I’m sorry if this seems long, but I feel like it might be easier to ask if I go through the entire story. Since this is my first post I don’t really know what to say. So my ex broke up with me about almost a year ago. It was probably the worst and best thing that happened to me. I had just graduated college and was only working part time jobs. My ex had dropped out one of the best colleges in the US with a scholarship because she felt that working at her local market was more fulfilling . I supported her but I guess she suffered from slight self esteem issues.

Then one day out of the blue, my ex tells me she wants to break up. And at first I didn’t know why. It was heart breaking. I tried everything but eventually she left. The worry and anxiety broke from that time destroyed me. I lost almost 20 pounds, drank heavily and I found out from a mutual friend the reason she broke up with me was because she wanted to date her coworker. I wasn’t a possessive boyfriend but the guy she broke up with me for was her friend she told me about. And that was probably what hurt me the most. I can say I was depressed, miserable, and it didn’t help I had no full-time job. I ended up injuring my left leg so badly I still have a giant scar. It also did not help in the following months my aunt died, my parents lost their job, and I was the sole person that needed to find something to keep my family afloat while we paid the house off.

To say the least I was angry, I blamed everything on her. I had such strong hatred for everything. I hated her with everything I had. The only redeeming part of the entire ordeal was I had a strong support system. I complained endlessly to my friends and family, and I feel like I definitely pushed them away. 5 months after, I had picked up all the hobbies I gave up while I was with her.

Then the only thing on my mind was, I will make myself better. I used all the hatred to push myself along. My leg scars healed, I was working full-time at a well paying job and supporting my family. And then I met a very interesting girl. She made me happy, she was kinda clingy, but I liked it. I liked that she made me feel loved. However, while we dated she realized she loved her ex boyfriend. And I was happy to have dated her. However she left and is now happily dating her ex-current boyfriend.

Then another 4 months passed by and I ended up dating a friend. We clicked well and we got along super well, shared many intimate moments. However she was from a different country. So much miscommunication happened and everything broke to pieces. I thought I was doing fine but somewhere along the way she just wanted to go back to being just friends. Which I found impossible. So I told her I just need to not see her or talk to her for awhile. Which she did not take well and told me she didn’t understand why we couldn’t just be best friends again. And now every time we talk I feel like she wants to argue with me. I don’t blame her for breaking up with me. You shouldn’t want to date someone you don’t have feelings for, she just didn’t see me as boyfriend material. Which hurt my pride a lot. I treated her well, I took her to dinner, I made dinner for her, I’d take her out every week while we dated and I thought I was a good boyfriend but I guess not.

Anyway to the point of this entire long post. I realized that somewhere along the way I lost that hatred from my first relationship. The one that motivated me to push through all the hardships. I mean I’ve gained all the weight I lost. I’m much more fit then I used to be, and I’ll be going to another country with a good job. However, Valentines day is coming by. My friends and their significant others are planning for it. A lot of my other friends from high school are getting married. I feel like something is wrong with me. I’m not sad. I’m happy with who I am. I’m proud of what I’ve done. Yet.. I do my hobbies, I hang with my friends, I work, and yet for some reason I just feel empty. Is it that I want a relationship that badly? I really don’t feel satisfied. I’m hoping that maybe a change of job will be enough but right now. I just want to know why I feel so empty.