HomeโForumsโRelationshipsโAfter 6 months no contact received an apology
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February 16, 2014 at 11:06 am #51102CatherineParticipant
Hi everyone,
I sent a message to this forum in the fall about my ex-boyfriend and how I was having difficulty moving on and thinking about contacting him. I got such good advice so I thought maybe you guys could help me with this follow up story ๐
So it’s been six months since I took the conscious decision to cut this person from my life, because he just wasn’t true to his word, was evasive and had a history of treating me really badly, cheating on me, lying etc. It was a bit rocky at first, cutting him completely out because we used to be the best of friends even before getting together. But I was really proud of myself for finally doing it and I knew it was the right choice.
Little by little I felt I got my life back. I was making new friends, I was going out, having fun and overall enjoying my life. I even realized that the feelings I had for this man had gone, and I just felt a bit disgusted by his actions, no longer nostalgic or anything like before (I’d had mixed feelings before about all the good memories we had shared together etc). So everything was great, I was feeling ready to move on to other guys, I was perfect, finally the closure I had needed. And then BUMM : last week he sends me a loong message saying how sorry he is !!! after six months! It’s so funny because just 2 months ago I would’ve been overjoyed by a message from him, because I felt a bit disappointed he hadn’t acknowledged my no contact in any way, but now I’m just feeling so confused!
So here’s my problem: In my head this person has always held two very different images, 1) the sweet compassionate guy I fell in love with, who was my best friend and always did everything for me (though mostly based on his word) and then 2) this awful guy who cheated, lied, made grand promises and never fulfilled them, a cheater and a psychotic con artist who never loved me (based very much on his actions). And so through this process of grieving and moving on that I finally felt I had achieved, I realized that the latter was the true him, I had come to terms that I deserved someone much better. And now the message he sent me made the first characterization of him come alive in my mind again. Cognitive dissonance much?
So now I’m torn and disappointed by myself because I feel like I’m back to square one. I feel so sad because just last week I was so happy to be moving on and now it seems that I want him back into my life. Yet I don’t, I don’t really know what I want at the moment… I think a part of me wants to hold on to him, even as friends as we used to be, because I miss him, I miss that period in my life. So I’m kind of wanting to answer his message and say that maybe someday we could still be friends. And yet I know very well that the logical thing would be to not answer, and pick up from where I was last week and continue with my new-found life. But I feel guilty, mean and rude for not answering him… Yet it could well be just another game of manipulation, to try to take advantage of me once again and lure me back after I’ve been doing so well. I am so torn between taking his apology as something sincere and responding, or taking it for what it is and moving on.
Help please? :/ thank you in advance you guys ๐
February 16, 2014 at 1:02 pm #51107AliceParticipantHi Catherine,
First off, well done for moving on from your ex and giving yourself the time to gain some objectivity and perspective ๐ That’s very hard to do!
I’ve been in a comparable situation and also found that having no contact was the best way to detach. I too hope for friendship with my ex-partner in future, but realise that I’m not ready and can’t rush it. In my case, I still go back and forth about wishing we could get back together and remembering that despite the love, it didn’t work and we didn’t meet each other’s needs as a romantic couple (and that that’s OK).It’s probably been a shock to hear from your ex, and of course that churns up all kinds of feelings and memories. You’re not back to square one though – it sounds like you’ve done a lot of work and come a long way in the past 6 months. You’ve gained fundamental strength and that hasn’t been undone.
Remeber you don’t owe him anything – he’s a grown man and he’ll be fine. Your priority needs to remain you! The fact that his message is causing such a strong reaction in you may suggest that you’re still quite vulnerable where he is concerned and are still grieving – I can understand that! From my own experience, when I spoke to my ex during the first 6 months after we broke up, I would be heartbroken all over again, start to feel better, speak to him again, feel heartbroken – etc etc. I finally realised that the only way to go was to have no contact. We have spoken a couple of times since for various reasons, and I find I still become very emotional afterwards. However, after a few days it fades as I re-engage with my current life in which I am my priority. I know that I’m not over him, but I can see a life now which doesn’t include him and me as a couple.
