I’ve been in college for 2 years now. Rather than being excited, I’ve over time grown apathetic and miserable at the thought of learning, of doing homework; when the economy is in the state it’s in and all I’m ‘supposed’ to do is pick a major, and get good grades – as if finding a job afterwards/serving the community/following dreams shouldn’t be a point!

I used to love to learn and read, and please my teachers and befriend them, even while I’ve been bullied for much of my life from Elementary up through Highschool, and suffered through a divorce+remarriage+move when I was 12. Through that entire time, I waited, striving to see the light at the end of the tunnel, hoping once the storm had passed I could be myself without worries and I could have the time to figure things out.

It turned out to be a grand delusion – after highschool, my dad thrust me into a university he applied me for, and I’ve since been left picking up the pieces of my childhood, sorting out my anxieties, and trying to overcome what social issues I have. Meanwhile I am heavily laden with work and rarely have any free time where I’m not anxious over my grades or work ethic, or social events, or my value or image as a person. I’m suddenly an adult making hundreds of minuscule but collectively-important decisions, weighing multiple pros and cons to every situation, and often result being boxed in by responsibilities toward my health and work – I’ve had chronic stomach pains and bowel movements every other day I’ve been stressed, and I’ve discovered I have a stomach infection and a possible ulcer to contend with as well.

Through all of these trials, I’ve since lost the point of why I’ve come here. No one, not even the trained counselors on campus, has been helpful. I’ve always done everything myself. I was very scared to realize that I must decide being a practical adult with my choice of major and career opportunities (things DO vary between majors in terms of knowledge and skill-sets, aside from the difference between normal majors and vocational ones)… And well, I was never able to explore any of that when I was a kid, although those childish dreams were what kept me pushing onwards when I was in school, and in a much darker place. Nowadays I am drawn to the arts, but I think that is more due writing and art being an escape for me. I entered college, wondering how I could be an entomologist or a paleontologist, before I learnt about the abysmal states of those careers, economy or not.

All in all, I’m just very, very scared right now, about messing myself up by making such a bad decision; and meanwhile I’m burning out.

I can’t take time off to discover myself, although I’m sure I ought to, it simply isn’t possible to the terms of my scholarship. Would there be any backup options?

If anyone has anything to say, please – I deeply welcome it and implore you to reply.