sad and lonely 🙁

February 21, 2014 at 10:37 pm #51531

sandy
Participant

I, too could have written your post. It’s comforting to read your words on your self-reflection of your actions and thoughts. I don’t have any answers as this same type of jealousy is and has been something that I’ve wanted to understand and change for years.

I know the answer is in letting go of the contact with the ex, building myself up and getting to the place where I can begin to practice sending him love and compassion and wish him the best. It seems like a constant practice as I’ve done that, only to find myself down and out again at another time after reading or hearing about his life. But yeah, for the jealousy thing, I would like to hear some suggestions to help me better cope with my feelings.

February 25, 2014 at 7:48 am #51718

Will
Participant

Dear Kelly,

You’ve already given yourself the advice you need. Stop feeding your ego. Let go. You know what you need to do.

All right, but how?

You’re clearly in conflict with yourself. You don’t want to feel like this, but you do. You call yourself a petulant child. You think you’re likely taking too much credit by thinking of him as a fixer upper you fixed, but …! As long as you’re going to keep fighting with yourself over this, you’re unlikely to make any progress.

So first, stop fighting. You want to be compassionate, but you’re resentful and jealous of a potential new love. You want to want what’s best for him, but you don’t. You don’t want him to be successful as an actor, you don’t want him to pay off his debts. Not without you. Because it hurts.

It’s not a pretty picture, but that’s where you are. That’s where you need to start.

Don’t start with an affirmation like this: “I hope you do really well in the theatre and everyone will love you and you’ll find someone new and never be in debt again,” because you don’t feel like that. Try maybe something like this: “I hope that on opening night you don’t spontaeously combust, setting the theatre of fire and killing everyone who came to the performance.” If you feel that, you can take another step. “In fact, I don’t actually hope you’ll spontaneously combust at all.” Maybe another. “In fact, I hope it goes well. You bastard.”

Don’t aim for universally loving and compassionate and equaniminous (is that even a word?), that’s too big a step. Try for slightly less bitter than you feel right now. Practice feeling just a little more forgiving and generous towards him, and guard your thoughts. If you find yourself resentmenting (yes, that’s a verb) about his success (or potential success), try to catch yourself. “Hey now, sweetheart, we don’t need to be upset over that. He’s a fellow human being. Let’s try and wish for something positive. Like, I hope he doesn’t catch syphilis.”

Journey a thousand miles; start where your feet are standing.

February 25, 2014 at 12:12 pm #51732

Kelly
Participant

Will,

Thanks for the laughs 🙂 You’re right, I need to be less hard on myself. I’m all torn up about not being compassionate toward my ex and in the process I am not being compassionate to myself. Baby steps will get me there.
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