Alice,
I don’t know what kind of feedback that would be useful for you.

I do know the adage, “What resists, persists” meaning anything we try to deny, push down or ignore will pop back up again unless we address it head on.

Your low self esteem and lack of confidence seems to be the source that would affect your behavior. How are you addressing loving yourself enough so that you can get to the core of your behavior?

Plus you said you have been in a LDR (long distance relationship) with Jack. Does that mean you don’t see him much? I wonder how many in person, face-to-face times you two actually have been together? I believe that with any LDR, it is a challenge to get to know each other and trust one another.

So in my view is that if you need to keep being reassured and keep comparing yourself with Jill then you need to address the source of that which is your own love of self. I believe if I truly love myself then I will have the confidence to be OK in any situation and relationship.

So you say you have tried the resist your urges, tried therapy, tried keeping busy, tried being mindful. I applaud you for all those conscientious efforts. I encourage you to continue your mindfulness, continue to look for a good therapist, continue to be with your urges but not act on them day-by-day.

Our mindful living is a practice. Practice means it’s a day-to-day, conscious effort. When you meditate, sit with your insecurities and practice the Loving Kindness Meditation. Loving yourself and others.

Metta,

Mark

Alison,

Has it occurred to you that he has picked you? It seems you are habitually pushing him (in your head) into her arms. You even named them Jack and Jill! Bumps like your jealousy don’t inherently hurt an intimacy, but the pulling back, the hiding and so forth can. Were I in your shoes, I would definitely have a conversation about it with him.

Consider that males often have a “forging ahead” mentality, where they look at and interpret their environment analytically rather than emotionally. So when he says “wow, you do such and such much differently than Jill” it may have nothing to do with his desire, his emotion. Just noticing differences and sharing with you. “Wow, you tilt your head to the left when you kiss me, and Jill tilts her head to the right. How interesting.” When this brushed across you, it perhaps became painful because he seemed to be comparing, judging. He might have been, but most likely not. That would have been a good time to ask “and do you like my left tilting kisses?” Rather than assuming he means “I wish you were more like her”. They did break up after all, so even if you think she’s such and such and so and so better than you, that’s in your mind, not his. What does he see?

Being in a relationship is usually scary, because we become naked and vulnerable with one another. So, your feeling of fear is normal, usual, and expected. It seems to me the mistake you’re making is letting the fears fester, painting tons of fantasy, then deciding Jack and Jill are a better match than Jack and Alison. Where’s Jack’s opinion on the matter? Are you deciding that for him? Too scared to ask? Too scared to trust?

Finally, consider the kindly advice Mark gave in starting a metta practice (loving kindness meditation). As he noted, the core of icky feelings inside perhaps keeps the obsessive actions and thoughts pushing forward. Much like a horse with a burr under its saddle might run and kick. As you sit and learn to settle, open, rekindle your lightness, those obsessive actions and thoughts will perhaps simply go away. Said differently, if the light inside you is bright, Jill and her curves and smiles and such will get boring pretty fast, and you’ll find something more interesting to do with your time. Maybe smell some flowers, tell some jokes, or whatever. This is a pretty big planet full of wonder, and investing so much time into obsessing over Jill is pretty wasteful. 🙂

Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. Even once a day for a week may provide a significant amount of relief.

With warmth,
Matt