FionaLight,
I invite you to read what you posted. If your best friend wrote this, what would you say to her?

I do know for most of us, it is easier to be with our pain then to face our fear and leap into the unknown. It is easier to be with the familiar.

What does your true heart say to you? What would you do if you truly loved yourself?

Metta,
Mark

Fiona,

I got a sick feeling in my gut reading your story because it is hauntingly familiar. I am about three months out of my three year relationship. Take this with a grain of salt because I am still healing from my loss – your boyfriend sounds more like a child than a man. I too had the partner who charmed, cooked, pampered, provided endless affection and attention but he exhibited very similar passive-aggressive and selfish behaviors to what you’re describing. He had, at the very least, an emotional affair I discovered with a much younger woman. He has still not admitted to it, but instead tried various ways of invalidating my feelings: it’s due to my “trust issues”, he can’t believe I don’t know who he really is after everything we’ve been through together, he didn’t have the motivations I assume he had (similar to the “I was never unfaithful in my heart”). I don’t know if your story would play out the same, but for me I spent a full year or more trying to work with him and resolve our communication issues and disparity between our levels of responsibility within the relationship. (I saw him go through three jobs in this time period as I, like you, footed the bulk of our expenses). My frustrations were exacerbated with every new “incident” we had, and pretty soon the “incidents” (similar to your two examples) were coming one after the other without much of the sweet, charming, fun, everyday life stuff in between.

I, too, looked at the great investment I had made in this relationship. Someone asked me a pretty simple question: what kind of return was I getting on my investment? You work in the financial sector – is this an investment worthy of you? There are sunk costs – would you just be throwing good money after bad to reap anything out of this? I’m sorry to make an emotional decision so black and white because I know it’s a lot more complicated when it comes to matters of the heart. Something to consider.

I agree wholeheartedly with Mark’s comment that it’s easier to be with our pain than to leap into the unknown. But what if by holding off from making that leap, you’re missing out on someone who could compliment you in all the ways you want and deserve? Maybe that “someone” is you, loving and cherishing yourself and not settling for less than you deserve. I know starting over is not easy – I keep myself inspired by reading love stories of others who meet later in life (and, please, at 45 you have half your life ahead of you!). Maybe it’s time to fall in love with you again. That might sound like hippy dippy stuff, but it’s the realization I’ve come to for myself. I believe that my ex-boyfriend loved me with all he had, but that love just wasn’t right for me. Wouldn’t you like to be able to confront your partner and have your feelings heard? I long for that and I just got fed up feeling like I had no voice in the relationship. My boyfriend was the classic deflector as well.

Anyway, I’m rambling. You have to find your own truth – my comments are based on my own experience. It just seemed on the surface, at least, to mirror your own. I wish you the best in whatever you do regarding this relationship.