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Acceptance of break up

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  • February 10, 2014 at 3:51 am #50645
    Valleyrose
    Participant

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend – we have been together 6 months and during that time I didnt feel that I was getting my needs met – it is not surprising – we are two such very different people – but, I feel reasonable and compassionate human beings.

    Because I wasnt getting my needs met I felt terribly insecure (I recognise that I had self esteem issues and am now working on this) and I would constantly try to talk about it with him. He just didnt want to be challenged and thus the issues never got resolved – until it got to the point that I just couldnt leave it alone and would try to talk about it every time we saw each other. I would always raise it quietly and politely but ended backing down each time. However in the end we both got tired of the conflict and he ended the relationship.

    I recognise the mistakes I made, I was a doormat. I should have ended it months ago when it was clear we just weren’t compatible. However he is now acting the victim and telling everyone that I hurt him terribly, that I exploded when I didnt get my own way (not true – I didn’t once). He would like me to accept the responsibility in its entirety, which I feel is just not fair.

    I have never had a relationship end so badly before with so much blame heaped on my shoulders. I have shaken it off, I will not accept it. I just wish he would say – hey it didnt work out, we were not compatible – instead of acting like I have injured him terribly, when he made no effort to make sure I was happy.

    I know sometimes we just need to accept that people see things as facts rather than just their opinion, that they cannot agree to disagree and cannot take any responsibility whatsoever. I also dont want him to hurt. I am a mixed up mess of guilt, hurt, love and frustration.

    February 10, 2014 at 8:51 am #50653
    gams
    Participant

    Dear ValleyRose,

    As I see it, there are two different situations that are making you feel distressed:

    1. The break up itself, that is normally very painful until that glorious moment in which it isn’t painful anymore arrives
    2. The information that goes around the subject among the people you both know

    As for the first thing, the break up mourning, I think that it’s a journey you cannot really skip. I particularly wouldn’t wish such a journey to my worst enemy, but saying that, I can assure you those feeling will pass. What made me feel better, after my break up, was the following:

    • Realizing that what hurt me were my thoughts regarding what happened and not what happened in itself. Therefore, I tried to figure out what was hurting me so badly, and I realized it was that I had idealized him. Even if I thought I could see him clearly, what I was looking at was what I wanted to see and I was expecting something from that idealization, not from reality, so eventually reality hit me.

    • Trying not to hope for a different past but accepting what happened and understanding that if something is for you, it will find a way to get to you; and if something is not for you, no matter what you do, it’s simply not going to work. Thinking this took a lot of responsibility off my shoulders, because it meant that regardless what I did, we were not compatible anyway, so we would have fallen apart anyway. To reach this point of comprehension was, for me, truly liberating.

    As for the second thing, I would repeat something I’ve read a lot lately: what others think of you is none of your business. I wouldn’t waste time or energy talking to people about a subject that only concerns you and your ex-boyfriend. And about him, remember that we always do the best we can based on the experience we have up to this moment. If this is his way of dealing with mourning, well, so be it.

    Hugs.

    February 11, 2014 at 8:44 am #50772
    sojourner
    Participant

    Dear Valley Rose, Take a deep breath and give yourself a hug. I would echo Gams in saying that if this is his way of dealing with the relationship break up, well, so be it. It’s possible he just plain doesn’t want to accept his part in the failure of your long term relationship; it’s much easier to shift that blame to someone else than own it or any part of it. Sounds like he’s lost a good woman, which is a blow to any man’s ego so he’s putting on a stiff upper lip. He’s probably wounded/grieving inside too, and this is his defense mechanism. Or maybe he’s just a scumbag (but I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt). In either case, time to do better for yourself.

    Keep the good memories, accept him and yourself for what you had and move on in peace. Nothing you can say or do at this point is going to undo the damage. Hold your head high and move on.

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