I would advise trying not to think too much about your ex and his message just now. See how you feel in week or two – you may find that the intesity of your emotional reaction lessens and you find it easier to get back into your new life. You may realise that you have, in fact, outgrown the relationship and that rekindling it would be a step backwards in terms of your life story / personal development. There are no rules, or ‘shoulds’, of course! You may in a week or so decide that you do want to reply to him and let him know that you want to be friends. The important thing there is not to try to have a friendship before you’re ready because it may cause you more pain (at least, that’s what I’ve found with my ex!). If he understands this, that’s great – if not, that’s fine too: he can look after his own feelings, like you are yours ๐
It’s a confusing situation to be in. Giving yourself time will allow you to come to a more level-headed decision about what to do – one based on what YOU want rather than on extreme emotions or believing you ‘should’ do something. Don’t judge yourself harshly for whatever decision you make. And remember there’s no shame in not being completely over your ex or having mixed feelings about him after 6 months of not speaking.
Have a bath, do something you enjoy, see one of your friends – you are the most important person to you at this time!!
I hope this may help. Good luck! ๐
February 16, 2014 at 6:19 pm #51116NickiParticipantNever give a cheater or a liar a second chance. He will do it again. Cheaters and liars do not change. This is a massive red flag that you must not ignore. You will find someone who will not cheat or lie to you and that you will be close with again. You miss the good times of course, but don’t forget that he’s not really good relationship material he’s already proved that. You will have good times with someone else, just don’t go back to him. He will only hurt you again, I don’t care how sorry he says he is. They all say they’re sorry, it equal that they’ve changed. You must accept that reality and don’t make the mistake in thinking that cheaters and liars change. I know you want validation from him that he still wants you, cause you did like somethings about him. It’s not your fault he cheated, it has nothing to do with you, cheaters cheat because of their own issues. If he’s really sorry for what he did, that’s great, but here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter if he’s sorry or not, it doesn’t change or erase what he did or is capable of doing again. All it means it that they are testing the waters, putting some bait on the hook, to see if you’ll bite and they can pull you back in. Anyone that goes back to a cheater is going to get hurt again. You will not be an exception to that rule. They do not change. Don’t do it. Don’t fall for it cause you are going to get hurt again. You can and will find someone who will treat you way better. He’s in your past for a reason, do not forget those reasons. Keep moving forward. Keep doing what is best for you.
February 16, 2014 at 6:28 pm #51117NickiParticipantI meant to say ” they all say they’re sorry, it DOESN’T equal that they have changed.” Women often think that when men say they’re sorry that that statement equals the men have changed and won’t ever do it again-but that’s is incorrect. Please don’t ever forget cheaters don’t make good relationship material, cheaters cheat cause they’re overly self centered people who use others for what they can get from them. And please don’t think for second that if you forgive him and go back to him that he won’t do it again. This is real life-not a fairy tale or a movie.
February 16, 2014 at 6:37 pm #51120NickiParticipantSorry, one more thing, don’t feel that your being rude or guilty for not answering him, your not. Stop being concerned about his feelings. He wasn’t concerned about yours when he cheated on you. I would recommend a website called baggage reclaim. That is where I gained a lot of knowledge about relationships. And realized learned so much about what’s healthy and not healthy in relationships. Please educate yourself so you can learn, so you won’t have to learn from making mistakes but can learn from the mistakes that others have made.
February 17, 2014 at 11:27 am #51180RebeccaParticipantHi, I have never posted on anything like this….But, I agree after having been through this for six years of the disappearing and apologizing. Sometimes not even bothering to apologize. That the pattern will not change. I never knew if my ex would disappear to cheat; however, I have never received a truthful explanation. Don’t return the message. I am just starting today with no contact. And hope that I will not be weak.
February 17, 2014 at 3:24 pm #51192MadonnikaParticipantCut him lose and all youโll lose is an illusion. That man has never been, is nor is he or WILL HE EVER BE ABLE to understand your worth or beauty as a human being or your needs. Be aware of your worth! That man is just a projection surface. He is not what he seems to be. Heโs not even real. BY his very nature, he holds nothing that you want or need. You may be needy, but do not look at him for fulfillment of these needs. You will get hurt. There are great and wonderful sources of happiness and fulfillment in the world that you will miss if you focus on this moron. YOU CANNOT, CANNOT, CANNOT change this man. You cannot make a fox into a bird. Develop awareness that your lifetime on this planet is limited and that you want to spend this time for productive and good things, and not waste it on people who hold nothing you deserve, want or need! It will take more time to heal.. But you’re already on your way to healing. DON’T TURN BACK. Some things we can control and some we canโt. Everything that happens to us has a purpose. It is sometimes a good idea to just trust the flow of life and when you let that man go, trust in God. Learn to despite all odds, that good things are being worked out for you. That if God takes something away, he has something better in store. This will pass and better days will come. Continue being strong as you are. Good luck!
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